Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
If everthing seem to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off the in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weaselse don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
If you car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Calls back the lovely April of her prime.
-Shakespeare
-Unknown
Sing for the deaf,
perform for the blind.
-Scott Brier
This is what America has been since the very beginning:
the sum of the imaginary landscapes of each individual American.
-Luigi Barzini
To save time, let's just assume
I know everything.
-My favorite T-shirt
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
