Title: To Say Goodbye
Author: Sazz
Rating: PG
Status: Complete
Category: Epilogue for "The Curse."
Season/Spoilers: Season 4, the night of the events after "The Curse."
Content Warnings: None
Summary: Daniel�s reaction to what happened to his former girlfriend, Sarah.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG1 and its characters are property of Stargate (II) productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money was exchanged. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations and story are property of the author. This story may not be posted anywhere else without the consent of the author.
Author's Note: Thanks to Pough for her encouragement.
*****
To Say Goodbye
Sarah�s face, then Sha�re�s, faces he�d loved, both faces cruelly twisted with hatred, both melding into each other, becoming one, as the flare of yellow light burned into his very being, searing his soul, tearing him apart, killing him.
Daniel woke with a start, sitting up in the hotel bed with his breath caught in his lungs. He groaned softly as pain ripped through his head and the room spun in nauseating circles. He sat up further, cautiously, gripping his hands to the sides of his head, hoping to still the waves of agony searing through him, that almost familiar pain.
When his head had adjusted to the shift in positions, and the pain receded enough for him to breathe normally again, he realized he was thirsty -- the dry desert air of Cairo always made him relentlessly thirsty. His mouth tasted of sand, ancient dust, copper and something bitter.
He fumbled for the glass of water he knew Janet had left by his bed after she had pumped him full of pain meds and sedatives. Unfortunately, the medication had worn off. He was also too familiar with Janet�s cocktails of medications and knew they usually wore off precisely four hours after being administered.
Daniel�s trembling hand finally found the glass. After nearly knocking it off the nightstand, he managed to secure it and using both hands, held the glass to his lips and drank. His hands were shaking so badly the edge of the glass rattled against his teeth. The water was warm from the heat of the night, but it still felt blessedly quenching. His stomach roiled as he swallowed the liquid, but he thought it would stay down. He had already emptied the meager contents of his stomach earlier, so there probably wasn�t much danger of it happening again.
In spite of what he had said to Sam and Janet back in the tomb, there was no getting used to the ribbon device. Each time, the after-effects made him want to curl up in a ball in a small, dark hole for a week until he felt somewhat human again.
Keeping his eyes nearly squinted shut, he glanced around the hotel room through his lashes. Sam and Janet must have gone to bed in the room adjoining his. The door was left slightly open so they could hear him probably, but it was silent and dark on their side.
His two friends were probably exhausted after having to get Stephen to the Cairo hospital on their own and by the time they had reached the hotel, Daniel had been so ill they both practically had to carry him up to their rooms.
Daniel realized that sleep would be a long ways returning for him. He didn�t even have to close his eyes to see the vision of Sarah�s face, horribly distorted by the parasite within her. She had looked so much like Sha�re, no not Sha�re -- Amonet. They all managed to look so much alike, their hatred somehow making them so very similar.
He pressed the now empty glass against his forehead, wincing as it contacted with the burned skin. The glass wasn�t cold, but it still felt soothing on his burning, tender skin. He was still thirsty and the bathroom looked far away, but he didn�t want to wake Sam or Janet. He didn�t want to face talking to anyone just yet. Not with the vestiges of that dream still tickling at his subconscious.
Daniel sighed, then slid to the edge of the bed and dangled his legs off until his bare feet touched the rough carpeting. Pushing himself up with his arms, he stood shakily. The room wavered, nausea assailing his senses again. Willing himself to take a deep breath, Daniel closed his eyes and breathed as deeply as he could through his mouth until the waves dissipated. He made his precarious way to the bathroom, remembering that Janet had left a few bottles of mineral water standing on the counter.
He dimly made out his reflection in the mirror in front of the sink, the only light coming from the moon and the few streetlights outside. The muted light shone through the window, reflecting off the mirror. He could see the faint triangular burn on his forehead, starting just between his brows. He was dressed in nothing but the baggy pair of shorts he had packed to sleep in. Sam and Janet must have undressed him while he was asleep.
Carrying the plastic bottle of water carefully, Daniel shuffled back toward the bed and moved to set the plastic down on the nightstand. Before he realized what was happening, he found himself sitting on the floor, a renewed searing pain shooting through his head from the abrupt shift in gravity and his tailbone protesting his rapid descent.
He�d managed to hold onto the bottle, only some of its contents had splashed onto his bare chest and legs. He shoved the bottle onto the nightstand, and collapsed against the side of the bed, resting his back along the mattress. He closed his eyes tightly, the burned skin on his forehead prickling like a bad sunburn.
His legs felt as shaky as rubber, his entire body was trembling. His heart thudded painfully in his chest, his headache throbbing in time and white spots were flimmering behind his closed lids. There was no way he could stand again if he tried. He knew he should call Sam or Janet, but didn�t have the energy. Didn�t have the energy to call, or the will to talk to anyone. This misery was his penance to ride out alone.
His penance for Sarah.
He opened his eyes again, his gaze in line with the clock radio on the nightstand beside the clear plastic of the water bottle. The clock�s red numbers were shining through the water, distorting them into something alien. Something that he�d expect to find carefully carved onto a tablet or drawn on a papyrus.
3:37 am Egypt time, the rippled numbers read.
A long time before morning, before the military jet would arrive to pick them up and take them home. Without thinking about why he was doing it, Daniel reached up and turned on the radio, adjusting the volume to barely above a whisper. Dropping his head back again, he let the barely discernable voices lull him, drown out his thoughts. Or at least partially drown out his thoughts. At least the throb in his head was a distraction to the grief and guilt threatening to overwhelm him.
His mind drifted back to when he had first met Sarah back at the university, seemingly a lifetime ago. How he�d blushed and stammered, acted like a complete idiot whenever she entered the room. That had quickly passed when he realized that Sarah shared his passion for archaeology and lost civilizations, and they had spent hours discussing theories and sharing research. In the end, it was she who had first asked him out, romantically anyway.
That first real date, they had ended up in some smoky club, he couldn�t remember the name of it anymore. Sarah had dragged him protesting, onto the dance floor. He remembered Sarah�s slender arms sliding around his neck, and she had pressed herself tight against him. He could smell the clean scent of her hair, breathe in the perfume on her skin. He�d put his arms around her waist, his protests silenced as he followed her swaying motions, their bodies moving in time with the gentle beat thrumming through the speakers, thrumming through him like a heartbeat, the smoke-filled air making his eyes and throat burn.
Daniel slowly focused on his present surroundings again. The edge of the mattress was pressing into his spine, his legs were starting to tingle with pins and needles, and he realized that the song playing on the radio was the same one he and Sarah had danced to some seven years ago. The reason why that almost forgotten dance was being replayed in his tired mind.
He hadn�t heard that song in years, and tonight of all nights he had to hear it again. It was like a message from her. He ignored the physical discomforts of his body and forced himself to listen to end of the song. Sarah�s message.
God, she must hate me, he thought. If there�s any part of her left, she must hate me so much.
Why hadn�t he warned her? Told her some harmless lie to warn her away from that jar? There was no reason for him not to, he wasn�t military, as he liked to remind his teammates on a regular basis. So why hadn�t he applied that non-military status to help his friend? No, not just his friend, someone he�d once almost loved.
Was it because he wanted to one-up her? Show her that �flaky Daniel� was now doing some top secret, highly classified, important military work? That he hadn�t crawled off in shame after being laughed off the podium and off the faculty after that fateful lecture.
Sarah herself had even scorned him when he first voiced his theories on the pyramids, calling him a �crackpot� in that precise British accent of hers, which somehow made the insult all the more scathing. He remembered she had looked both beautiful and cruel the moment she�d spoken those words, accusing him of throwing away everything he�d worked for, like it was some kind of betrayal.
Daniel shuddered, realizing that was how she�d looked this afternoon when she�d nearly killed all of them, why that expression on her face had looked so oddly familiar.
Daniel felt his chest tighten, then hitch as a sob escaped. He brushed at something tickling his jaw and was surprised to find his face wet. He was crying without being aware of it. Crying for Sarah. This wasn�t about him anymore.
This was Sarah�s moment of remembrance, for she was forever gone, lost. As lost as Sha�re had been from the moment she had been taken from him.
"Daniel?"
He jumped at the sound of Sam�s voice appearing suddenly beside him, her hand resting lightly on his bare arm. Her hand felt very warm against his skin. He was shivering now, cold.
Daniel shakily swiped the tears off his face. It was too late to hide them, but he didn�t want Sam to see him crying like this. He hadn�t let her, or anyone, see him cry even after Sha�re had died. His grief was something that he always kept to himself.
"You okay?" Sam�s voice was gentle, but concerned.
Daniel took a shuddery breath, the tears still wanting to come. Not daring to speak yet, he just nodded, flinching involuntarily at another sharp twinge passing through his head at the motion.
Sam was looking him over worriedly, taking in the awkward position he was sitting in. His legs were bent underneath him in almost the same position he had fallen.
"I�m going to get Janet, hang on," Sam said, her blue eyes filled with concern.
Daniel reached out and took hold of her hand still resting on his arm. "No, please Sam. Just. . . just give me a minute, okay?" His voice was wavering, sounding an inch away from renewed tears.
"What is it?" Sam implored gently.
"I just realized Sam, that Sarah died today." His voice broke on the last word, turning it into a sob, but he was too tired to care at this point.
"Daniel, she�s not dead, not really. There might be a chance to get Osiris out of her--"
"No. . . no," Daniel shook his head. "No, Sam. She�s dead. I have to think of her as dead. I have to mourn for her, remember her as she was, and I have to think of her as dead. Can you understand that?"
Daniel glanced at her with bright sorrowful eyes, the blue washed a pale shade of clear gray in the moonlit room. The tears on his face reflected silver tracks on his cheeks.
Sam nodded and tightened her fingers around his.
"I can�t go through that again. I can�t have that. . . that hope again, when there�s no hope to be had," he nearly whispered, the tears catching in his eyelashes, then dripping onto his face when he looked down, averting his eyes from hers. "What I felt for Sarah wasn�t the same as what I felt for Sha�re, but there was a time when I cared about her. A part of me still cares about her so much, Sam, but I have to think of her as dead."
Daniel�s voice faded and releasing his grip on Sam�s hand, he raised his own hand to his forehead, closed his eyes and rubbed lightly at the burn. He was shivering uncontrollably, the pain becoming nearly unbearable now, thankfully overtaking all thoughts of everything else. He didn�t want to think of Sarah anymore.
I�m so sorry Sarah, but I have to say goodbye to you tonight. If that makes me a coward, then so be it, but I have to say goodbye to you forever.
He dimly heard Sam�s voice through the agony, but he couldn�t answer, couldn�t even open his eyes anymore. He felt Sam reach under his arms, trying to lift him. He struggled to get his feet under him to help her, but couldn�t seem to find purchase. His feet skidded against the carpet, refusing to accept his weight.
Somehow, Sam managed to get him the three feet up to the bed and she helped him lay back. He clenched his teeth to keep them from rattling together.
He felt the blanket pulled out from underneath him, then tucked up around his shoulders. Sam�s hand gently brushed over his face. "I�ll be right back, okay?"
He tried to nod, but his head was having none of that.
Sam did come right back with Janet in tow. He felt Janet�s small, but strong, efficient hands on his face and neck.
"Daniel? Can you hear me?"
"Yesss," he ground out through his tightly gritted teeth.
"You have a fever again. I�m going to give you another dose of sedative and something for the pain. I don�t want you getting out of bed again, all right?"
He made a sound he hoped Janet would take as another yes. He shivered again as part of the blanket was lifted off him. Janet grasped his arm and he felt the cool swipe of antiseptic on his skin, then the sting of a needle.
Please forgive me Sarah for failing you, for letting go of you, and for hoping when I do see you again, that if I can�t save you, I�ll have the strength to set you free.
He waited for the medication to overcome him, grateful for its imminent release and when sleep took him again, he dreamed of that long ago night with Sarah, when life was simpler and hope for the future was something taken for granted.
~ Finis ~