| Perverts and Psychopaths |
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| I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up. Do you know that feeling? That feeling that makes you wanna give up everything you've ever known? Do you know that feeling? Do you understand what it's like to press a blade against your skin and let it glide across the skin? Or look down at your arms, and see where the blade has been? Of course you don't, because you are normal, and I'm a freak. Why would anyone in the right mind cut their own skin, with no intention of death? I don't know why. I just know it keeps me alive. Sadistic, isn't it? I cut myself. To see the blood and feel the pain. How does it keep me alive, you ask. Because the blood and the pain are what I need, what I thrive for. They end the need to die. They show me how to live. Do you know what it's like? To live your life waiting for the day..... THE day..... that you finally die. It's not a nice feeling..... in fact, it's unbearable. That's why I do it. That's what drove me to this addiction. I'm addicted. To the blood and the pain and the blade. It all exists around the blade. Without it, everything falls apart. Do you know that feeling? The feeling that comes from something dear to you being taken away? The feeling that comes when you get it back? But what if you know you won't get it back? What if ... the most important thing in your life ... was lost in a fire? How would you handle it? Because the blood and the pain and the blade have been taken from me. I have nothing. Do you know that feeling? Of course not, because you are normal. You have a good job, and a family, and everything goes your way. You live in a palace, while I am out here in the real world. I am the one who deals with the perverts and psychopaths. I have to live with the rapists and robbers, sex fiends and strangers. Do you know how that feels? Of course not. And hopefully you will never know my pain. I live with a pain so deep that you will never understand. To you, I am just a freak who gets a paycheck for being crazy. I just ask one simple question..... do you know how it feels? To be addicted to blood and pain, but told to live without it. Do you know the feeling, deep down, that comes when the blade is perched over a pulsing vein? The feeling that comes as that blade slides, ever so gently, across the skin, leaving a trail of tears? Could you ever understand my need to know that feeling, to have and to hold that blade in my hand? All I ask is for understanding, as I sit here craving, but denying myself of the high. That's right,.... I quit. I quit the one thing that gets me through the day alive. Am I still a freak, a psycho, a weirdo beyond a shadow of a doubt. I want to be normal, and live in your palace in the sky. Could it happen? Do you know.....? |
| I wrote this when I was having a serious urge to cut. By the end, I remembered why I was quitting in the first place. I remembered that it was my choice to quit and that I made it. |
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