DISCLAIMER:The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. Please ask to archive -- I'll say yes, really! Time Anew
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is a sequel to my fic ‘Borrowed Time’ so you should read that first, or this won’t make any sense. I wrote this before any spoilers for Meridian came out, as my personal swan song to Daniel. This story ties up the loose ends of ‘Borrowed Time’ and gives Daniel some much deserved closure for the events over the past five years.
Tremendous thanks to my friend, Pough. Many of these words are yours, so I gratefully share this with you. Your incredible suggestions and encouragement throughout were so greatly appreciated. Also, a big, appreciative thank you to everyone who sent me such wonderful feedback for 'Borrowed Time."
*****
Daniel paused to look at the small rock protruding from the sand. He crouched, reaching a hand out to steady himself as he lowered to the ground beside the stone, nearly buried and faintly streaked with grey. It was one of few rocks that lay scattered in the fine desert sand. The only break in the monotonous landscape.
Nothing on the planet that he’d encountered so far had any archaeological interest, but it calmed him to look for traces anyway. Calmed the constant storm in his head. The storm that had nothing to do with the symbiote with which he had been forced to share his body.
He had been on the Tok'ra base for nearly three months. His paralysis was almost gone, but his left leg still ached and trembled when he was tired or overused it. The fingers of his left hand were tingling and twinging, as they did from time to time, more of a nuisance than hindrance, luckily.
Daniel glanced at his hand, the electrical charges skittering through his nerve endings like live wires were all but visible. His fingers trembled faintly, twitched in slight spasms. He made a fist, then shook it out, trying to get the blood flowing. Make the uncomfortable sensation dissipate.
The shortcomings of his still-healing body were mere distractions, sometimes welcome ones to the numbness -- almost a paralysis of indecision affecting his mind. Coming back from near death, yet again, had left a scar on his soul far deeper than any of those on his body.
Daniel studied the rock for another moment. Sedimentary, with igneous formations -- typical of a metamorphic environment.
Pain shot through his left leg, protesting his crouched position. He sat down, resting his back against the small drift of sand behind him. He looked up at the cyan sky. It was early morning, but the heat from the sun was strong enough to warm his face.
Daniel closed his eyes, felt the warmth against his eyelids. The dry, desert heat always took his mind back to Abydos, the one time in his life he had been truly happy. That one year of respite.
It had been nearly a week since Thane had agreed to the risky transfer from Daniel’s body to another host. This time, to a willing and aware host.
Nearly a week of being alone in his head.
Alone. Again.
The feeling was a strange one. Daniel hadn’t thought it possible to grow accustomed to having a symbiote in him, but somehow he had. Somehow, it now felt as if he were missing a limb or vital part of himself.
*****
*Are you certain this is what you want, Daniel?* Thane had asked him over a week ago, a few days before the transfer.
"Yes, I’m certain. It’s time, Thane," Daniel answered in his head. That internal dialogue was still something Daniel found peculiar to describe. Thane’s voice seemed to thrum through the center of his being, the creature’s presence like an extra heartbeat.
Daniel had been outside, roaming the dunes, keeping his body active in the hopes of quieting his thoughts, but Thane wasn’t allowing it.
*You occupy yourself too much with the past. The past of your planet’s infant history. The past of your own troubled existence. Is that what you will return to? Is this not better? Having a greater purpose? Having a greater cause, rather than going from day to day, each day a struggle to survive?*
"No, it’s not."
*You are doing a great disservice to your people by not assisting the Tok'ra in the fight against the Goa’uld.*
"I have been fighting the Goa’uld. And, from the way I see it, we’ve been doing a much better job than you have. Let’s see, in four years, Ra, Sokkar, Hathor, Cronus and maybe Apophis, are dead. No thanks to any of you."
*We have done much in the way of sabotaging the Goa’uld. In spite of your boasting, their threat is far from over. You know this to be true, so don’t be snide, Daniel. It is beneath you -- a man of your intellect. You could be using that intellect to aid in the Tok'ra’s war against our mutual enemy, instead of pining for your old life. A life that does not seem to have been very happy, so what is there for you to mourn? To miss?*
Daniel felt a twinge in the pit of his stomach at this truth. Little bastard, he thought. Thane knew him far too well. How could he not? The symbiote entwined his spine, shared his blood. Daniel’s every thought was processed through the creature.
*Daniel, I sympathize with you. I am merely trying to show you that perhaps you could choose a different life now,* Thane spoke up again, his tone gentler. *I apologize that my words were harsher than intended, but surely you see that your life can have greater purpose. Happiness, even.*
Daniel remained silent. Greater purpose, maybe. Happiness? Probably not. Maybe Thane was right. Maybe this had happened to him for a reason. Fate, or destiny, or whatever you wanted to call it.
Sam had asked him if he believed in fate and he told her he wasn’t sure. He still wasn’t sure, but hadn’t the purpose of Shifu’s dream been to tell him to embark on a new path? Had Sha’re’s child, his own surrogate child, somehow foreseen this?
Maybe he could aid the Tok'ra in defeating the Goa’uld. He knew that his knowledge, his grasp of their enemy’s language and so many other languages and cultures was invaluable to the renegade group. His understanding of Goa’uld technology even more valuable.
It was there, that knowledge Shifu had shown him, tickling at the back of his subconscious. Hidden from him, hidden from Thane, but Daniel knew only a nudge in the right direction would free it.
If he stayed with the Tok'ra, what if circumstances allowed that knowledge to come forth? What if having a symbiote inside him would eventually be the push that made him as ruthless, as Goa’uldish, as his dream had revealed?
Daniel knew his capacity for darkness was there, as it was with most people given the right motivation. He wasn’t vain enough to attribute that thirst for power only to himself. He knew it was a human condition and as someone who had spent a lifetime studying the past, he knew far too well the consequences of power.
He couldn’t remain a Tok'ra -- that much he did know. His life could have greater purpose, he could still fight the Goa’uld, just not with them.
He had taken his chosen yet doomed path five years ago, when he stayed on Abydos with Sha’re. Everything after that was lost time. Time outside of time, it seemed. Or was it the other way around? His time with Sha’re had been a fleeting, brief haven from his usual solitude. That one year of happiness so perfect, how could it possibly have lasted?
He had found a new family in Jack, Sam and Teal’c, but there was always the feeling of separation, that protective wall he put up around himself.
He thought that wall would be able shield him when he stood by the gate and watched his team leave nearly three months ago, but he had felt his heart shatter in ways he hadn’t felt since watching his parents die. Since watching Nick tell the social workers that he would not be taking his grandson home with him. Since watching the life drain from Sha’re’s eyes.
He knew his team would come back for him, but he couldn’t face seeing them right now. That was the reason why he hadn’t contacted them one week after freeing himself of the symbiote.
Sam had tried to contact him a few days ago, but he had been outside, on the pretense of digging up artifacts again, as he was doing now. He supposed he should try to radio her back, but at the same time, found he didn’t want to. If he didn’t talk to her, he didn’t have to think about how much he missed her. Missed all of them.
He wouldn’t have to tell them that he had to let them go.
*****
Just before going in to begin the transfer of Thane to his new host’s body, Jacob had stopped Daniel with a hand on his arm. Jacob looked at him, his rugged features pulling into a frown of concern. "Daniel, are you sure you don’t want your team here to help you through this? We can get a message to them and wait till they arrive. . . "
Daniel shook his head emphatically. "No. They’ve been through enough with this. I want to do this -- get it over with, on my own, Jacob. Please don’t call them."
Jacob met his intense gaze, regarded him silently, then nodded.
Daniel turned to enter the room where Thane’s new host waited. The man was already lying on a large bed that was nestled in a small alcove.
A feeling of surrealism washed over Daniel. He wrapped his arms tightly, almost unconsciously, around his middle, hunching his shoulders slightly, his body seeming to reflexively cringe against what was to come. He took a deep breath, glanced at Thane’s waiting host and sat down on the bed. Tried not to think, tried to ignore the sense of unreality, the feeling of trepidation as he lay down on his back. He fixed his gaze on the ceiling. That familiar network of crystallized blocks that had been his entire universe a mere few months ago. Yet it calmed him to focus on them. After a moment, he forced himself to turn onto his side, facing the man beside him.
Baird, his name was, Daniel remembered. He and Thane had spoken to each other for a long time before agreeing to share their bodies and minds.
Baird was almost Daniel’s physical opposite -- dark-haired, his eyes nearly black in color, his frame small and compact. Daniel looked into the man’s dark eyes, wondered if he fully realized what he was doing, what he was getting himself into.
Baird met his gaze stolidly, but Daniel detected a hint of fear behind the man’s stoic expression. Daniel suspected that Baird saw the same in his own eyes, for Daniel realized that he was a little afraid, as well.
He remembered when Sam and Martouf had helped Selmak enter Jacob’s body, never once imagining that he would find himself in a similar position, some three years later. Daniel hadn’t seen the transfer, but had stood at the end of the bed afterward, saw Jacob lying motionless as Selmak healed its new host in the midst of the destruction of the Tok’ra base. This could have been the same bed, the same alcove, for how similar this base looked to the Tok'ra’s old one.
Daniel gave Baird a fleeting and, what he hoped would be a reassuring smile. It only hurts for a minute, he thought. That’s what Jacob had told him, anyway. He hoped the smile hid his unease at the man’s close proximity. At this unreal situation, this strange turn his already unusual life had taken.
Daniel felt Jacob’s hand grasp his shoulder as he stepped up behind him.
"Are you ready, Daniel?" the older man asked softly.
"Yes," Daniel answered, surprised to hear his voice coming out as a hoarse whisper.
Another Tok’ra came in. Maya, Daniel remembered. Sam had asked her to watch over him for a while when he had been paralyzed, lost in an abyss of despair.
Maya stood behind Baird and rested her hand on the other man’s shoulder, mimicking Jacob’s posture.
Daniel closed his eyes, unable to look at the barely disguised fear in Baird’s eyes anymore. Steeled himself for the pain he knew was to come.
After an endless moment of listening to his heart pounding in his ears, he felt what he could only describe as a tightening at his spine and chest. That tightness slowly moved up to the base of his throat. It hurt, far more than he had expected it to. He felt an agonizing pressure in the middle of his chest, his trachea felt as if it were going to rupture. He fought back the panic when his airway became completely obstructed. Thane’s pinschers scraped against the soft tissue at the back of his mouth.
Daniel raised his hand to his throat instinctively -- wanting, needing to breathe. He felt Jacob grab his hand, pull it away. Jacob kept hold of his hand, and Daniel closed his fingers tightly around the older man’s, grasping his hand like a lifeline. Daniel felt his mouth being forced open, felt his back arch, his body try to twist away.
Oh God, I have to breathe, have to breathe.
Spots of white flickered across his closed eyelids. He shuddered as the urge to gag, to rid himself of the mass filling his mouth overcame him. The fish-like, salty taste made his stomach roil.
"Easy, Daniel," he dimly heard Jacob’s voice, close to his ear. "Almost done."
Daniel forced himself to hold still. Forced the panic away, tried to ignore the burning in his oxygen-deprived lungs. His eyes crushed shut, forced out tears of pain, of fear. His fingers tightened around Jacob’s hand, squeezing so hard, he felt his nails digging into the other man’s flesh, but he couldn’t make himself let go.
The thought that Baird would now retain some of his own memories crossed Daniel’s mind. Just like Daniel still had residual images of Thane’s old hosts. Their losses and triumphs.
Eram quod es, eris quod sum -- I was what you are, you will be what I am.
The terrible pressure lessened, then disappeared. Finally, it was done. The mass was gone. Thane was gone.
Daniel gasped in a ragged breath. His throat was raw, scraped, and he tasted blood in his mouth. Copper over the salt. He coughed, taking shuddering breaths in between, the taste of blood stronger now, thankfully taking away the taste of the symbiote.
His blood, his alone. He was alone again.
He rolled onto his back, tried to get his breathing to return to normal. Daniel turned his head to look at Baird. The man’s eyes were tightly closed. His body shook as Thane entrenched himself in Baird’s spinal column. Maya spoke in the other man’s ear, reassured him the same way Jacob had reassured Daniel.
Goodbye, Thane. Good luck to you, Daniel thought, then closed his eyes again. He raised his arm over his face, surprised to find himself near tears. He felt Jacob touch the top of his head tentatively, then moved his hand to Daniel’s shoulder, and rubbed it in an almost fatherly gesture.
"You’ll be okay, kid. Just give yourself a minute, huh?" Jacob said gently.
Daniel nodded his head slightly, tried to hold back the tears threatening to spill.
This is what you wanted, so get a grip, Daniel, get a grip, you’re okay, he told himself firmly, over and over again like a mantra. You’re okay. . . .
*****
That had been six days ago. Those six days had been a blur of numbness, a feeling of disassociation from his own body, his own mind. The Tok’ra had all but disassociated from him, as well. He was no longer part of them. No longer important.
When he did sleep, or more lost consciousness from exhaustion, he was wakened almost instantly from nightmares, from visions of his past, the sound of a vaguely familiar voice calling to him. Afterward, he could never fall asleep again.
Those were the nights.
During the days, when he cleared his mind of all distractions, he kept expecting to hear Thane speak up, ask him for clarification of some stray thought, but there was nothing.
Thane had found Daniel to be a perplexing host. Daniel’s mind worked in ways unlike other humans, Thane had told him. Daniel had laughed at that. Jack told him that same thing far too many times already, although he didn’t think Jack would be impressed that a snake agreed with him on something.
The early morning had brought another dream of Sha’re, of sand and light. Of himself sitting in the command station he had constructed in that too real and, what felt like a year in his life, dream of Shifu’s.
He saw Jack raising his gun to end Daniel’s life, only this time the shield wasn’t activated. This time, the bullets hit home, exploded inside his chest, tore him open. As Daniel held onto his shattered chest and watched the blood spill through his fingers, the world filled with light. He looked up to see the face of a boy. The boy watched him, then spoke to him in a voice too low to understand the words.
Daniel opened his eyes, jolted awake. His hands unconsciously reached for his chest, but he grasped the book that had fallen there instead. Fallen when he had drifted into sleep, reading about the lost civilizations of the Mayans. His chest hurt, not from bullets, but from the fierce pounding of his heart.
He got up from the bed, went to the corner of the room to the sink filled with water. A small, cracked mirror was nailed above it. Daniel splashed the cool water on his face, tried not to think, and tried not to wonder about the significance of that dream.
Daniel looked up to meet his eyes in the mirror. They were shadowed, hollow-looking in the muted light. He had spent so much time outside, his hair had bleached to a sandy blonde, his face deeply tanned, the thin, white scar trailing his cheekbone stood out in sharp contrast. The scar was still a novelty every time he looked in a mirror. Looking at his reflection was something he avoided doing as much as possible -- he hardly recognized himself. It was the face of a stranger.
He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep anymore and wouldn’t be able to stay inside. He had to go outside, had to escape the tunnels that made him feel uncharacteristically claustrophobic.
He had discovered a nearly hidden, narrow tunnel that led to the surface. That allowed him to come and go without attracting attention from the transportation rings. When he emerged from tunnel which was so narrow toward the end that he had to walk sideways, and stepped out onto the sand, the sun was just rising. A blaze of red-gold met the horizon. He watched the sun rise, then he started walking.
*****
Daniel opened his eyes again, shifted his position against the dune and squinted from the brightness filling his vision. He wasn’t sure if he had fallen asleep or not, but the sun was lower in the horizon.
One thing about losing Thane was that he couldn’t stay out in the heat for as long. His head started to throb with the beginnings of a headache, his skin prickled with the onset of sunburn. He got to his feet, stumbling as his left knee buckled under his weight.
He started to turn in the direction of the base, then stopped and reached down to pluck the rock he had been studying from its nest in the sand. He tested its weight in his hand, then curled his fingers around it. He wondered absently why he found it necessary to keep the rock. Was it something tangible to hold onto when his entire world had fallen apart? When the life he had known was over? He clasped the small stone in his fist, rubbed his thumb over its smooth surface.
What did rocks hold but a silent, geological history? Only the keen eye, the learned individual ever looked at its formations with much interest. Realized its past. Realized what it had weathered.
Who would look at Daniel and know of him? Know of his past? See him and wonder how he came to be who he was?
*****
Daniel neared the entrance to the tunnel, limping heavily from the long walk. His leg throbbed, pain shot up his hip, his spine and settled between his shoulder blades like a sparking bundle of frayed electric chords -- an unpleasant memory of the injury that had left him there in the first place.
He slowed when he saw two figures in the distance. Stopped, when he recognized the brim of a baseball cap and the glint of blonde hair.
Damn. I didn’t want to do this yet. Daniel took a few deep breaths, then walked up to two of his teammates.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, looking from Jack to Sam.
"Nice to see you too, Danny." Jack tipped him a sarcastic salute.
Daniel looked down briefly. "Sorry. That’s not what I meant. It is nice, uh, good to see you."
Sam stepped forward and looked deeply into his eyes, as if she were trying to see into his soul. Daniel quickly averted his gaze, and Sam pulled him against her, embracing him tightly. She tucked her head against his neck and said softly, "Why didn’t you contact us?"
Daniel put his arms around Sam, returning her embrace. He breathed in her familiar scent of vanilla and something else he could never pinpoint. "I don’t know," he whispered.
Sam rubbed his back before releasing him. She stepped beside him and took hold of his hand, not quite ready to let go of him completely yet. He wondered if she suspected what was in his thoughts.
"Where’s Teal’c?" he asked, missing the large Jaffa.
"Ah, he’s off at some Jaffa thing with Ry’ac." Jack shrugged. "Told me to say hi, and to get your butt back home."
Daniel smiled slightly. Right. He could just imagine Teal’c saying that.
Jack tilted his head, eyeing him almost suspiciously. "Daniel, what’s going on? I would have thought you couldn’t wait to get out of here once the snake was gone. What’s it been? Three, four days and nothing from you?"
"More like a week, I guess," Daniel said, his voice a near whisper.
"A week! For cryin’ out loud, Daniel! And you didn’t think this was worth letting us in on? If Jacob hadn’t called us because he was worried about you, we wouldn’t have had a clue! When the hell were you planning on contacting us?"
"Colonel, maybe Daniel needed a little time on his own -- some time to get used to being back to himself, before he comes home," Sam said, before Daniel could reply.
"He still should have said something!"
"Sir--"
"Sam, it’s okay." Daniel tightened his fingers around hers. He almost had to smile. Sam was defending him with all the wrath of a lioness standing in front of her much bigger cub.
"I didn’t call you because I didn’t know how to tell you," he said softly to Jack.
"You didn’t know how to tell us about the snake?" Jack looked confused.
Daniel shook his head. "No." Just spit it out, Daniel. He took another deep breath. Why was this so hard to say? "Tell you that I’m not coming home."
Both Sam and Jack stared at him.
"What?"
"Why?" Sam tried to get Daniel to meet her gaze, but he kept his eyes averted, kept them fixed on the sandy ground, watched the fine sand stir against the air, brush across his boots.
"I. . . I can’t," he said. He knew they deserved more of an explanation, but he hadn’t expected this to be so hard. No, he knew it would be hard, that it would hurt them. That’s why he had been avoiding it. Why he hadn’t wanted to face them. Coward, he chastised himself.
"You can’t? Why?" Jack urged, shaking his head. "The snake’s gone. You’re healed. What’s the problem?"
Daniel realized that he still had the rock clasped loosely in his other hand. He rolled the smooth stone against his fingers as he tried to think how to articulate the reasons, explain why he had to leave. Tell them the truth he had avoided for so long. For far longer than just these past months. Since all his reasons for remaining with the SGC had gone.
Jack’s voice softened. "Look, Danny, I know you’ve been through hell these past few months, but it’s over. Come home, take some time to yourself. You’ll feel a lot better once you’re home, once you’re back in your apartment, with your own stuff. We’ll go fishing for a week or two. It’s no wonder you’re depressed, hanging around with all these stuffy snakes--"
Daniel couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. "This isn’t something a week of fishing is going to cure, Jack." He looked into his best friend’s dark eyes, knew he was hurting him, twisting the guilt he knew that Jack still carried for putting Thane in him, but he had made his decision. There was no turning back.
"I’m not coming home with you. I’m sorry. I can’t."
Jack and Sam exchanged a look that reminded him of when he’d been locked in the padded cell back on base. That ‘good old Danny’s losing it again’ look.
"That’s not good enough, Daniel." Jack’s intense gaze was fixed on him again. "We’re going into the Tok'ra base, we’re gonna get your stuff, and we’re going home. You’re just feeling messed up from having that snake in you. Just give it time."
"That’s all this is, Daniel," Sam said. "It’s exactly like I was, after Jolinar. Once you get back to your life, to your work--"
"My life with the SGC is over, Sam," Daniel said, keeping his voice soft, as if that would lessen the impact, the hurt, of his words.
"Why? Why is it over?" Jack nearly shouted, throwing his hands in the air in frustration.
Daniel started to answer, then sucked in a deep breath and held it. He felt his throat tighten, his eyes burn. He felt Sam and Jack’s eyes on him, demanding an answer.
"Dammit, Daniel, if you don’t talk to us, right now--" Jack abruptly cut off the near threat. He shook his head, took in an audible breath, then let it out slowly.
That was Jack’s ‘willing himself to be patient with the scientist’ sigh that Daniel knew far too well. It didn’t have the desired effect, he noted, because when Jack spoke again, his voice was tight.
"After everything, after all the hell we’ve been through together, you can’t tell me you’re going to walk away, just like that!"
"That’s what I’m trying to tell you," Daniel’s voice wavered slightly. "I’m already gone. It’s over."
Daniel flinched, surprised, when Jack stepped up to him, almost nose to nose and grasped Daniel’s shoulders.
"It’s not over! We didn’t go through all this shit, all this guilt about saving your ass, just to leave you here with these snakes!"
Daniel closed his eyes, didn’t resist when Jack shook him slightly with each word he spoke. He knew he deserved Jack’s anger. His wrath. It was as if Jack thought he could force his friend to see reason through the sheer force of his strong will.
Jack please. . . please don’t make this harder. Please let me go. . . .
Daniel felt the sting of tears, felt them rise to the surface, spill out from under his tightly closed lids, drip off his lashes. The tears made the skin of his sunburned cheeks tingle. He heard a quiet sob escape his lips.
"Aw, jeez, Danny." Jack released his grip on Daniel’s shoulders, only to pull him to his chest in a tight hug. "I’m sorry."
Jack held onto him for a moment then stepped back and laid a hand on Daniel’s cheek, thumbing away a tear.
Daniel ducked his head and quickly wiped away the rest of the treacherous tears. He’d vainly hoped that he wasn’t going to do that -- lose it in front of his friends again.
"I can’t go back. I’m really sorry, but I. . . I can’t go back. I can’t." Daniel tried to force his breathing to normal, nearly sobbing through the words. He saw his perplexed friends through a watery haze.
Goddammit, Daniel, get a grip, he angrily told himself. He swiped his arm hard over his eyes, hard enough to sting the fragile skin of his eyelids.
Sam took hold of his arm, pulling it away and gently, but firmly, urged him to sit on the sandy ground. "It’s okay, Daniel. Let it out. But please, talk to us." She put her arm around his shoulder and pulled him against her.
Daniel didn’t resist her. Somehow it was easier to accept the comfort from Sam than it was from Jack. He took a deep breath, and tried to articulate the thoughts whirling in his head. The tears stopped, the dam had closed as quickly as it had opened.
The worst had been said, right?
His voice took on a flat monotone of calm when he spoke again. "Do you remember after Sha’re died? I told you about that message she gave me to find Shifu -- but I didn’t tell you that before I knew about having to find Shifu, how much I wanted to leave the SGC -- how I had to leave. And once I saw Shifu again, everything I had set out to do was over." He paused to catch his breath. "I knew it was time to move on then, when I watched Shifu leave the base, but I wasn’t ready to face it yet. I. . . wasn’t ready to leave. I can’t keep going through that gate when every time I do, it brings me closer to what might happen."
"What do you mean?" Sam frowned. "What might happen?"
"What Shifu showed me. What I could become. I hate the Goa’uld so much. . . still so much after all this time. That hatred is going to take me over if I don’t stop -- right now. Having to live my life for the past three months understanding what it’s like to be a host, only made it all that much clearer. I have to choose a different path."
"Daniel, I hate those snakes as much as you, well, almost as much as you--" Jack said. He scrubbed a hand over his face, then sat down cross-legged across from Daniel and Sam.
"No. . . no you don’t, Jack." Daniel shook his head. "You don’t know what I could be capable of."
"That was a dream, Daniel," Sam said. "It was meant to warn you about human nature. It didn’t mean that you were going to end up that way."
"It was about me though, Sam. It was exaggerated to drive the point home." Daniel looked at her now, meeting her gaze, needing her to understand. "But it was about me. My path. The road not to take -- I see that now. I can’t go back, my life with the SGC is over."
No one said anything for a moment.
"Where do you see this ‘new path’ taking you?" Jack broke the silence, his voice barely disguising the skepticism edging around it.
Daniel met Jack’s concerned gaze. "I’m not sure yet. But I want to go to Abydos. At least for a while." He realized that he needed to go to Abydos. This planet reminded him so much of the place he had chosen to stay five years ago. The place he could call home for a short time. Maybe there he would find Shifu again.
"Danny," Jack sighed. "I don’t know if Hammond is going to authorize that."
"Jack, I’m a civilian, remember?" Daniel smiled at his own old joke. "I can quit anytime I want. I’m hoping Hammond will agree to it -- I’ll tell him it’s a vacation or something, as long as you guys back me up."
Jack stared at him for a long moment. Daniel could almost read Jack’s thoughts. Read Jack trying to strategize how best to deal with his unreasonable friend.
"All right -- let’s get your things together and head back to the SCG and we’ll talk to Hammond," Jack finally said. He spoke slowly, his voice low, his gaze still fixed on Daniel’s face. "But this discussion is far from over, Daniel. If you think I’m going to let you go that easy, you’re kidding yourself."
Daniel met Jack’s eyes, but remained silent.
"You’re far too important to my team for me to let you quit." Jack’s voice cracked on the last few words -- his unintended way of telling Daniel that he wasn’t going to let his best friend out of his life without a fight. Jack leaned forward to ruffle Daniel’s grown out, sun-bleached hair. "You look like a surfer, for cryin’ out loud." Jack smiled, but his eyes were somber. He reached out a hand to help Daniel stand.
Daniel took the older man’s hand, allowing Jack to pull him up as he stood. Daniel stumbled against Jack as his knee buckled again, his leg trembling. He was surprised at how drained he felt -- both physically and emotionally.
Jack caught him around his shoulders, steadying him. He looked into Daniel’s eyes, his expression concerned. "You okay?"
Daniel nodded, then straightened. He had to put most of his weight on his right leg to keep from wavering. "Yes, just a little tired, that’s all."
Sam encircled his waist with her arm. Daniel laid his hand over hers, grateful for her touch, her support. He'd missed having some kind of physical contact, even if it was merely his friend's arm around him. Her touch, her warmth, lessened the sense of solitude. Of feeling discarded, in limbo.
"When do you have to go back to base?" he asked the two of them, a plan suddenly forming in his mind.
"Carter and I are on stand-down for a week. Why?" Jack looked at him.
"Why don’t you two stay here tonight? I want to say goodbye to some of the Tok’ra -- to Thane, too. You guys can have a visit with Jacob, check out the sights?" Daniel smiled slightly.
Jack looked skeptical. "Sights? Well, okay." He turned in a slow circle. "There’s sand. . . And look! More sand. And just off to your right, lo and behold, I give you. . . sand. There’s a bit of rock over to that side, and one of those dunes is a little higher than the rest. Oh, and did I forget to mention? Sand." Jack grinned at Daniel and bounced on the balls of his feet a few times. "Okay, got the sights down. Let’s go say hi to Jake."
*****
Daniel rounded the corner and, spotting who he was looking for, called out, "Baird?"
The Tok'ra stopped, turned and smiled. He walked up to Daniel. "I heard you are leaving."
Daniel nodded. "Yes. It’s time. How are you two getting along?" He waved his hand up and down in the direction of Baird’s neck.
The man lowered his head, then raised it and spoke in the metallic timbre of the symbiote. "Very well, thank you. This one is much easier than you were, although not nearly as entertaining." Thane used Baird’s mouth to grin at him.
Daniel smiled back. "Glad to hear that, Thane. I think." He shifted slightly. "I wanted to say goodbye. As much as. . . you know, I, uh, don’t like symbiotes, my opinion of them, or at least the Tok'ra, has improved quite a bit since getting to know you."
"Thank you, Daniel. I shall miss our conversations," Thane held out his hand.
"I will too," Daniel said. He grasped the Tok’ra’s hand, held it for a moment. Felt a momentary twinge of that inexplicable sense of loss he had experienced when Thane first left his body.
*****
It was late; Daniel’s watch read 02:03. Oh-two hundred, he automatically read. He had spent so much time with the military, he even thought in military time now.
Daniel, Sam, Jack and Jacob had spent the evening sharing a bottle of cognac Jacob had been saving. Selmac hadn’t been pleased with Jacob’s ingestion of alcohol, but suffered it as a favor to his well-loved host.
Daniel nursed his drink throughout the evening. He swirled the amber liquid in his glass, breathing in its aromatic scent more than tasting it. He watched the other three talk animatedly of previous missions. Jacob told stories of Sam’s childhood that made the efficient, combat-trained Major blush and giggle like the twelve-year-old she had been in Jacob’s stories.
Daniel smiled at Sam, watching her pink-flushed face. He watched more than listened to his teammates. Memorized their faces, catalogued their mannerisms. He missed having Teal’c there, but at the same time, he had said his goodbye to the Jaffa three months ago.
He knew Jack was eager to get back to base in the morning. He knew that Jack hoped once he got Daniel back to the SGC, to Earth, he would change his mind and stay. Or knowing Jack, he likely hoped he could talk Daniel into giving in.
Daniel said nothing to dissuade that hope, but he knew tonight would be his last night with his teammates for a long time.
Jacob later retired to his quarters, and Jack and Sam laid out their bedrolls along opposite walls to each other, in Daniel’s area -- a habit formed after spending five years worth of missions together and sleeping within close proximity to each other when off-world.
Daniel lay back on the covers on his bed and waited until he heard Jack start to snore and Sam’s breathing even out. He had spent enough sleepless nights on missions with them to recognize the sounds of their deep slumber.
He pulled out his notepad, turned onto his stomach and positioned the paper on the pillow. He propped himself on one elbow and used the meager light from the illuminated face of his watch to write. He’d written in worse light, but he still had to press his face close to the paper to see.
As he wrote, he let the words flow unchecked, unedited, for fear of not effectively articulating what he wanted to say.
His small explanation, his insufficient apology for what he was about to do.
Daniel quickly reread the finished words, then folded the note carefully and wrote his friends’ names on top. He got up quietly and laid the paper on the pillow. Pulling the stone he had found earlier that morning from his pocket, he laid it on the paper, weighing the note down.
His written words weren’t enough, he knew that. It wasn’t what his friends deserved, but he didn’t want to hurt them any more than necessary. Going back to the base, dragging things out, saying goodbye all over again would only result in that. Hurting them.
He stepped past Jack’s sleeping form quietly. He hoped the amounts of alcohol Jack had consumed would deepen his sleep.
The older man didn’t stir as Daniel paused by his side. Jack was buried in the sleeping bag, only a small tuft of grey hair visible.
Daniel stopped in the doorway to look back at Sam’s sleeping face. She lay on her side, facing him. Her hands were tucked under her chin, making her look younger. Her bright hair was silver in the dim light.
Goodbye, Sam. Goodbye Jack. You have no idea how much I’m going to miss you. Please forgive me for sneaking away like a thief in the night, but trust me -- it is easier this way.
That goodbye at the gate three months ago had been hard enough when it was supposed to have been a temporary thing. He felt strangely calm now, as if all the tears he had within him had been shed. Maybe they would come later, but now he was disassociated from his body, as if his leaving were part of another dream.
Daniel turned his back, headed down the tunnel, stopping only to retrieve the pack he had stashed in a corner alcove earlier that night. He swung it on his back and headed for the sand, for the gate.
*****
Daniel edged out of the thin tunnel leading to the surface, holding his pack to his side. The tunnel was too narrow for him to walk through with the pack on.
He stepped onto the sand to a clear, cool night. The moon was full, bright and illuminating everything in a dark, silvery-blue glow. Daniel put his pack on again, and readied himself for the walk ahead. Tried not to think of what he was leaving behind.
There was no turning back. There was never any turning back for him.
"Do you want to tell me what you think you're doing?"
Daniel jumped, startled, his heart skipping a beat. He spun in the direction of the voice.
"Jack. I. . .I thought, uh. . . I thought you were asleep," Daniel stammered, badly flustered. Damn, he hadn't anticipated this. He thought he had been able to get away, safely undetected. Safe from having to explain.
"Daniel, you don't get to be where I am, and stay alive as long as I have, without learning how to sleep with one eye open," Jack said, his tone vaguely condescending.
Daniel nodded slightly, felt his heart sink. "Right," he said softly. He should have known Jack better. Jack obviously knew him far too well. He had probably been expecting this.
"So you're leaving, just like that?" Jack said, his voice harsh, disbelieving.
Daniel ducked his head apologetically. "I, uh. . . I left a note. . ." He let his voice fade, knowing how small, how insignificant that sounded.
"A note,Daniel?" Jack echoed, shook his head slightly. "You thought could sneak off and leave us a note? Like you were just going to the corner store, or something?"
"I'm sorry," Daniel nearly whispered. "I thought it would be easier. . ." he closed his eyes, at a loss how to continue. To justify why he had to do this.
"You really mean it about leaving, huh?" Jack said, his voice softer now, his body slumping almost imperceptibly.
Daniel looked at Jack again. Nodded slowly. "I have to do this," he said, his voice raspy from the tightness in his throat. "I know that if I went back to the SGC, we'd have to get all kinds of clearance from the military. They might not even let me go back through the Stargate again, after I resign. Not with all the knowledge I possess of the Tok'ra now. I thought leaving this way would make things easier," he tried to explain. Tried to justify the betrayal. And that's what he saw on Jack's face. The hurt of betrayal.
Jack looked down, frowning, considering Daniel's words. Daniel hoped Jack could realize the truth in them.
"What about all your stuff?" Jack asked after a moment. "What about--" he abruptly cut of his words.
Daniel's mind filled in the unspoken words. What about us? What about this friendship, this bond we have?
"I'll come back again. . . soon," he answered the silent question softly. "As for my stuff, you can put it in storage. You guys keep whatever you like, if you want to. I've lived out of a suitcase for most of my life, anyway, Jack. Material possessions aren't important to me."
Jack watched him, at a loss for words. His dark eyes were bright in the bluish light from the moon.
Daniel met Jack's gaze, found his mind wandering back to over six years ago when he had stayed behind on Abydos. When he had then thought he was saying goodbye to Jack for the last time. It was oddly fitting -- right, even, that Jack was the one seeing him off now.
"I've done this before, remember?" Daniel smiled slightly. "It'll be like going full circle, in a way."
Jack shook his head slightly, not in denial, but maybe in resignation. "We just got you back, Danny." Jack's voice was low, hoarse from emotion.
"Please, Jack," Daniel felt his chest tighten, felt his heart break a little again. "Please, let me go."
"You really coming back?"
"I will. I promise."
Jack nodded. Closed his eyes for a moment. "You still got that GDO I gave you?"
Daniel nodded in return. "Yes, in my pack."
"That backdoor will always stay open for you, all right? You come home whenever you're ready."
Daniel nodded again, unable to speak. Tears pricked at his eyes, tickled his nose. Made his vision blur into a silver haze.
"I'm going to miss you, you pain in the ass scientist," Jack told him, his own eyes filling with tears. "And you'll miss me too. My good-natured barbs. My crusty, yet oh so charming personality."
"I will miss you," Daniel whispered. "Tell Sam, Teal'c. . .Make sure they get my note, okay?"
"Yeah." Jack stepped closer, pulled him into an embrace, holding him tight.
Daniel felt as if the past three months had been an endless succession of heartache, of things coming to an end. He hoped he was making the right choice. Hoped that this pull to Abydos would finally bring some respite.
He felt Jack's uneven breathing against his own chest, but Jack didn't make a sound. Daniel moved to pull away but Jack tightened his hold.
"Ah! Give a crusty old colonel a sec, will ya?" he croaked out, grasped Daniel a little harder. Jack took a deep breath, then released him slowly, almost reluctantly.
Jack's face was firmly arranged in his customary stiff-upper lip, his eyes still a little bright, but free of tears. "Do you want me to walk you to the gate?"
Daniel found his own eyes were nearly dry now. The decision had been made, Jack was letting him go. "No," Daniel shook his head slightly. "I think this is a walk I need to make on my own."
He knew he needed the time to calm his emotions, find a way to detach again so he could go through with this.
Jack nodded. "I'll be seein' you around."
Their eyes locked for a moment, taking them both back to that first goodbye on Abydos again. Jack had said those same words to him just before Jack had stepped back through the gate.
"I'll see you soon, Jack."
Full circle, Daniel thought again. He looked down, broke their intense gaze. He adjusted his pack, turned toward the gate and started walking. Felt Jack's eyes on his back, felt him silently wishing him well. Daniel lowered his head, forced himself not to look back. He fixed his gaze on the sand. Sought its distraction, its reminder of Abydos, of where he hoped home waited.
*****
Jack, Sam and Teal’c,
I’ve never had to write anything like this before, so I don’t know where to begin. I suppose I should start with an apology. I’m sorry to leave like this, but believe me when I tell you, it’s better this way. Jack, I know you wouldn’t have let me go without fighting it. You would be angry or say that I wasn’t thinking clearly, that I wasn’t myself.
For a while, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I didn’t want to face what I knew to be the truth. Now I can face it. Now I’ve never been more sure of anything.
I realize now that the SGC was never the path I was meant to take. Or maybe it was for a time. A time I may have spent selfishly – the missions, the discoveries, I did them all in the hope of finding Sha’re, then Shifu.
Afterward, I kept going because I felt I had to. I didn’t want to let you down or lose all of you. I wasn’t ready to face leaving you.
That’s not to say that the past five years haven’t been indescribable. What we’ve seen, what we’ve accomplished haven’t been beyond my wildest expectations, because they were all that and much, much more. You all became so important to me, the family I couldn’t hope to ever find, or imagine ever becoming a part of. Over the past five years, I felt a part of something. A part of something important, worthwhile, but now I have to step aside. Take that metaphorical fork in the road.
Jack, like you said, we’ve been through so much together, right from that first trip through the Stargate. That amazing, terrifying, wonderful first trip through the universe. I’ll never forget the feeling of the event horizon the first time I slowly stepped through it. Let it wash over me. Savored it in case it was the last trip I took through it.
That was when a hardened colonel and an idealistic archaeologist managed to form an unlikely friendship. A friendship that is more valuable to me than my own life. A friendship that I will miss greatly, a friendship with a man I look up to, respect, and admire. Jack, we have been through more together than I thought possible in a single lifetime and please don’t ever feel any guilt over my leaving. This is what I want. I know we will see each other again soon.
Sam, from the first moment I saw you, it was as if you and I had a spiritual meeting of like minds. Of instant connection and true friendship. I don’t know how I would have recovered from all this, survived everything that’s happened over these past five years, if it wasn’t for you. Maybe I would have survived, but it would have been emptier. You’ve always been there, right from when I came back to the base and onto the team. You were always telling me to get some sleep, forcing me to care of myself when all I wanted to do was scream in frustration, work myself to distraction, so I wouldn’t have to think about how helpless I felt. Those may have seemed like small things, but you can’t imagine how good it felt to have someone care. How much it helped. You can’t imagine how much I’ll miss you.
Teal’c, I don’t know if I ever told you how greatly I respect you. Not matter how much I wanted to blame you, hate you even, for Sha’re, for Skaara, I could never hold onto it. You are a man of great courage and honor. A good man, a warrior, brother and a true friend. Lek Tol, Teal’c.
Sam, Jack and Teal’c, I hope you can forgive me and maybe even understand why I have to do this. I hope to see you again one day soon. Think of me once in a while, and know that I’ll always be thinking of you. I love all of you and I am honored that you allowed me to be a part of your team and part of your family.
Daniel
Sam looked up at Jack as he stepped back into the room. She was sitting on Daniel’s bed, her face streaked with tears. She held a note in her hands. Daniel’s note.
"He’s really gone, isn’t he?" she said, her voice soft, trembling from the tears still falling.
"Yeah." Jack moved to sit beside her. He looked at the note in her hand. Daniel’s small, precise handwriting was wet, blurred in places. "He’ll be back, though."
"Do you really think so?"
Jack nodded, looked at his hands that he unconsciously clenched and unclenched in his lap. "Yeah. . . I do. He’ll be okay."
Be safe and be happy, Danny, he thought.
*****
The moon illuminated the sand enough for Daniel to be able to easily find his way to the Stargate. He calculated the distances in his head as he walked, figuring he would have to gate to P2M 3X7 first, then P3R 5R9, which was in alignment with Earth and Abydos.
The dry powdery sand glinted white, like sugar, in the moonlight. The air was still, silent. The only sound was his slightly labored breathing and his heartbeat thrumming in his ears. His body was tired and the two-mile walk felt more arduous than it should have. He kept his eyes on the ground, not wanting to lose his footing, favoring his weaker left leg.
Finally, he could see the gate. The moonlight shone on the stone ring, illuminating its multi-faceted surface. A few feet from the gate, a wind started to pick up, swirled the sand around him like a fine mist. Daniel stopped, raised his hand to his eyes, shielding them.
This was feeling decidedly familiar. . . .
A white, incandescent light appeared in the midst of the whirlwind.
Daniel felt his heart start pounding harder. His eyes widened in awe. He had seen this twice before, but it never stopped being amazing.
". . .aaaannnnniiiellll. . . ."
He had heard that voice before, calling him before. Heard it on Abydos a year ago, heard it in his dreams every night for the past week. He swallowed the dryness in his mouth, and tried to focus on the center of the maelstrom. He thought he detected a face.
"Shifu?" His voice came out a near whisper.
The sand settled, but the light remained. Daniel saw a boy take form in the white. He looked older than when Daniel had last seen him, but the features were the same. The tiny smile identical.
"Hi," Daniel said softly, then winced inwardly at how inane that sounded, but he was uncertain what to do. For once at a complete loss for words.
"Hello, Daniel. You have chosen your new path?" Shifu regarded him calmly.
"I. . . I think so," Daniel shook his head, feeling suddenly, inexplicably lost. "I was. . . I wanted to go to Abydos, to find you. . . I think," Daniel said, tentatively.
Shifu smiled and nodded slightly. That smile reminded Daniel so much of Sha’re, it twisted his heart to look at it.
"But, it looks like you found me first," Daniel added, raising his eyebrows questioningly.
"I have been waiting for you. Abydos is only a place -- it is not what is in your heart, where your journey lies," Shifu said. "I watched you and called to you, but I did not come until you were ready."
"Ready?" Daniel’s exhausted mind tried to work around the boy’s words. "Ready for what? To leave my old life behind -- to choose my path? I’ve done that. After leaving them like that, after everything. . . I’m not sure if they’ll be able to forgive me. . . ." His voice faded and he felt another twinge of guilt twist inside him.
"They will forgive and they will understand, in time. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, Daniel," Shifu said.
"But it helps if you know where that journey begins," Daniel said, his thoughts whirling and uncertain again.
He thought Abydos was where he had to go, where he had to seek out Shifu. What was he to do now? If he wasn’t meant to go to Abydos, then where? Maybe he had only thought of Abydos because that was where he first met Shifu. Brought him into this universe.
Daniel’s face was the first face Shifu had set eyes on. Daniel’s finger the first thing Shifu’s tiny fist had held onto. The reasons why, in spite of how the boy had been conceived, Daniel always thought of Shifu as his.
As if reading his thoughts, Shifu said, "You were there at my birth, Daniel, so now I am here for your rebirth. You have fulfilled your previous journey. Now it is time to venture on your new one. Oma has watched you since you first met on Kheb. Oma watched and I watched with her. But now you are ready. It is time for you to learn. Oma teaches and she learns as she teaches."
"So I wasn’t dreaming when I saw you -- heard you at night?"
Shifu nodded. "You were dreaming, yet you were listening. Dreams teach."
"Yes, you told me that before. . . the last time." The dream, the warning of his potential darkness flashed in his mind. The vision of his own face staring coldly at the results of the destruction he had wrought. Daniel took in a sharp breath, frowned. "Dreams do teach," he said, his voice soft. "It took me a while to learn, though."
"Learning takes a lifetime. It is the willingness to learn that matters. It is the journey, not the destination that is important," Shifu told in him in that enigmatic way of saying all and saying nothing, leaving Daniel’s own mind to fill in the pieces of the puzzle.
"Right. . ." Daniel let out a soft laugh that sounded nervous to his own ears. "You know, talking to you is like learning a whole other language, Shifu."
The boy smiled that heartbreaking smile again. Extended his hand.
Daniel reached out, then paused, suddenly uncertain. He looked at the small hand, looked at Shifu’s face, a question poised on his lips.
"Would you like to continue to learn, and in turn, teach, Daniel?"
"Yes," Daniel answered. "Yes, I would." At the same time, he tried to grasp his mind around the magnitude of what the boy was offering. "I’m not going to become all. . ." He waved his hand in a fluttering gesture.
Shifu smiled again, "Perhaps in time. If you wish to, and when you are ready."
Daniel nodded. His heart was still racing, but he wasn’t afraid. He felt oddly exhilarated, instead.
"Are you ready to take that first step, Daniel?" Shifu kept his hand out and looked deeply into Daniel’s eyes, into his soul. The white surrounding Shifu rose and twirled in tendrils around his body, danced across his face.
Daniel locked his gaze with Shifu’s, felt his eyes widen at the brilliant display surrounding the boy. "Yes," he whispered, then grasped the proffered smaller hand in his.
Daniel looked down at their clasped hands. The light extended over Shifu’s arms, entwined their joined hands, trailed Daniel’s own arms, wove across his body and filled his vision.
Daniel tilted his head back, gazing skyward, and watched the tendrils swirl over his head. The stars and moon winked in and out as the energy twisted and turned, like ribbons flying in a breeze.
It was the most amazing, beautiful thing he had ever seen.
It was one thing to watch from the outside, but to be immersed in the energy, the essence of it, was indescribable. He felt his mouth widen in a wondrous smile, felt the energy envelop him, close around him like a protective blanket.
Jack, Sam and Teal’c had been his adopted family, had circled around him, sheltered him when he was in need, but he realized that it wasn’t the same as the embrace of your true family. And he knew, in his heart, that’s what Shifu was. He felt that commonality, that familiarity that is family. Shifu wasn’t his biological child, but it didn’t matter. He was Sha’re’s child, and that bond, that common tie, connected them as surely as blood and bone.
Enfolded in the floating, swirling field of Shifu's energy, Daniel felt that door he had been waiting for open. The energy pulled at him, gently coaxed him to follow. Showed him the way. He allowed himself to relax into its motion. To surrender willingly, happily, to its embrace.
He felt his feet move, he was either walking or rising, he wasn’t sure. His body felt intangible. But he took that first step. The first step on his new path, his new journey. Toward home.
~ Finis ~