Valium wishes and Vodka dreams

Valium wishes and Vodka dreams

By Vicki Banner

I never thought I was a jealous or deceptive person until the day he told me about her. See, at the time, we were closer than ever before. We were each others shoulder to cry, we were each others drinking buddy, when we wanted a good fuck, we both knew who to call. Maybe that's how it all started. If we never would have had sex, I might not feel this way about myself or about her. Let me tell you a little about how we met and how we got to where we are right now. I met Justin through a mutual friend of ours. When we met, he was 17 and I was 21. I never saw myself knowing or dating a popstar but when I met him, things changed. The first night we met, we were drunk off our asses at a party. That night, I blew his mind with the best blow job of his life. From that day we were instant friends. By the time he was 18 and I was 22, we were best friends. We never discussed dating much cause he was too busy to have a girlfriend. I always knew though that when he was home my life was going to be a complete roller coaster. We loved each other, me more than him. How could he not be loved. Millions of girls loved him. I was the one he came home to each time and fucked. I was the one he left each time. Life was great when we were together. Once he was gone, life was a constant battle. He knew how I felt and he never pushed me away. In fact, I played the game he was dealing. It was my own fault cause there was no way to say no to him. The things his body did to me were mind blowing. So, over the summer he grew closer to someone else. Someone who he was falling for. Someone who blew his mind like he blew mine. This person wasn't me. This person was someone who was in his life once and has recently entered the picture. It wasn't until I walked in on him and her in his dressing room that made me realize that I was slowing being replaced. Though he chased me down after that leaving her speechless and me bawling in his arms. It wasn't like him to follow me when he has hurt me. He always let me deal with the hurt. I always thought he felt he didn't have anything to lose but once he followed me that night, my thoughts changed. So, he has me when she is on tour and I let him have his cake and eat it to. Is that wrong of me? God, you would do it to.

So there is where I am today. He told me that she is coming back from a 3 month trip to England and that he wants to try to make things work. In fact, he even wants me to go out with the two of them. I think to myself what the fuck you actually want me to like the one girl who I have been replaced by? The one girl who has your heart. I am his best friend so I have to go along with it or lose him. Besides, it will be good therapy for me. Not before I have some fun though. I snuck into his email account and found her email. I decided to send her a little note.

Though you are back from England and you have his heart, think to your self what he does when you are gone and he is at home alone. Do you think he is faithful? Look at him, do you honestly think while you were half naked in England that he was faithful to you? While you were on tour I was the one he was fucking, I was the one he was dreaming about, it was my sex and my cock sucking that he missed. Glad you are back in the states. Your loverboy will be happy. Take care..

I stared at the screen and wondered if I should really send it. A laughed a bit and hit send. She wouldn't know who I was. I am evil. He's going to find out about this. I wonder if he will care. I wonder if his true feelings will come out. I took a drink of my vodka and headed to the phone. I dialed his number knowing that he was on the way back from the airport to pick her up. He picked up the phone and I could hear her laughing and it made me cringe.

I've done something awful. I am really sorry. Please just understand that I was drunk. I can't explain what lead me to do it. I just wanted to apologize now. I understand if you never talk to me again.

I hung up the phone and took another drink as tears fell from my eyes. Why did I do this? Do I really want to see his heart broken? Do i really want to see him hurt? I lay my body against the wall and slide down it. The vodka is going to my head. I am frantic now. I know his temper and I know that I deserve everything he is going to say. I lay against the cool wall listening to the phone ring. I can't answer it. I can't pick it up. I know it's him. I can't live like this anymore. I can't play the game anymore. I finish my drink and crawl to get to the bottle. I pour the vodka into the tall glass and take a long drink. Then out of no where, I noticed the little bottle. The little bottle containing the pills that we use to take together to give us a pick me up to sex. I take one and let it take over my brain. I stare at the ceiling as I lay on the floor. I can't relax and by now I am scared. I don't want to be alone. I reach for the phone and dial his number.

I know she's there but I am scared. I've been drinking and I took one of our "little friends" and I can't think straight. I'm starting to pass out, If I don't wake up please know that I love you and I never meant to hurt you. Please know that I will always love you.

I hang up and close my eyes. I am awaken by a strange beeping noise. I can't open my eyes as my eyelids lay heavy. I move my hand and it is heavy as well. Suddenly, I hear what sounds like his voice. It's a low voice, a scared voice, a tired voice. I open my eyes and see him. His blue eyes are dark as tears stream down his cheeks.

Please don't let me be dreaming…

He keeps repeating the word why and I can't find it in my voice to answer. He tells me that he loves me more than I would ever know. He says that he is sorry. I look at him as sleep takes over my body. I whisper that I love him and fall asleep.

Lord, I am sorry for doing this to myself. Please let me live so I can love him. That is all I ever wanted and all that I need. I promise not to screw up again. I won't be a jealous person. Please just let us love each other.

I fight the sleep as I try to fight for my life. I beg and plead to let me wake up and hold him. I can hear his cries and pleas. I can't apologize any more than I already have. I open my eyes and I hear someone else's voice. It is a doctor telling me that I will be alright. I am no longer tired. I stare at the love of my life and whisper his name.

Justin I love you. Please forgive me for what I have done. I only wanted to love you.

He looks at me and tries to smile. I hear him say that she was a bitch anyway and that the email was a nice touch. Tears come to my eyes as he reminds me of the email. He holds me and says that he understands.

After coming home from the hospital I find an email in my mailbox.

Welcome home. Glad you are feeling better. Who do you think he was fucking while you were dying the other night. He's not a God but he does love you. Forgive him for spending one last night with me. That's all I ever wanted. I know you won't walk away from him so you can have him. By the time you read this, I'll be gone forever. I'll take my love for him to my grave.

I stared at the screen while listening to the TV. As if on cue, the news came out of the speakers. Queen of Pop kills herself more news as we get it...