This material in this piece is not original. In fact, I don't know where it originated. But it has been making the corporate rounds for a while and frankly, it's just too delicious to let slip into cubicle oblivion.

     The following are comments, reportedly submitted to the U.S. Forest Service by vacationers as ways of "improving" the outdoor experience when visiting wilderness areas:

• A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.
• Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
• Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
• Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
• Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
• All the mile markers are missing this year.
• Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
• Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
• Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
• Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.
• Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
• The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
• Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
• Need more signs to keep area pristine.
• A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead.
• The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
• Too many rocks in the mountains.

Acknowledgments: Anonymous

© Russ Brown, 1998