THE INITIAL SHOCK

When You First Find Out

It is often a shock for parents to find out that their child is homosexual. Whether you are a mother or a father, whether you have a son or a daughter, whether you long suspected something of the kind, or were completely surprised, finding out for sure can be a shock.

The feelings that shake you are very strong and confusing. You may hardly be able to talk about it at first without tears and anger.

Every family is different and every case individual: one parent may find out by chance, another may be told face-to-face, a third may receive a phone call or a letter; the child may be a teenager or an adult, self-accepting or upset with what he or she is; parents may be ready to listen, or react by drawing back.

For all, however, there are some underlying concerns and questions:

COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Parents Usually Want to Know:

Q. Why did he or she have to tell us?

A. Many parents think that they would be happier if they didn't know. What you must realize, however, is that if you did not know, you would never really know your child. A large part of his or her life would be kept secret from you, and you would never really know the whole human being.

The fact that your son or daughter told you is a sign of his or her love and need for your support and understanding. After all, who should know if not you? No other minority is asked to hide from their own parents what makes them "different"!

Q. Why did he or she do this to us?

A. Many parents feel bitter resentment at the fact of their child's homosexuality. This feeling is based on the assumption that being homosexual is a matter of choice and that this was a conscious decision, perhaps even made to hurt them. In fact, homosexuals do not choose their sexual orientation. They simply are what they are: homosexuality is their true nature.

The only choice most lesbians and gays have is whether to be honest about who they are or hide it. Hiding it imposes a tremendous burden. It means living a lie, day in and day out. What parent would want a child to have to live that way?

Q. What did we do wrong?

A. Most parents feel guilt when they first find out. Psychology and psychiatry have told us for years that the way the child turns out is the parent's "fault." In fact, no parent has that much power over a child. Homosexuals are found in all types of families with all types of backgrounds.

No one knows as yet what "causes" any kind of sexuality, but it is widely accepted today that a child's sexual orientation is set at a very early age, if not at birth.

Q. Will he or she be lonely in his old age if he does not have a family of his own?

A. Maybe. But we must remember that this is very often true of all of us. Spouses die, marriages break up, children often live far away, and many young couples do not have children at all. Many of us have to adjust to loneliness when we are old. On the plus side, many lesbians and gay men develop long-lasting relationships, and the gay community is warmly supportive of its members. As it is becoming easier to "come out" -- that is, acknowledge their sexual orientation to themselves and others -- many homosexuals will have a chance to live as part of a community all their lives.

Q. Should we send our child to a psychiatrist to be "cured"?

A. It is now generally acknowledged by the psychiatric community that homosexuality is not, as was previously supposed, a disease which can be cured.

In December 1973 the American Psychiatric Association declared that homosexuality per se is not a mental disorder or a disease. The American Psychological Association has taken the official position that it would be unethical to try to change the sexual orientation of a homosexual.

However, many people who are homosexual are so imbued with the prejudices of our society that they cannot accept their sexual orientation as normal. In these cases it is often helpful to get psychiatric or psychological help for the purpose of self-acceptance. Care must be taken, however, to select a therapist who is not himself or herself imbued with those prejudices.

YOUR CONCERNS FOR YOURSELF

Questions About Family, Friends...

Q. Should we tell the family?

A. Parents who are still struggling with their own acceptance of their child's homosexuality often worry about other people finding out. How can they deal with the questions the family is continually asking: "Has he got a girl friend?" "When is she going to get married?"

Our advice in such situations is: first and foremost, you must not confide in anyone unless you have your child's consent. It is his or her life you are discussing, and he or she has a right to decide who should know and who shouldn't.

Second, you should not tell anybody unless you yourself have reached the point where you are not defensive about it. It takes time to learn to accept your child, and unless you can be positive, you will communicate your unhappiness or doubt to others. When you are ready, you might find it easier to discuss it with one person at a time.

Q. What will the neighbors say?

A. This is a very real concern, especially for families who live in small communities where their whole social lives are dependent on the good will of the people around them. The answer to this question is much the same as the one above.

When you are secure in your own feelings, and informed about the subject, then you can talk about your child's sexual orientation with others and help them understand that prejudice against homosexuality is based on ignorance and fear.

Is Homosexuality Unnatural?

Homosexuality is not unnatural since it exists in nature. It is just as natural for one person to be heterosexual as it is for another to be homosexual.

We don't know why people are homosexual, but we know that there always were, are, and will be homosexuals. It is estimated that 10% of the population in the United States and throughout the world is lesbian or gay; at least one member out of every four families.

For them, homosexuality is their true nature. To ask them to behave otherwise would be to ask them to behave unnaturally.

CONCERNS ABOUT AIDS

What We Know Now

We are all concerned about AIDS. Medical information about it is constantly changing as new discoveries are made. For reliable updates on the disease and its treatment call your State Health Department for Disease Control or local Gay Hotline which will give you local sources of information.

Not A Gay Disease

AIDS is not a "gay" disease. Lesbians, for example, are one of the safest groups in our society. It is a sexually transmitted disease which can also be spread by unsterilized needles. In Africa, the disease has attacked heterosexuals predominantly.

In the U.S., for reasons unknown, it spread first among male homosexuals. Recent studies have shown that it is now spreading among the heterosexual community as well. Infection through the use of unsterilized needles affects drug users in the U.S., and happens because of inadequate sterilization during medical care in Third World countries.

Acceptance Takes Time

Accepting your child's homosexuality and educating yourself on the subject takes time. Sons and daughters often expect their parents to understand immediately, but many cannot do this. Do not be impatient with yourself, however long it takes. If you really want to learn and understand, you will.