What's in a Name?

"In the beginning was the Word..." (John 1:1a KJV). Since that Scripture was written, history has been replete with theologians attempting to bring God's Word to the people in language they could understand. The New Testament was written in common Greek, instead of the more learned Hebrew. St. John used very elementary Greek language to pen his gospel. Even the venerated Latin Vulgate was the vernacular of the Roman Empire.

The Bible is, without a doubt, the most translated book in history. Exactly how many languages and dialects it has been translated into is anyone's guess. In English alone, any number of versions have made their way to print...Tyndale, Authorized (King James), Revised Standard, American Standard, New Revised Standard, New American Standard, New King James, New International Version, Children's New International Version, New American Bible, New Jerusalem, Good News for Modern Man, The Living Bible, The Book, etc... These are just a few of the better known. There is a comic book version, much in the vein of Classics Illustrated. There is even an Aussie slang version of Scripture, where “In the beginning” is replaced by “G’day”, the Virgin Mary is “a pretty little sheila,” and Herod is “jumpy as a wallaby on hot rocks.” Although I have not heard of an Ebonics translation, one wouldn't surprise me. Admittedly, some have met with more success than others. Tyndale was martyred and his translation suppressed. Books of the Apocrypha are revered/rejected Catholics and Protestants, respectively. Some of today’s newer "inclusive" (read, politically correct) versions come to mind as not being wholly welcome by the faithful.

Unfortunately, as time has passed, so has our attention span. White sugar, electronic media, ADHD and MTV are the popular scapegoats these days. A generation ago, TV was the culprit...and before that, radio...prior to that, talkies. In any case, today we seem to like being fed information in sound bites. Fewer of us, it seems, are willing (or able) to delve into the pages of dusty print. It's so much easier to wait for the mini-series.

Now I would never presume to "improve" or change Holy Writ, but I wonder how a savvy modern editor might re-titles of the books of the Bible to better appeal to the masses (no pun intended). A quality sound bite, after all, should convey the gist of the story as quickly as possible. So in light of our attention deficient pop culture, and with all due respect, may I suggest the following?

Genesis	All My Children (Gen. 13:14-17, 16:11-12, 17:15-22)	Matthew	A Star is Born! (Matt. 2:1-2)
Exodus	The Ten Commandments (O.K.--DeMille beat me to that one) (Exod. 20:1-20)	Mark	Just Do It! (Mark 1:10, 18, 28, 42)
Leviticus	Crime and Punishment (Lev. 4:13-14, 18:1-20:27)	Luke	The Miracle Worker (Luke 6:6-11)
Numbers	I Fought the Law (and the Law Won) (Num. 14:1-45)	John	The Greatest Story Ever Told (also done) (John 1:1-18)
Deuteronomy	Birth of a Nation (Deut. 33:10-29)	Acts	Peter and Paul (et tu...) (Acts 9: 1-30, 11:1-30, 28:24-31)
Joshua	The Longest Day (Josh. 10:12-14)	Romans	The Sign of the Cross (Rom. 5:6-10, 6:3-11, 8:1-2, 35-37)
Judges	The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (Jud. 21:25)	1 Corinthians	The Great Race (1 Cor. 9:24-27)
Ruth	Love Story (Ruth 1:16-17)	2 Corinthians	Trip to Bountiful (2 Cor. 9: 6-11)
1 Samuel	The Man Who Would be King (1 Sam. 16:1-13)	Galatians	Don't Turn Back (Gal. 3:10-11)
2 Samuel	The King and I (2 Sam. 7:8-16)	Ephesians	Standing Tall (Eph. 6:10-18)
1 Kings	The Wise Guy (1 Kin. 3:7-14)	Philippians	Don't Worry, Be Happy! (Phil. 4:6-7)
2 Kings	Chariots of Fire (2 Kin. 2:11-12)	Colossians	The Equalizer (1 Col. 3:11)
1 Chronicles	All in the Family (1 Chr. 1:1-9:44)	1 Thessalonians	Come Fly with Me (1 Thes. 4:13-5:11)
2 Chronicles	The Rise and Fall... (2 Chr. 8:12-22, 10:22, 36:14-21)	2 Thessalonians	Get a Job (2 Thes.3:6-10)
Ezra	This Old House (Ezra 3:10-13)	1 Timothy	You Can't Take It With You (1 Tim. 6:7-12)
Nehemiah	Against All Flags (Neh. 4:15-23)	2 Timothy	Be Prepared (2 Tim. 4:2-5)
Esther	The Spy Who Loved Me (Est. 5:13-16)	Titus	Stand and Deliver (Titus 1:5-16)
Job	I Want to Register a Complaint! (Job 10:1-2)	Philemon	The Runaway (Philemon 10-21)
Psalm	Say Amen, Somebody! (Ps. 148)	Hebrews	Faith of Our Fathers (Heb. 11:1-39)
Proverbs	The Word for Today (Prov. 1:7)	James	Christianity 1.0 for Dummies (James 1:19-27, 4:6-8)
Ecclesiastes	"Turn, Turn, Turn" (The Byrds, 1965) (Ecc. 3:1-8)	1 Peter	The Shoes of the Fisherman (1 Pet. 5:1-10)
Song of Solomon	Sweeter Than Wine (Song 1:2)	2 Peter	The Promise (2 Pet. 3:1-14)
Isaiah	Time Tunnel (Is. 9:6-7, 48:4-5, 52:13-53:12, 65:17-66;24)	1 John	All You Need is Love (1 John 3:10-24, 4:16)
Jeremiah	The Unforgiven (Jer. 15:4, 18:15-17)	2 John	The Omen (2 John 7)
Lamentations	The Morning After (Lam. 1:1, 8, 3:19-33)	3 John	Do the Right Thing (3 John 11)
Ezekiel	Close Encounters... (or The X-Files) (Ez. 1:4-28)	Jude	Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear to Tread (Jude 5-11)
Daniel	Born Free (Dan. 1:1-21)	Revelation	Apocalypse Now! (Rev. 14:1-20, 19:11-21 22:12-20)
Hosea	Reap the Wild Wind (Hos. 8:7)
Joel	Come Blow Your Horn (Joel 2:1)
Amos	Nowhere to Hide (Amos 9:1-4)
Obadiah	The Last Laugh (Obed. 10-18)
Jonah	Jaws (Jonah 1:17-2:10)
Micah	O Little Town of Bethlehem (Mic. 5:2)
Nahum	Panic in the Streets (Nah. 2:1-10)
Habakkuk	Believe It…or Not! (Hab. 1:5)
Zephaniah	Dark Shadows (Zeph. 1:15-17)
Haggai	Out of the Ruins (Hag. 1:5-9, 14)
Zechariah	Revelation (Sneak Preview) (Zec. 1:8, 2:1-2, 6:1-8, 12:10, 14:1-21)
Malachi	Return to Me (Mal. 3:7)

Acknowledgments: 16, 17, 65