| 19 March 2002 11:51 pm Tuesday I am listening to "Good Souls" by Brit band Star Sailor. I heard it on the plane going to Los Angeles and thought it was one of those songs that not many people have heard of yet. But then I come home to find it playing on VH1 and on TV shows. I'm someone who generally prides herself in finding songs before they become big over here, so I was slightly disappointed that this song is already getting big. Oh well, it still rocks. So you know how random people can talk to you on AIM? Why oh why do they think they have a connection to me because "my cat's name is caroline" or "my sister's friend's cousin's name is caroline"? It's just silly. This kid IMs me today by saying, "my girlfriend's name is caroline..." I'm like, so? But then he concludes it by saying, "But you're not my girlfriend so I don't love you. LOL." What the heck is up with that? That's kind of rude. Perhaps if I was in a more jovial mood I would have laughed right back, but I really don't like it when people waste my time and I told him. And then I find out he's a 14-year-old kid who's just playing, and I almost feel bad for scolding him, but at the same time I don't. That brings me to my next verbal escapade: Many people censor SO much of what they are thinking. I know that I keep maybe 75% of whats on my mind to myself. Why let the negative comments or inappropriate thoughts run rampant, right. There are plenty things that Person X or Y does to truly vex me, but not so much that I say anything to either party. Or maybe I just think it's more polite to keep from saying, "You daft idiot." And I'm sure that there are plenty of people like me out there who hold their tongues instead of saying what's on their minds. Does that make us traitors to honesty? Do we betray our "friends" if we don't tell them the truth? Why do we put so much value on feelings to consciously keep our mouths shut to avoid hurting feelings? Is it true that it just doesn't matter in the end? Because if so, then why don't we just spill all? Anger often brings out those bad/mean/inappropriate thoughts. People will say what they are really thinking to hurt someone else's feelings. Example: Telling a promiscuous friend that she's really a vapid wh0re, or perhaps the more common This is MY life and NONE of your business, so why don't you keep your nose out of it and shut up (translation: You're a nosy b1tch). Wouldn't we avoid so much conflict if we just got those things out before emotions run too high? I'm thinking that we generaly have a high tolerance for little things, and keeping our real thoughts to ourselves keeps things running smoothly. But does that make us all liars? I think about all of this now because I realized tonight that I have almost no one I would want to go to when times get rough. I don't want to tell people my personal issues because 1. I don't trust them enough to open up, and 2. Why alter their perception of a collected, happy me. I'm one to keep my mouth shut when I'm feeling down, but maybe I'm short-changing people who consider themselves my friends because they're not getting the whole me. And what's worse is that I've taken for granted the person I do normally go to, and I feel wretched for it, but I don't want to tell that person because it may make me look weak and stupid and selfish. So I'll keep to myself and be either a liar or someone who just wants to spare other people my problems. All those thoughts that are potentially painful and maybe even so vindictive that they eat my soul don't matter if I never share them and I get over it. They barely existed if no one other than me ever knew them. So why bother venting to people if feelings and thoughts will pass, and all that matters in the end is that I tried to be strong and good-hearted. |
| howl |