| Where Are You? |
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| sitting outside, trying to make sense of this feeble thing called a life. Is it worth all the pain, for the moments of happiness scattered around? Is it worth the torment, just to pretend everything is okay? Could they be right? Do I really focus on the pain, and the torment, when I should focus on the love? Do I really just cause pain to those around me? Could I be right that God doesn't care, or is it the truth, that the other's speak? How could God do all of this to one of his loved and precious children? Am I not important enough for anyone to care? Am I not pretty enough to be loved? Or do those around me truly care and love as they say they do? Should I believe them, or doubt love's existence, as I doubt the existence of God? I want to believe that here, sitting on my bed, is the loved child of God? The loved one to my love, the friend to many people. I want to believe that I'm worth the love they offer. I want to believe that I'm worth the life offered to me. It's hard to imagine a life without pain, a life in the future, with beautiful children, and a loving husband. How can I live, day to day, with these memories, and meds and pretend everything's okay? I want life to be easy with no pain or suffering, no razors or meds, but it's not possible, at least not now, not without help, from the one with me always. But first, I must believe he exists, and trust that I alone am strong enough to make it day by day, before I can rely on my friends, and one true love, for the support I need. But I need help to believe, I need to see something to know he exists and loves and watches over me. ~2/19/04 |
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