For a SLEEPAWAY CAMP fan, nothing is more dissapointing than finding out the people behind your favorite movie are nothing more than mindless, talentless schmucks. I will spare you the mundane task of bringing to light the horrid tales of site wars and behind the scenes politics that have already been put as delicately as possible by Klyza. Instead I will set my sights on a more humorous topic. The SLEEPAWAY CAMP DVD commentary.

It may be four years too late, but I never had the opportunity to write this piece. I was busy with other things, albeit not as important as SLEEPAWAY CAMP, but important nonetheless.

One word for the SLEEPAWAY CAMP DVD commentary: shameful. Absolutely absurd. First and foremost, let's start with Robert Hiltzik. For those of you who don't know (you should be slapped if you don't), Robert Hiltzik is the mind behind SLEEPAWAY CAMP. He penned the thesis for college, wrote the script, and directed the movie. So, shouldn't the person responsible for SLEEPAWAY CAMP be more than able to tell us something about SLEEPAWAY CAMP? You would imagine so wouldn't you. You would imagine that all your questions would be answered, all your theories challenged, and all of the rumors would be set straight with the truths. You would imagine.

Personally, I don't belive Hiltzik even watched SLEEPAWAY CAMP since it was in the editing room. Therefore, unless his memory could surpass time and age, there's no way he could remember the how's and the why's. Then again, Michael Simpson and Fritz Gordon had no trouble providing an interesting,informative, and more enjoyable commentary for not just one, but two films.

It's one thing for Hiltzik to forget the details for SLEEPAWAY CAMP, but it is quite another for him to ignore comments and dodge questions as he sits there watching the movie as if he was privy to some advance screening. Moreso, as he sits there watching the movie as if this was the first time he had seen it! For God's sake, it was his movie! It is truly offensive to me as a fan. I was not only embarrased, but I became very hostile.

It became very clear to me that before engaging in this commentary, Hiltzik should have sat down in a darkened room, by himself, and watched SLEEPAWAY CAMP without interference. Surely he had 88 minutes to spare before doing the commentary. 88 minutes. Perhaps, maybe then his memory would have been jogged.

All those years of wondering what mastermind could create such a triumph as SLEEPAWAY CAMP was sadly put to an end after listening to this commentary. I was so ashmed for ever admiring Hiltzik to begin with. And I felt even more ashamed that he was the one responsible for SLEEPAWAY CAMP. It truly saddened me.

What could be worse than a movie's own creator not having anything to say about it? The movie's fan not having anything to say about it. Jeff Hayes (who dubbed himself "The #1 Fan", a title I have held proudly since 1995 thank you very much). What an opportunity. What an honor. If I hadn't heard Hayes speak before this commentary, I would have guessed the boy was born without a tongue. Hayes' explanation for his silence was that he felt it intrusive to speak more than Hiltzik and Rose (which I don't see how that would have been possible seeing as Hiltzik and Rose barely say anything at all), and that he wanted to just sit back and allow them to comment. Fair enough. However, I don't believe a word of it. My guess is, Hayes was starstruck and so overwhelmed that he forgot what it was he was there for, to moderate. He was there to speak for not only himself, but for all of us fans. He was there to speak on our behalf. To ask all those questions we've asked so many times before. And did he come through for us? No. He let us down. Of all the fucking times I would think Hayes would have been eager to play the part of mouthpiece, I would think this would be that time. I was wrong.

However, there was one instance where Hayes came through, or at least attempted to. Bravely he asked Hiltzik probing questions about the curling iron scene, and about the rumored demise of Ricky. And what did he get? Hiltzik outright ignored the question or gave a surly comment making it seem as if it were some top secret information. Personally I think Hiltzik was just trying to cover up the fact that he can't remember shit. More than once when asked about how a particular stunt was executed, he replied with "Move magic". What the hell does that mean? It means he didn't know what to say. Instead of admitting he can't remember or wasn't a part of it after all, he sticks with "Movie magic". Alrighty then.

And poor poor Felissa Rose. Out of the three of them, she actually kept me from slitting my wrists. Felissa managed to keep the commentary moving by reminiscing about her days on the set of SLEEPAWAY CAMP. She even asked Hiltzik some questions, but all that air in her head seemed to protect her from realizing she was either being ignored or ridiculed.

This commentary was truly a travesty. It's like waiting in the line at Stewarts to make your own sundae, and then once it's your turn you discover they've run out of all the good toppings, and all that's left is marshmallow which, no matter how hard you try, won't pour out of the glass decanter, and when you finally give up, your ice cream has melted into a soupy sea of milky cream. And you've already paid.

signed.