18 July 2005 [11:06]
Playlist: LimbeckOk. I'm done with need for space.
So last weekend, as in the weekend before Harry Potter, was absolutly random. So down past 118, and to the left of 28 there's this isolated house with a big open field. There were kegs & an awesome band ruined by some pathetic drunk girl. Unfortunatly, the party was not loaded with what I'd consider the greatest eye candies, but was filled with a shitload of drunk people, and that is always funny.
At some point, I had to use the portapotty. I forgot my ciggies were tucked in my pants, since I didn't have pockets or a purse, a nearly new pack definitely fell down the drain. What a buzz kill.
So besides the fact that I felt molested by a bunch of drunk guys, & probably because I was dared to scream "I love vagina" enough times for people to refer to me as Vagina girl, as well as refering me and Sveta to an orgy, or the fact that Beaks car got stuck in the mud that Jamie had to push the car unstuck, or the fact that everyone had the same pick up line (I recognize you from somewhere)... it was a great night. Sveta, Jamie, & I ended up crashing in Beaks basement drunk as fuck.
The following Sunday may have been the laziest, least productive, yet curiously interesting Sunday I've had in the longest time. However, our insides are probably still trying to recover from an all day egg eating feast. To counter our laziness of watching documentaries from Tribal Rituals of Witch Doctors to True Stories:I Want The Perfect Body and other random images from the idiot box, we finally defeated gravity and went to the gas station. Followed by a trip to Sugarload which was absoultely stunning, especially on this particular day considering I had seen sunlight for maybe a whole hour that day so far. I don't think I went home until 10pm.
So Borders is just how I imagined. I love most of the people I work with. It's chill. I love our play list this month. Jack Johnson, Iron & Wine, Coldplay. Whee!!!!! And confession, I'm strangely attracted to someone...
Okay another confession, I can't get over John. I've tried, but I can't. The thing is, I don't want to be all psycho like, but I don't want to make it seem like I don't want to even try. How do I find that border? How can I make it clear that I'm obviously stupid, and I'm probably waiting for something that isn't going to happen? Better yet, how did I allow myself to this predisposition? The slightest thing will set me off. Seeing the same model of his car in the same color or listening to songs I've listened to since forever, yet somehow now, it means something completely different just because the lyrics mention Ohio. And honeslty, this hurts and I hate it. And I should probably hate him, but I can't. Am I the one that screwed up? I did. I know I did. And I'm so caught up in all of this, that I can't accept whatever it is to accept and I'm sick of this. If it happens, then it will. If not, I will not force myself to do it. I do not cry for pity. I cry to release whatever it is I can't find the proper way to release. See, otherwise I'm ok.
Sometimes I wish I never told him I liked him like that. I wish that I could take it all back and start over. I wish that he were just a friend. Because it's the guys that see me as me. It my guyfriends that see my best potential and understand my lame concepts of life and all that acceptance kind of stuff. They see me hurt and see me cry and they know how resilent I am. They know that inspite of the fact that I'm callous, I'm only really apathetic to matters of crashing in love and relationships. Otherwise, I'm a decent humar being. I'm too free spirited that I have no limits sometimes, and I always push to see how far I can get before falling. And I don't know how to deal with relationships and boyfriend type guys because I'm only familiar with guys who I play bloody knuckles and fart with and watch porn with. I don't know how to be friends with a guy and actually know that there is something that could ignite love. I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. I freeze. I forget how to be bold. I don't know how to act because of some stupid preconcieved idea of stupid sexist shit. And it's frustrating.
I am a girl who sometimes forgets to sit with my legs crossed, because I never wear skirts anyways. I can burp on cue, and probably say your name if I've had enough carbonated drinks in me. I can eat in either large amounts and I am a frequent eater, but only one or the other depending on my moods. I don't like to drive fast, but I do like to drive far. I enjoy having someone to talk to and vent with. I like watching stupid movies like chick flicks because it makes me feel non apathetic. I like watching foreign films because it makes me feel cultured. Documentaries make me feel intellectual or humble, depending on the piece. Action films make me feel like having sex after. And I only really like witty and/or sarcastic comedies. Sometimes, I just get so lazy that I just don't bother to shave my legs. If I don't work I don't shower. I never dress to impress because I want someone to be impressed by me personally rather than me physically. I like sleeping outside. I enjoy phone calls, better yet, his phone calls. I just don't like phone conversations. I am bold when I like you, but once I have you, I get scared. I don't know what this is, but I can't stop to think about it.
I've written far to much tonight.
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karenina || save scrotie � 2005