| 8 April 2002 10:33 pm Monday Quote of the day: "I see a spark of life shining... I hear a young minstral sing... There is a love in me raging, Alegria! A joyous magical feeling!" From Alegria, Cirque du Soleil. If I had to compile a list of songs to put on a soundtrack for my life, I'd find myself counting songs for days. I already have songs for many people who have meant anything to me: from the people I've loved so much that it hurts, to the people who live on in one single memory. It occurred to me that most of the time I wouldn't even have kept some of my memories if it weren't for the songs attached to them, because the music doesn't stop. I'll hear a song and suddenly I'm thinking about that one time when I was fourteen and Barry serenaded me on stage, or that one time when I was dancing with Eric (who is the only acceptable white male dancer I've met thus far) last year before he went to London this semester. And the best part is that 99% of the people I have songs for don't even know it. They'll never have to worry about me forgetting them for as long as the music stays alive, though I'm sure their memories of me will fade with time. I am 40 days away from Graduation. I just ordered my grad announcements, and I just got the grad schedule in the mail. It's a very surreal experience. Looking back, I never once dreamed of graduating college. It's not that I didn't intend to finish, I just focused more on the time I spend here versus finishing. You know: the parties, the friends, the boys... I wanted to live each moment, not thinking too much beyond them. I totally did, and now I'm sitting here with the realization that it's all coming to an end. Now I look at what's going on in my life. My big brother just bought his second condo in West Hollywood. My kid brother is taking his SATs and starting to look for colleges. One of my best friends is married and has a child. Many of my friends can't wait to get out of here and start their new lives working for "the Man" (whether or not they have a job already), but that life just doesn't sit well with me right now. I still feel young, like a college freshman who is looking for fun without responsibilities. I'm not even trying to make this sound all dramatic. Quite simply, I don't feel that I'm ready for that next step in life. While I am postponing it for a little while, I do not intend to hide and let the experiences slip by. I suppose its time for my typical Caroline line: suck it up and get on with it. Whatever, as long as it's a good ride. So a few of my friends (yeah, and me too) have been having relationship problems. Everything from "why won't he call me" to "I'm giving up on members of the opposite sex." All I'm thinking is, wow I miss being in a relationship. I do understand that I'm really freaking finicky and 99.8% of the people I meet/know wouldn't work well with me in an actual relationship, but still, I like to dream. I miss the concept and feeling of entirely trusting someone, loving someone and being loved in return. I miss having someone to fall asleep with. Yet at the same time, while coupling up with someone right now seems appealing, it's just not working out for me. But like I said, I can dream. |
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