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| 6/20/06 11:45 AM For those of you who are interested, I am shutting down this site and starting up a new one. This site will go down once the new one is up. The new one will be located at www.geocities.com/flower_onthe_wall/. I hope you all come to visit. Sincerely, Emily 3/12/06 1:19 PM We are planning on going to the casino today; I hope I have enough money. The plane ride here was really nerve-racking. The second plane was really small and had a funny smell when we took off. But it went away. Well, I gotta go. I'll post later. 3/11/06 1:03PM Well, I am in NY right now, visiting my sister. I flew up here yesterday. Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I have been really busy with school and everything. Well I gotta go. We are going shopping. I'll try to post later. 12/31/05 10:32 PM Well, the time has come to kiss the year good bye. Hopefully this next year will prove t obe better than the last. So far it is already starting out better because it is starting with a streak of 82 days without cutting. GO ME!!! I gave up on New Year's resolutions a few years ago though. They just never seemed to turn out right. I always gave up long before the resolution was finished. Well, just wanted to say Happy New Year!!! 10/14/05 6:20 PM I am still in IOP. I've been suicidal lately because I gave up cutting. Gotta go. Just wanted to update. Talk to yall later. 9/19/05 2:59 PM I graduated from the PHP program last Friday. Today was my first day only going to two groups and seeing my new therapist. Everything went okay. No big problems. I ahve been hanging out with my best friend, Nyki, a lot lately. It's been nice. She's helping me quit smoking because she is pregnant and won't let me smoke around her. That's good I guess. That's all I have to say. TA TA for now. 8/25/05 8:22 PM Hey everybody! I've managed to stay out of the hospital for over a month now. Go ME! I've been depressed lately and I'm feeling a little worse today. I really want to cut but am doing everything I can think of to keep myself from doing that. I am stronger than that and I can do this. If only I can convince myself of that. It's hard. But I'm trying. Just wanted to let yall know that I am still struggling here, but making desperate efforts to change the situation I am in. I turned in my application for school in the spring. I am actually starting school in the spring! Go me again! I am still in a partial hospitalization program that is helping me stay out of the hospital. I was going Monday through Friday, but after a while, they moved me to four days a week, with Wednesday off. Now they are thinking of moving me to three days a week, probably Monday, Wednesday and Friday, so that there isn't a long break except on weekends. I don't know that I am ready graduate to IOP (intesive outpatient program) from PHP (partial hospitalization program). In PHP, we have 4 groups a day and in IOP there are only two groups a day. I don't want to graduate right now, although I don't want to stay in PHP forever. I jsut don't think that I am ready to graduate yet, but all the therapist at the program and the doctor there think that I am ready. So I guess I'm ready whether I can see it or not. Other than that program, I really have no life. Sure, I go to church on Sundays, but that's about it. I occasionally go to movies, most of the time by myself or with my mom. My mom and I have been getting along better. After I got out of the hospital last time, she told me if I pulled something like that.again, she would kick me out but that is the last I heard about it. Lately, we have just been getting along. Well I'm gonna go eat and smoke. Will update sooner or later, hopefully sooner rather than later. TTYL. 7/22/05 7:22 PM I was in the hospital again. This time for an overdose. I wasn't trying to kill myself, so don't start yeliing just yet. I wanted a buz and took too many. I was in the mental hospital the 12th - 13th. They gave me charcoal at the ER. It's nasty, so don't put yourself in a sitch where you'll have to take it. 6/11/05 7:05 PM I just got out of the hospital, again. I went this time because I was suicidal, after an argument with my mom. I guess everything finally caved in on me and I responded the way that I normally do, by getting suicidal and going to the hospital. My doctor let me out too early this time. She forced me to leave. I cut when I got home. I told her I wasn't ready to leave, but she insisted, so I left. 5/29/05 8:25 PM My life SUX right now!!!! I can't stand what my mother is doing. I want my FREEDOM and CONTROL back!!! 5/25/05 3:37 PM My mother is being a major bitch right now. She took away the credit cards, and my car keys. This means I am stuck here at the house unless she allows me to go somewhere. All because I lied and used by first disability check to buy stuff I wanted instead of using it on the things she thinks I should. 5/24/05 10:43 PM I have been dissociating like crazy lately, alters have been coming out whenever they damn well please, and I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS SHIT!!!!! 5/19/05 4:09 PM I AM SO BORED!!!! There is nothing to do around here. Just needed to get that out.... 4/28/05 3:00 PM I've been in a pretty good mood lately. Probably induced by a guy that I met. His name is Matthew. I was introduced to him by my best friend and her fiance. Matt is in the army for the time being. He is getting out some time soon. *grins* So far, I have only seen him twice in person, but we have spoken on the phone at least once every day. I miss him alot right now, and wish that he would call. I don't want to call him cuz he may be in class or busy in some other way. We were planning a trip this next week but it looks like that is going to fall through. So I'm prolly gonna drive up to him on Saturday with another friend. Matt wants me to spend the night but I don't think that is a good idea. I don't want to get him in trouble, and I don't know if Laila will want to stay the night. Guess that's all for right now. Will update more later...... 4/19/05 7:12 PM I cut yesterday. One of them was pretty bad. I had to go to the ER and the doctor put Dermabond on it. But unfortunately it started itching where the Dermabond was, so I picked it all off. I am holding the cut together with butterfly closures right now. I owe the hospital $100. That's my copay, and I don't have it. So, obviously, I am stressing out. I don't know when I will be able to get it either. I can't handle much more of this, and I get the feeling that there is going to be more coming. I'm still manic. I thought I had crashed into depression yesterday but the more that I think about it, the more I think that the situation I was in was part of the manic phase. My mom was being a royal pain in the ass, and talking shit about my sister. It pissed me off severely. Maybe I was just irritable because of the mania. And then maybe I did fall into depression and the cutting brought me out of it and back into the mania again. I just don't know. All I know is that I can't handle my mom putting me in the middle of everything anymore. I don't want to be the middle man, and I feel bad if I keep what she says to myself. I only feel better about hearing her say things about my sister if I can tell my sister what she said. I see my therapist on Thursday and my psychiatrist on Monday, which is the only reason they let me go home from the ER instead of making me go back to the hospital. Apparently if you have a treatment team and go into the ER for self inflicted would without any suicidal ideation, at least in Austin, they let you go home after they treat you. Which is a good thing for me, cuz I really didn't want to go back to the hospital again. I just got out on the 11th, and I don't want to go back. Obviously, I am still struggling. And I know some of you are as well, so I want to reiterate, if you want to talk or just ask me a question, just email me. I don't mind, really. 4/14/05 9:00 PM Well, I was in the hospital again, but this time it was because I was manic. I stopped all of my meds and when we restarted them, I only restarted the antidepressant, which threw me into full-blown mania. I am on a mood stabilizer now, without any antidepressants until the mania goes away all the way. I'm still a little manic, but that can be a good thing sometimes. I have been getting alot done lately, and not sleeping too much. Well, that's all for now. Will write more later. I promise. 3/23/05 6:45 PM I really feel like cutting right now and I don't have any reason to want to so bad. Does that make sense? I just wish that life would be easier. Over spring break, I had a lot of stress because of some outside factors that I don't feel like going into. Those outside factors have since disappeared, for the time being, at least. I hope that they don't come back, and I hope that this all makes sense because I really don't feel like going into it here. I just wish that my life would go a lot easier than it has been in the past couple of weeks. Right now, I am jsut doing whatever it takes to keep myself from cutting. Whatever it takes....... 3/12/05 6:20 PM I've been having nightmares every night for the past week and a half or so. I just wish that they would go away. I still feel like cutting, really bad. I also don't see my therapist until Thursday, instead of on Monday like normal, but that's not that bad. I just want to cut right now, and get it over with, instead of fighting the urges. Why does life have to be this way? 3/2/05 11:45 AM Been fighting the urge to cut like nothing else. Other than that, no big news.... I have stayed out of the hospital, and I have been doing okay, otherwise as well. Hope that the next time I post, it is as uneventful as this one, as strange as that sounds. 2/17/05 7:40 PM Well, it's been a while since I posted here, so here goes: I'm doing fine, no big news with me. My best friend Nyki broke up with her boyfriend of over a year. Steve was in jail and is out again. Steve cut his hair too. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm sure it looks goofy. I see my psychiatrist on Monday, and hopefully this time she won't send me to the hospital. I don't want to go back, but I have been feeling like cutting alot lately. I haven't cut in about a week but I don't know how much longer I can go without cutting. I don't want to cut ever again. I bought some cream that makes scars go away. So far it hasn't done any good, but I've only used it twice. I'm gonna start using it every night before I go to bed. I want my scars to go away, permanently. I don't want cutting to be a part of my life anymore, and if that means getting rid of the scars too then I want to do that. The problem with that is that, on the computer, I am known as Scars by alot of people in chat rooms and on messengers. I don't want to change that name, it would cause too many problems, so it looks like the change will just be in my private life. That's fine with me. Well, that's all for me right now. Gnight! 2/4/05 11:00 pm LIFE SUX!!!!!!! Just had a fight with one of my only friends. Really want to cut right now. I gave in yesterday, and cut, cuz my mom was being a bitch. Why does my life suck so bad. Nyki and I fight, and then she goes outside, and leaves me in here, alone. They're coming back now, I think. Allie fell down, and maybe hurt herself. 1/31/05 3:30 pm Well I was in the hospital again, the 27th through the 30th. This time, it was because I didn't feel safe being on the outside on the anniversary of my Aunt Shirley's death. She was like a second mom to me and she was there for me during the abuse when I was 17. Her birthday is coming up on the 2nd of February. I don't know how well I am going to be able to handle that being out of the hospital, but I am going to try. 1/18/05 1:20 pm Well, sorry I haven't written anything lately. I was in the mental hospital for a week (the 10th through the 17th), because I was feeling suicidal. I am feeling better now, but not much better. I begged to get out of the hospital, and got what I wanted, a cigarette. I know, that's bad, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I see my doctor in a week, and if I need to go back to the hospital, then I will, but for now, I am enjoying my freedom. 1/8/05 7:45 pm Well, I was feeling better, but my mom ruined it, as usual. Now all I can think about is cutting, and that is not good. I won't allow myself to hurt me because of her. I just won't. 1/7/05 11:15 pm Doing a little better now. Spending the night at my friends' apartment, even though my mother wants me to come home. This is the break that I needed, I hope. Hopefully, this will keep me out of the hospital. I'm scared that my psychiatrist will send me to the hospital on Monday. I keep getting worse. I'm afraid that when I get home, it will all come back and that I will end up cutting again, right before I go to see my therapist and psychiatrist. That will get me back in the hospital, and I don't want that. I don't want to go to the hospital again. I want to be normal. I want to be loved the way that I am, without people throwing my faults at me like I am nothing other than my faults. Right now, the other three are having a bit of an arguement. So I am sitting here typing, trying to ignore them cuz I don't want to be a part of that. I just want to have a good night and stay in a good mood. I want this to be a good night without any problems. 1/7/05 7:30 pm Life still sucks!!!! .....I just wish that I could get over being like this..... Does that make any sense? I just want to be normal! 1/6/05 7:30 pm Why does life have to be this way? Why does life have to throw curve balls at you when all you want is a chance to live a normal life? If you can't tell, I am still doing crappy. And I still can't find a reason for it. I see my doctor Monday, right after I see my therapist. Busy day....... I'm scared that my psychiatrist will make me go to the hospital, AGAIN...... Why does this shit always happen to me? I want a normal life, with normal friends, and normal everything. Why can't I get what I want this time? Another personality came out today..... Lucky. She doesn't talk.......because of some things that happened years ago. I hope that we can get her to talk eventuallyl 1/4/05 5:30 pm I have been feeling pretty crappy lately, so I haven't posted much. Just feeling low, and self injuring more and worse. Don't know what to do. I see my therapist on the 6th, and then the 10th, and my shrink on the 10th as well. I'm scared she'll make me go to the hospital again. Thinking about ditching the appt with the shrink but I prolly won't do it. I always go to my appts. I'm always a good little girl and do as I'm told. I'm tired of doing as I'm told. I'm tired of living a life that isn't worth living. I'm tired of living, period. Is that a bad thing to say? Cuz it doesn't feel bad. It feels normal, okay, and just plain easy to say. I'm gonna go outside and read for a little while. 12/31/04 8:45 pm Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!! (Hope yours is better than mine.) 12/29/04 10:45 am I hate my LIFE!!!!! It sucks!!!!!! 12/21/04 6:45 pm I am having a really crappy day. I can't explain it. It's just been crappy. I drove over to Heather's because she left her nametag in my car. She went with me to Walmart, and then I drove her to her parents house and waited in the car. After that I drove her to work, and then went to TSO to get my glasses tightened and cleaned. When I got home, I rearranged some of the things on my walls, while Mom cooked dinner. We ate together in the living room, and now I am sitting here, whining like a baby. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at 11:15 am and another appointment with my therapist, Howard, at 2 pm. I get to stop somewhere and pick something up for lunch between the appointments. That will prolly be the high point of the day. What else could happen that would be better than picking up lunch? *sarcasm* I just want to have a normal life, with a normal family and normal friends. I am tired of living a life that sends me reeling over the smallest things, like holidays and family gatherings. I am still scared that Christmas is going to send me over the edge, and make me go into the hospital again. There are going to be eleven people at the gathering on Christmas eve with my Dad's family. There is gonna be around 15 to 20 people at the gathering Christmas day, with my Mom's family. With all those people, I am going to go out of my mind. Not to mention, I still have Angel's name carved on my arm, and I have to find a way to hide that. The weather man says that we are going to get a cold front tomorrow, so I will have an excuse to where long sleeves and a jacket. 12/20/04 3:00 pm Just got out of therapy. Angel came out while I was there. I understand her a little more, but still need to get to know her more. That will come from writing to her in my journal. I don't quite understand DID yet, but I am getting there. Angel was confused, because she didn't realize that she was an alter. She didn't know anything about me or any of the other alters, which is not uncommon, but my therapist explained some things to her. I think she understands what's going on now. The time period that she has been stuck in wasn't one of the best times in my life, and she felt alot better knowing that we are safe now. 12/18/04 9:30 pm Just found some cuts on my arm. Spell out Angel, the name of one of my alters. Am in a really bad mood and don't feel like talking much. 12/16/04 11:40 pm Sorry to say this, I don't have the time or energy to keep this journal going right now. I will still post occasionally, but not as often as I have been. Anything important, and I will let yall know. Other than that, give me till after the holidays. I should have more time then. 12/15/04 9:00 pm Dinner went okay. I had to do some small jobs for my Granny while I was there. I went to play with my sister's cat afterwards. That put me in a really good mood. I may even get to watch him when Martha goes out of town in February. Yeah!!! He is adorable. He's only 3 months old. Well, I've got some work on the site to do before I go to bed. Goodnight, everyone. 12/15/04 5:30 pm I am giong to go eat with my Granny, Mom and Aunt. Not really looking forward to it, but it's pizza, so I can manage. After we eat, I am going to my sisters to play with her new kitten. On anotther note, I went to Half Priced Books just now, and got one book on Lucid Dreaming and two others on Wicca. Figure the least I can do is look into what Wicca is about since two of my close friends are Wiccan. Will write later to tell yall how everything went. 12/15/04 1:30 pm I'm still in a crappy mood. I cut on Monday (the 13th). I can't place what the trigger was, all I know is that I needed to cut. Have you ever had that feeling? The need to do something for no reason at all? Does that equal addiction? Well, I gotta go......... ta ta for now........ 12/13/04 I saw my therapist today, Nothing to do with that, I am in a crappy mood right now and don't feel like writing. Maybe tomorrow........ 12/12/04 8:30 pm Today massively sucked!!! I have wanted to cut all day long, and don't know what to do about it except to cut, which I can't do because I see my therapist tomorrow. Why can't life be simple? Today, I had lunch with my mom, sis, and Granny. Then I went to the grocery store with Martha, but we had to go to the one I go do to get razors. Luckily, they didn't have any, or else I would have bought more. Could that be God sending me a gift? After the store, I came home and changed clothes and went to church, but I just wasn't in the mood, and left early. Right now I am waiting for Martha to get here, so that we can decorate the bushes out front and get Mom off my ass. I just wish that my mother would let me have a day off now and then. Is that too much to ask? I wish I could just get in my car and drive and keep driving till I get somewhere that looks like I could live happily ever after. I just want a normal life, in a normal place, with a normal family..... no mental disorders, no alters, no cutting, nothing...... that's all I want. 12/11/04 10:15 pm I am in a really crappy mood right now. I mean REALLY CRAPPY!!!!! I really want to cut right now. I have been dissociating all day and I think my mom can tell. I think there were some times that she told me to do something, and I don't remember her asking, so she gets mad that I didn't do it. Why does life have to SUCK so much? Why did I have to be given all these disorders? Why did this shit have to happen to me? I just wish I had what it takes to handle everything that I have been handed? Why do I have to live with this? I know this is starting to sound like I am suicidal, but I'm not. There is a fine line between wanting to be dead, and doing something about it. I haven't crossed that line yet. In the same sense, there is a fine line between wanting to cut, and actually cutting. Right now, I am relying on a rubberband, and my computer to keep me from crossing the line to cutting. I haven't cut in a while (don't know the exact number of days, but it's somewhere near a week or two), and I don't want to have to start back at Day Zero. I don't even know what has set me off today. I hate it when the trigger decides to hide from me, and I am left to wonder why I feel like hurting myself. All I know is what I did today. I had the house to myself most of the morning. I got out of bed around noon. When Martha, my sister, got off work, she came to pick me up and we went to Granny's to help her put up her Christmas tree and get down the other decorations. Then we went to Lacks to get Martha some bedroom furniture (which is gorgeous, btw). After we finished there, Martha and I went out to eat (Oriental food, YUM!), and then she brought me home. I do know that I was doing fine, until I got home and then Mom started giving me different tasks to do that she apparently had already asked me to do. I hate it when I don't remember things. Maybe that is why I feel like cutting. Maybe, maybe not. I don't really care, as long as I manage the urge without giving in. I am going to attempt to go to bed now. I'll let you know how I did in the morning. 12/11/04 1:30 pm Nothing big has been happening lately. Today, I am going with my sister to look at furniture for her new apartment. We may be going over to my Granny's to help her get down her Xmas decorations. My sister will be here in 3 hours. Still not looking forward to the Xmas gathering at my Granny's. Everytime I think about it, I get this feeling in my stomach, and start dreading it. Why can't I just be like everyone else and enjoy the holidays? Why do I have to be one of the ones that can't stand to be around people? Why does life have to be so hard to deal with? I just want to go to school, finish, get a job, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after........ Is that too much to ask? 12/10/04 10:20 pm Went to the movies. Loved it. You have got to go see National Treasure!!!!!! Too tired to type much more today. Goodnight. 12/10/04 1:20 pm So far today, I have met my mother for breakfast, gone to the post office, and washed my car. In about 45 minutes, I will be going to see a movie, National Treasure. Breakfast with mom went okay, but I was stressing out just because it was the two of us. I don't like being alone with my mother, which is bad, since I live with her. I wish that I could afford to move out and live with Martha, but you need a job for that. I don't have a job because I had to go to the hospital, and my manager and I agreed it would be best if I quit. I'm not going to school either, because whenever I would go down to campus, I would flip out, start dissociating, and not remember anything that was said in class. I got a medical withdraw through the Counceling and Mental Health Center (CMHC). I think I am finally done helping my sister move, but I may go over there tonight, just to get out of the house. Lord knows that I need to get out of this house now and then. The more that I am here, the more I want to cut, and the more suicidal I get. I am healthier when I am not here, and I am happier when I am not here. On a completely different note, Christmas is coming, as we all know. It's my favorite holiday, but I am not looking forward to it. I am scared that I will end up in the hospital again afterward, like what happened with Thanksgiving. It's not the idea of Christmas that bothers me. It's being around my family and being surrounded and trapped. I would feel better if I knew I could escape whenever the need arises, but that's not possible, because then we would have to explain to everyone what is going on. I am also scared that I am going to switch while I am there. How would I explain that a nine year old girl decided to come out and play, or that a 15 year old, agressive yound lady told someone off? How would I explain a 21 year old who doesn't talk? Why can't life be a little easier? Why can't I just live, or die, in peace? 12/9/04 9:15 pm I spent most of the day helping my sister move some more stuff and arranging the bags into the proper rooms. I'm so tired of helping. I just wish I could relax for a little while. Tomorrow, I'm probably gonna meet my mom for breakfast and the go to the movies. That may be just what I need. Lately, everything has been do this and do that and get this and take that. Just let me sit down for a split second so I can breathe. I'm tired of my family thinking that I am capable of everything, just because they let me out of the hospital. I can't handle everything. I can't even remember to take my meds when I am supposed to. I can't even keep my room clean enough to live in, or simply concentrate long enough to read a book. If you can't tell by what I am saying, I am not in a good mood, and I really feel like cutting right now, but I am doing everything I can think of to prevent that from happening. That's all I can do, right? Wish me luck with the urge and goodnight to all of you. 12/9/04 11:00 am Two of my alters had given me a list of all the personalities in my head. turns out that most of the list was a lie, but Nyki and I picked out the onesthat didn't make any sense and we got the list narrowed down to all the alter that do make sense. I journaled with Mack and Emma about it and they told me which ones were real and which ones were fake, but couldn't tell me if there are more than what is on the list. So for right now, I know of 8 alters. I hope there aren't any more, but if there are, then I will deal with that bridge when I get to it. Right now, I have to go get a watch battery, some light bulbs, and go to my therapy appointment. Hope that all of you are doing alright. I will update yall on the appointment when I get home. 12/8/04 9:45 pm My computer was being a butthead earlier, so I decided to run a virus check. IT FOUND ONE! I deleted the file, but I'm still confused how it got there in the first place. 12/8/04 5:30 pm Hope everyone is doing well. I, however, feel like crap. My entire body hurts. I helped my sister move yesterday, and her new apartment is on the 3rd floor. We had to lug everything up 3 flights of stairs. Luckily for us, she doesn't have any furniture yet. They will all be delivered.\ On a completely different note, my alters are playing games with me. As I said the the biography part of this site, I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) which used to be called Multiple personality Disorder. They had given me a list of names, ages and origins of all of my alters. I didn't believe some of them and some of the origin stories were a little fishy. Yesterday, I showed the list to a friend, who happens to have DID as well, and she (and one of her alters) agreed that most of the names and stories on the list were not believable. Some of them are believable, and I can remember parts of things that would fit in with their stories. Today, I saw my psychiatrist. Ooooohhhhhh, FUN!!! *sarcastic smile* We are trying to find a way that I can make it through Christmas without having to go to the hospital again. I don't know if it is even possible to keep me out of the hospital after Christmas. I'm not saying that I want to go, but I am saying that I doubt I can make it through the rest of the hospitals without getting suicidal or cutting. I see my therapist, Howard, tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it. I want to see if he can get some of the alters on the list to come out, but I don't know if I will be in the right place mentally to try it. I want to know how many there are and how they formed, but I know it may take time. I don't have time cuz I want to go back to school, and won't be able to handle everything at once. I just hope that my appointment tomorrow with Howard goes well. 12/7/04 1:30 pm I am going to assume that you have read the ME section of this site, mainly so I don't have to go through it all again. I will however tell you that I am Bipolar II, with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and DID (dissociative identity disorder). I have had alot of trauma and abuse in my life, and sometimes it seems like I can never get a break. Life totally utterly sucks for me right now. I was just in the hospital for being suicidal, and may have to go again cuz some of the warning signs are showing up. Why ME? Why can't someone just take the pain away? Why can't someone make everything work out fine all the time? My day so far has been packed. I got an oil change a 8 in the morning, came home and helped my sister move some things to her new apartment (She just broke up with her boyfriend of 8 years), then I came home and spent 2 hours cleaning my room, and I still have to help my sister move more stuff to the apartment. (She had to go to work.) It feels like everyone thinks that just because they let me out of the hospital, that I can handle everything. Tomorrow, I have to go to the store for my mom and probably do some other stuff and maybe finish cleaning my bedroom, and the computer room. |
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