| 20 February 2002 Wednesday freaking late The song of the day is: Lenny Kravitz's "Again." Alright, I know that song was designated to the sonofab1tch@ssholetex@nprick (look, he may have been evil, but the impact he had on me was undeniably amazing and intense in all senses of the words), but tonight someone else kind of pointed this song out in regards to me. I wonder if he even has any idea what the words are because I certainly do. But if he thought of me when he heard this song, then that's something... or perhaps I only think that because of the emotions I have attached to it. In any case, yes, this is the song of the day. I am the girl in the red jacket. That's what I hope at least. What the he1l does that mean? That means an entire floor of boys thought I was hot my sophomore year. That means that there are actually people out there who DO find me attractive and don't have the guts to tell me. That means that maybe just maybe there is hope for me. It's right when I was beginning to doubt myself that things took an upwards swing. I went to the bars tonight and for the first time experienced flirting that I actally enjoyed. (I usually go to the bars to chill out with friends, not meet people.) The best part is that it was with a boy that I've definitely noticed before (we have class together). Yeah, the open flow of compliments took me entirely by surprise, and pumped some air back into my slightly deflated ego (not that anyone noticed) and made my night. I was beginning to think that I most certainly had no appeal and that I was doomed in the dating department because no one noticed me, or had the guts to say anything. I was beginning to lose hope! (Yeah I admit it, I have insecurities sometimes!) But I had a great time just kinda talking (not "TAlking") and joking around and being on the receiving end of the compliment exchange. Really nice guy. Totally made my night. Yet what is it about me that attracted him? There are the basics: attractiveness, personality, sense of humor, smarts... I'm beginning to think it's the first, as my smile can win over nearly everyone. It's usually the smile or the eyes, but in tonight's case it was the smile. Alright I know I have a killer smile, but is that what he noticed about me? Not my winning personality? Are looks that important? It's this bizarre obsession with beauty (our country has) that has me boggled. Is beauty subjective? What constitutes beauty? Why is that the first thing people always notice? Is it true that you really can tell a lot about a person by what he or she looks like? I know that I am definitely guilty of this. I know I can be superficial and all that good stuff. I didn't even think to like this other guy until he got his hair cut and suddenly I noticed that he was cute. I love beauty, but what has programmed me to value it so much? What reinforces my concepts of beauty? Hollywood? Studying ancient Greece? Books? There are tons of people who work their arses off to live up to this ideal beauty, and I admit that I'm one of them (well, fine, maybe not work my arse off, but I work pretty darn hard), but why? I've already fallen for the idea, so I don't intend to pursue this question to change my life. I was just wondering. |
| howl |