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| It had come at last. Suspended living, silent visits, ended with the click of the receiver. The bitter taste of guilt filling my mouth with ashes of a funeral pyre not yet built. Mourning long over, last words spoken and goodbyes said would now be resurrected. Re-living that uncertain moment when vivid grey eyes had turned upwards with the pleading helplessness of a child. Confused. Frightened. She had stopped speaking one year? Two years ago? Day turned to week, to month, as did my visits. The calmness was surprising. Collecting belongings, turning the key in the lock, starting the engine. I would have expected more. The nurse has a kindly voice and an anxious face. Discomfort showing like the hem of a petticoat peering from beneath her uniform. There is no hope. Death had been on hold for too many years in a cheerful lounge filled with waiting. The television turned up loud to drown out so many lingering endings. It would be a welcome caller, kinder than the sly thieves of her laughter, her wisdom, her sometimes spiteful tongue. Her dignity. We had been strangers too long, she and I. She lies there unknowing, uncaring. The silence magnifies the forced cheerfullness of one-sided conversations whispered as if afraid to be overheard. Words are toys scattered to fill the minutes. I gently brush a strand of limp hair from her now unfamiliar face, grown old and distant. My hand touches the hard-edged husk of her. Too many hours in this night. Minutes snatched to drink luke warm tea and eat biscuits. A temporary escape. Afraid to be gone to long less the moment is missed, the final betrayal. But the sun comes up fighting fabric covered windows with sly fingers of light. Playing sulky shadow games. Waiting continues. Unable to outwit the crawling hours of exhaustion, fear recedes. The nurse slips into the room unnoticed, observes each detail, each change in her patient, finally announcing the arrival of death. Too soon! Too soon! Love erupts with childish rage! My arms cling, hold tight, refuse to let go! A shrieking, sobbing strangers voice cries out No! Come back! Who will love me if you leave? The selfishness of grief forcing one more hesitating breath. Let her go. Tears spill and splash, washing her face as once a woman's tears had washed the feet of Christ. The final reversal. Her words in my mouth. Hush, go to sleep, Goodnight and God Bless, see you in the morning with tea and biscuits. Goodnight, I love you. |
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| Death Watch |
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