CorporateSpeak

The business world is a secretive place. Not only are company secrets fiercely protected, but there is also a sort of fraternal order, that assures only those who "belong" will ever fit in. For years, women tagged this "the glass ceiling," an invisible, unwritten, unspoken barrier that divides the "haves" from the "admins." A point well made, but it goes far beyond mere gender dividers. Whether based on sexual, ethnic, racial or regional distinctions, an "us" versus "them" mentality has divided American business since the dawn of the industrial revolution.

Over the years, government intervened and enacted laws prohibiting many discriminatory practices. For instance, in 1863, President Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation, prohibiting slavery, as it was then practiced. Of course, slavery did not die, it merely incorporated. More recently, the women's movement changed a few faces and added a few more restrooms. Suddenly it was no longer permissible to deny employment based on racial or sexual distinctions. The problem was that such radical notions threatened the very fabric of American enterprise and the balance of economic power. What good was it to belong to the most exclusive club around, if just anyone could waltz in?

Taking a cue from George Orwell, there evolved, "CorporateSpeak"--a sort of industrial pig-latin. Full of cryptic jargon and acronyms, it has become the means of choice to guarantee that those in the know will ever be. Implemented by personnel departments and hiring managers throughout the nation, this linguistic code is more thorough than any used to ferret out wartime spies. Misuse of a "common industry term" is professional suicide. Presuming to violate the most sacred of protocols and daring to ask for clarification is similarly fatal. Once spoken, the genie is free and you are forever branded, "unpromotable" or "not suited for this position."

You need go no further than your nearest employment classifieds to sample these murky waters. Corporate America is an elite club and admission doesn't come cheaply. However, for those who haven't four to six years and a hundred thousand dollars or so to blow on a Harvard "M.B.A." (see below), follows a glossary of favored business terms as found in boardrooms and want ads everywhere. Business is a rich man's game, and this is how it is played:

When employer says:	What he/she/they mean is:
Account executive	Commissioned salesman.
Acquisition	Demonstration of corporate food chain, whereby larger eats smaller, then excretes all but essential nutrients. (See Merger).
Apply in person	If you're too old or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.
Associates	Mid- to senior-level management. (See Comp. Level).
Assumption	A guess. Also known as a statistical model.
Big 10 accounting firm	Only hires from the Ivy League.
Business partners	Stockholders.
Career-minded (applicant must be)	People with a life need not apply. Female applicants must be and ever remain childless. We own you.
Casual work atmosphere	We don't pay enough to expect our employees to dress decently.
C.E.O. (Chief Executive Officer) C.F.O. (Chief Financial Officer) C.O.O. (Chief Operating Officer) Chairman of the Board	All make ungodly salaries and are frequently seen at celebrity pro/am golf functions. Occasionally appear at fund-raising banquets to accept nebulous awards. Receive private secretaries, nice offices and stock options.
Comp. Level	Mid- to senior-level management. (See Profit Sharing).
Company spokesman	Fades heat from media whenever scandal arises. Must remain cool in face of fire(ing squad). Former presidential press secretaries preferred for this position.
Competitive salary	We will never pay you one dime more than our competition.
Conservative company	Only military veterans need apply. Wearing of company tie required.
Controller	Accountant with the company checkbook.
Core customers	Demographic group perceived as having the most discretionary income. (See Discretionary income).
Core values	Money and power.
Cost accountant	Reconciles executive bonuses with employee cutbacks.
Cost containment	Similar to "Overhead reduction" (see below), except employees must now furnish their own office supplies.
C.P.A. (Certified Public Accountant)	(or Certified Public Axe-man). Scapegoat for all negative personnel decisions.
D.C.P. (Direct Controllable Profit)	Maximum amount of markup allowable before charges of price gouging are leveled.
Deadline-oriented (applicant must be)	Miracle-worker needed. Project is already overdue and over budget.
Detail-oriented (applicant must be)	We have no quality control. You are expected to catch all mistakes.
Discretionary income	Money to burn. Must be spent at full retail price.
Diverse workforce (committed to)	Politically correct definition of glass ceiling by exclusion. Also known as "Affirmative Action" by legal definition. Formerly called reverse discrimination.
Diversity awareness/training (committed to)	Racial discrimination or sexual harassment complaint has been filed against us. All employees must now attend workshop on political correctness to limit our legal liability.
Duties will vary	Low man on totem pole. Takes orders from everyone...including the stock boy.
Early retirement	Layoff with benefits.
Educate the consumer	In support of our newly raised prices.
E.V.A. (Economic Value Added)	(Or Every Vulture's an Accountant). Pay toilets will be installed next week.
Family-friendly work environment	Employees receive a one-time, 10% discount at a local daycare.
Fastest-growing segment	Latest trend. (See "Growth industry").
Fast-paced company	Sink or swim. We don't have time to train you.
Fast-track	A political appointment. Recipients often observed bounding up corporate ladder two or three rungs at a time. (See Golden child).
Flexible hours	You'll be on-call 24/7.
Fortune 500 company	We're really big.
Fortune 1000 company	We want to sound really big.
Full-service	Full price.
Global leader	Foreign ownership.
Golden child	Can do no wrong--in fact, rarely does much of anything. Has no discernible talent, except in rising through corporate structure. Changes titles more often than most people change underwear. Formerly called, "brown-noser." (See Fast-track).
Golden parachute	Applies to top-level management only. (See "Restructuring.")
Good communications skills needed	Management "communicates." then you try to figure out what they really want.
Growth industry	We jumped on the bandwagon with everyone else, and will abandon it just as quickly.
Hardworking and dependable (applicant must be)	"Tote that barge! Lift that bale..."
Highly competitive business environment	Business sucks.
Highly motivated to succeed (applicant must be)	Must be willing to suck up to management.
Human resources	Have been automated. Please "Press 1" to speak with our computer...
Innovative leadership (we have)	Our founder is a geek.
Innovative leadership (we need)	We don't have a clue.
Insider trading	1. The highly illegal practice of buying or selling stock based on company news, not yet available to the public; unfair advantage--according to the U.S. Security and Exchange Commission. A federal offense punishable by fines and imprisonment. 2. The highly practiced art of buying or selling stock based on company information, not yet available to the public; good business sense--according to corporate executives and directors with stock options. Failure to so act is often punishable by bankruptcy proceedings. 3. Horse tradin'. (Texas colloq.).
Job titles (management)	The longer and more obscure the title, the higher the pay and perks, and the lower any real responsibilities. CAVEAT: Executives with lengthy job titles, often suffer from lightheadedness and obfuscated judgment. This is due to lack of oxygen at higher elevations of corporate structure.
Job titles (non-management)	The longer and more impressive sounding the title, the higher the responsibilities, and the lower the pay. JOB HAZARD WARNING: Cramps are common, especially after executive bonuses are announced.
Labor relations	We speak to each other through bullhorns.
Leads provided	Phone book.
Living wage	The theoretical ability to support an entire family on one paycheck, including home/auto ownership, full life insurance coverage, college for offspring, retirement planning and yearly vacations. Largely ascribed to "urban legend" by most workers today, along with such antiquated terminology as, "9-to-5", "40-hour work week", "company loyalty", and "the American Dream."
M.B.A. (Master of Business Administration)	(Or Mangler of Business Attrition). Degree holder must be able to effectively dismantle a major corporation by use of obscure economic theories, without regard to long-term benefit or practical application.
Management trainee	Sales clerk.
No experience needed	Minimum wage or retail sales.
No phone calls, please	The position has been filled. This ad is a legal formality.
No cold calls	This is a lie.
No layoffs	We'll just fire you if you don't meet quota.
No overtime	Paid for or allowed to be reported.
Non-resale purchasing	Buys office supplies and fixtures.
Office administrator (or Office manager)	Secretary.
Old-line firm	Corporate dinosaur.
Out-of-the-box thinking	Is strictly prohibited.
Outside sales	Door-to-door salesman.
Outsourced (jobs)	Layoffs. Found source of cheap labor. (See "Relocating (manufacturing operations)" and "R.O.E.")
Overhead	Cost of keeping the lights on and the doors open
Overhead reduction	Cleaning staff laid off. Company cafeteria hours reduced; prices increased. (See Cost containment.)
P & L statements (applicant must know)	Must be able to keep two sets of books.
PAC (Political Action Committee)	Company-paid congressional lobbyists.
Pie-in-the-sky	Any unwritten promise or guarantee made prior to employment or contract signing.
Paradigm	The way we do things. A universal constant (i.e.--new paradigm will always equal old paradigm with new terminology).
Power breakfast/lunch/dinner	Executive meals at overpriced restaurants and/or clubs, written-off expense reports and company taxes as a business expense.
Price fixing	Collusion. The illegal practice of pre-determining prices between supplier and retailer or group of retailers. Never to be admitted. Referred to in other terms. (See "Nationally advertised price", "Retail agreement", and "Suggested retail price.")
Problem-solving skills a must	We're in perpetual chaos.
Profit-sharing	Applies to mid- to senior-level management only. All others S-O-L.
Ranked in the top 100 "Best Places to Work"...	...by Attila the Hun.
Recession-proof industry	We sell cemetery plots.
Relocating (company headquarters)	To save on taxes and/or labor
Relocating (manufacturing operations)	To Mexico or China, where labor is cheap.
Reorganization	Massive layoffs, from administrative personnel to low-level management. Top executives keep jobs; pay increased.
Restructuring	Massive layoffs. Mid-level management now at risk. Top executives keep jobs; pay increased. Retiring top execs. receive extended benefits.
Requires team leadership skills	Management responsibilities without pay or benefits.
Retail agreement	(See Price Fixing").
R.O.E. (Return On Equity)	Ratio of pyramids which can be built on cheap vs. slave labor.
Rock-and-roll atmosphere	Boiler room telephone sales.
Sales counselor	Non-commissioned salesman. Sales quotas still apply.
Some overtime required	...Each night and weekend.
Steering committee	(Or more accurately, steering by committee). Comedy routine introduced by Mack Sennett's Keystone Cops, whereby several panicked clowns, all pulling in different directions, eventually succeed in tearing the steering wheel off of a crowded, moving vehicle.
Stock fraud	Any means by which stock prices are artificially manipulated for personal gain. (See Insider trading and Stock options).
Stock options	Guaranteed ability to buy stock far below-market value, then immediately sell for a cash windfall. Granted in lieu of a percentage of salary, to divert obscene executive compensation from company payroll, annual reports, and public scrutiny. (See "Insider trading and Stock fraud).
Suggested retail price	(See "Price fixing").
Systems engineer	The Science Guy. Must be fluent in binary. Communications skills not required.
Systems technician	Mr. Fix-It. Must be able to diagnose and repair everything that boots-up, plugs-in, or just happens to be lying around the office. Previous experience parting the Red Sea preferred. Duct tape mandatory.
Tax shelter	Money laundering.
Team player	"Yes" man.
Technical writer (needed).	Employees can't read the computer start-up manuals. (See Trainer).
Work experience	Does not include fast food jobs.
Write your own paycheck	Commission sales (or congressional seat)

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