| 21 April 2002 Sunday 11:11 pm (make a wish!) I've been struggling valiantly to find something relavent and chipper to write about. I've been scanning some of my friends pages for some inspiration, but I find myself sinking deeper into a pit of nothing. Sounds pleasant, right? I normally prefer to save my rants for my personal journal (the written one that no one will get to see until I've died), but today just seems like the right day to put it here, too. This is a warning: This will not be pleasant, and most people will likely think of me as a fake b*tch, but you know what, sometimes even happy people are allowed off days, so kiss my @ss. Heh. I felt like I was dying on the inside yesterday. The catalyst was that I wanted to go to the jungle party at Cornell, but I could not find a SINGLE FREAKING FRIEND to go with me. (No I didn't go alone because I didn't know anyone going either, so it's not like a regular IC party where I can show up solo and be okay. That could be interpreted as a pu$sy thing to do, to not go solo, but whatever.) So the reasons I wanted to go to this jungle party were because number 1. it was on my to do before I graduate list, 2. I love new situations where I have the option to explore, and 3. there'd be loud music and lots of dancing. As I was looking around for people to come with me to this thing, I was reminded yet again of the painful differences in what my friends and I consider enjoyment. You would think that friends would have similar ideas on what's considered fun, but not for me. I'm the only one who likes crowded places where bodies are in close contact, with loud hip-hop or dance music (or at least stuff with a killer beat). (Well, Jen used to like the same stuff, but then she got domesticated, hehe). Yes I can enjoy a nice house party with people standing around talking, but I can only deal with those so much when I know everyone who will be there. Yes I like bars where there is space to walk around and talk. BUT, I need the beat. I need the dancing. It is the only time I feel full alive. It's the only time I forget everything and live beat to beat, feeling absolutely free. And not being able to find friends to share that feeling with me, not being able to go out on my own to feel it, it makes me feel like I'm dying. I'm too limited by my surroundings. It feels like someone is suffocating my soul. It does not make me happy saying that. What on earth is wrong with my life that I don't feel completely alive unless I'm dancing? None of my friends enjoy that type of thing. I wonder why I chose people whose tastes stray so drastically from something I love. Don't friends have stuff like this in common? Sometimes I look at all of them and say, yes, they're good people, but I don't fit. We're too different. I don't fit anywhere. I dance on the margins of groups, never really belonging to any. I'm a loner, a nomad, and perhaps even a reculse sometimes. The irony is that I love people. I crave the connection to people. Maybe that's why I'm such a flirty girl - to feel, if even just for an instant, something special between me and someone else. Even if it turns out to be a misguided feeling, that instant was sparkling. I like to think that I have one of those deep connections with some of my friends now, but I hesitate to say I feel any of them right now. There are so many fundamental differences. I often feel like ideologies and general mannerisms are so different that I'm surprised I'm friends with them to begin with. And then when I get into a mood like this these friends tell me to lighten up and then walk away, or ignore them altogether? How is that friendship. Why don't I fit. What is it about me that keeps me isolated. Am I difficult, or did I just choose poorly? Or perhaps I've accepted so entirely that I'll never fully be a part of someone else's life that I find the most joy in dancing alone to a beat I can't touch. But tomorrow I'll go out again with that same ole smile. It's not like I'm masking anything because the majority of the time I live for the moment, and I'm actually genuinely peppy. I really am genuine, I think. Or maybe I really am that fake, that I feel all of this but go out with a smile. And if that's the case, the it all suddenly makes sense why I feel no connections, feel nothing but a need to be set free. Free from what? Free from these people I have supposed connections to? Free from a false image I put out? Free from being restricted by a mortal form? Or perhaps I just need to regain my equilibrium. All people have their ups and downs. Everyone has his day in the doldrums, and her day on cloud nine. Its only in the balance that we can move foward to experience more things that will dance on the scales and force us to find balance again. I think it's fair to call that growing. Right now I'm not balanced, but I will be tomorrow, and I can go out with a genuine smile. |
| howl |