***** Between Crossroads
Title: Between Crossroads
Author: Sazz
Summary: A bit of Daniel's introspection after the events of 'Menace."
Category: Epilogue, H/C, Drama
Spoilers: Menace
Season: Five
Rating: PG
Warnings: None, unless you hate epilogues ;-)
Disclaimer:The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property
of the author.
Author's note: I really had no intention of writing an epilogue to 'Menace' because I didn't think it needed one. Loved the episode, loved the dramatic ending. But then I got thinking at midnight a few nights ago, and well, you know how it is...
This is really a combination of my interpretation of the episode and speculation on the reasoning behind Daniel's gradual distancing from his teammates and the SGC, as well as a little foreshadowing of things to come. Thanks as always Jenni, for your uncanny ability to know what I really mean to say, and for helping to pull everything together so much more effectively than I ever could on my own.
*****
It was done. Reece was dead, the replicators shattered into thousands of pieces of metal Lego, the base was safe, and Daniel's arm hurt like hell.
Jack had left him alone in the gateroom. Alone with his thoughts, alone to contemplate yet another unexpected and inexplicably overwhelming turn of events. Jack knew him too well, anyway. Daniel always needed to be alone after a thwarted mission or a difference of opinion too immense to be resolved without introspection first.
And in truth, Daniel knew Jack didn't want to discuss the distasteful outcome. Not yet.
Even in the depths of his misery, Daniel had surprised himself with his tears, with his unexpected sorrow. Surprised Jack too, probably. Calling him a stupid son of a bitch had probably surprised him even more.
Daniel looked down at Reece's still face, her features blurred from the tears in his eyes that refused to stop. Tears he supposed had been suppressed for so long that this was the catalyst to bring them forth, leaving him helpless to fight them anymore.
He realized that he was tired. Not just physically, but from a weariness that had settled into his very soul, made his heart ache far worse than the throbbing in his arm.
How much did he have left to give to this life he had inadvertently created for himself? How much more could he put into what had started as a wild, exciting ride? But the ride wasn't as exciting anymore, and the rush that came from new experiences had long ago lost its appeal.
With each new mission, it was harder to step through the gate, harder to find the enthusiasm that had come so effortlessly. When he had first joined the SGC, it was not only in the hope of finding Sha're, but it was also in search of the past, in search of history. The thrill of exploring and discovering had been intoxicating.
But more and more, with each passing day, Daniel felt like he was making that history -- altering it in a way. A decidedly uncomfortable position for him. His life had always been about studying, observing and marveling over the wonders of the past, not making a place for himself in it. Opening the Stargate had been a monumental, unexpected accomplishment, but no one in the outside world knew that he had done it, and that was the way he wanted it to stay.
Daniel knew he barely resembled that long-haired, shabbily dressed, idealistic academic he had once been. He wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. His younger self would irritate the hell out of him now, if he stopped to think about it. And he didn't want to think about how far he'd traveled from those idealistic days, but he missed that enthusiasm, that hope he used to have. That sense of purpose and knowing he was doing something worthwhile, that he was learning, coming to understand his world's history that had so fascinated him since he was a young child.
But the new discoveries were now fewer and further between, the times when he had been called to play soldier taking precedent over the academic, over the observer. A position he hated and had to mentally retreat from. That made him feel like an imposter, no matter how honed his skills had become.
Daniel knew he had been pulling away from his teammates, and they from him. It was because of that same sense of displacement, that sense of no longer belonging.
Or did I ever belong with them? Daniel wondered. No, he knew he had, at least at one time. They had become a team, a family, but it had taken time for them to trust his abilities in the field, and it had happened, slowly, almost reluctantly. Now the pendulum was swinging backward, shifting back to the early days when he felt the outsider.
He didn't know when that shift had occurred. It had probably happened just as gradually, as things had a way of doing. Of unraveling under your feet while your thoughts and attentions were elsewhere. Of relationships changing in such subtle ways that they went unnoticed until you took a moment to wonder why you no longer stopped by their offices just to chat. And why they no longer came to yours.
He still thought of his team as family, but something indefinable had changed between all of them. Teal'c was Teal'c -- solid, dependable and consistent as time itself, but Daniel he had never really allowed himself to grow too attached to Teal'c, had he? Sam had at first seemed hurt by the slow, unconscious change in their friendship, then accepted it without a word. Daniel wondered if she missed him as much he missed her.
With Jack, well, that was a whole other story. Alternating between calmly throwing insults at each other, to a tense friendship based on surviving adversity, rather than commonality -- he and Jack would always be a mystery to each other.
"Look, I'm sorry, but that's the way it had to go down, and you know it."
Daniel had nodded at Jack's words, not in agreement, but in acknowledgement of the chasm reopening between them. In resignation of the futility in trying to breach it. What was the point in arguing the finer points anymore? Those hard to define but ever present grey areas.
The fact that in the moment he and Jack had looked at each other, they both realized the other's viewpoint. Saw the other side of the coin despite how wrong it felt. A few years ago, Daniel knew he would never have been able to look at that side, be able to see it for what it was. And it was the military way. A way of which he had been trying to force himself to work alongside. A way that was a betrayal to all he stood for.
Just as Daniel's way went against every grain of moral responsibility Jack felt, and based his life around.
True to form, Jack had seen a threat in Reece, and Daniel had seen a potential ally. Ignoring Jack's, and even Sam's misgivings, Daniel had found himself surprisingly growing attached to the childlike android, despite the fact that she had nearly thrown him through a wall, as Jack so readily reminded him.
Maybe Daniel had become fond of her because she had seemed so lost, scared.
Daniel shook his head slightly, irritated with himself. She was a robot, Daniel. A freaking machine. Nuts and bolts and alien technology. Not a child, not something you could protect. Or so he tried to convince himself.
In truth, Reese was something that had the potential to destroy the base, as well as something that had the potential to stop the Replicators for good -- if only Daniel had been able to make her see reason sooner. He had known that Jack, or someone like-minded, would come bursting in with guns blazing and he'd only have a little time to convince Reece.
In those frantic moments in the gateroom, Daniel had found himself at desperate crossroads yet again, caught between catastrophe and reason. Where his words were the only weapon of persuasion, the only means of stepping over the crossroad. The only way in allowing, hoping for reason to triumph.
Only this time, reason was too long in coming. Reason had lost out to gun power. If only he had been able to convince her sooner....
He felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder. He glanced up at Jack standing beside him. Daniel had been tuning out the noise in the corridor from the cleanup crews and hadn't even heard Jack come in.
"You all right?"
Daniel nodded at Jack's question. "Just thinking, I guess."
"You do way too much of that. Thinking, I mean."
"I'm trying to cut down," Daniel said, keeping his eyes averted from Jack's.
"Daniel, you tried your best with that robot." With a grimace passing his features, Jack sat down on the floor beside Daniel. "It was too unstable to reason with -- look at what it did to you, and it liked you."
"I was getting through to her," Daniel stubbornly insisted.
"I'm sorry, Daniel, but I couldn't take that chance," Jack told him. "You know that."
Daniel raised his head, glared at Jack in anger. "What I know is that you didn't even stop to think that maybe I was getting through to her? That maybe I could have talked her out of it."
"No, Daniel, I didn't, because I'm not trained to think, just to react."
Daniel shook his head slightly. He shouldn't have been surprised at those words, but yet he was. "Then who's the robot now, Jack?"
"Hey, that's enough!" Jack pointed a warning finger at him. "You've been at this for too long to know that more often than not, if you hesitate, you're dead."
"I've also been 'at this' long enough to know that sometimes there are other solutions. But you never trusted that, did you? No matter what I--" Daniel cut off his words abruptly. He didn't want to talk about this anymore.
"Daniel, we've had this conversation too many time before." Jack's voice held a barely disguised edge of impatience, frustration. Jack didn't want to talk about this any more than Daniel did, but he was determined to make his friend to see his reasoning. "I did what I had to do to ensure the safety of this base and this planet. I did what I had to do to save you."
"I know." Daniel nodded slowly, then met Jack's gaze again. "I know. But it doesn't make things right, does it?"
Jack remained silent. His eyes still held the tinge of regret and sympathy behind the 'soldier in charge' facade he firmly kept in place, but Daniel knew that Jack's regret came from hurting his friend, not from destroying Reece.
His and Jack's two worlds were never meant to meet and coincide. He knew that. It was a foregone conclusion right from the beginning -- Jack was military and Daniel was academia, and like oil and water, the two did not mix. But somewhere along the way, they had, on occasion, managed to blend their disparate opinions, gain insights into the other's mind, and perhaps lose hold of their own once immoveable tenets.
The one thing they did have in common was the strength and passion of their beliefs, and that blurring of the edges was a sensation that was both unexpected and frightening for both of them.
"No, I guess it doesn't," Jack finally answered, looking down for a moment. "Are you going to be all right?"
"I'm just tired, Jack," Daniel admitted in a near whisper to his friend, knowing in spite of all their differences, Jack would understand what he meant. He felt his eyes filling with the helpless tears again.
"I know, Danny." Jack gently grasped Daniel's shoulder. "It's gonna be okay."
"Will it?" Daniel said, his voice barely audible.
"How can I make this better? What can I do to fix this?"
"There isn't anything you can do."
Jack took in sharp breath, out of exasperation, or guilt -- Daniel wasn't sure. He wanted to say something to try to make things better. Wanted Jack to be able to fix everything, but neither of them could turn back time, could they?
Daniel dropped his head again, took a deep breath, cradled his injured arm against his chest. It throbbed in time with his heartbeat, flared with each breath he took.
Jack tilted his head, looking at Daniel's rapidly swelling and bruising hand. He figured the arm underneath the jacket looked twice as bad. "Come on, let's get you to the infirmary. Doc'll give you a nice shot of happy juice and you'll feel better in no time."
Daniel moved to get to his feet, and the world wavered for a moment, but Jack had a firm grasp on his good arm, steadying him, pulling him up.
Daniel slowly pulled his arm from Jack's, almost unconsciously stepped away from him. Jack looked surprised, a little hurt, even.
"We're okay though, aren't we?" Jack said, almost tentatively.
Daniel looked down at the damaged arm he held against his chest. He wished things would be as easy to fix as that broken bone would be. The bone would mend, knit together as if the break had never happened. Too bad it didn't work that way with your heart, your soul.
Keeping his head down, Daniel started walking, heading for the infirmary, dreading having to speak to anyone there. Having anyone fuss over him.
As he rounded the corner, he realized that Jack wasn't behind him anymore.
finis