(happily stolen from Steels list...<g>)
Anger and BDSM
Part One - Dealing with your anger as a submissive
December 3, 2000
Copyright Screamer, All Rights Reserved

(Disclaimer:  A rare thing for me.  D/s is fluid, and different for everyone.
 This essay may not work in your personal relationship, and that's okay.
Parts of it may work, some may not.  That's okay too.  I can only write from
my own experience, which is always what I do.  ALWAYS, if you are in a
dangerous situation, one in which you feel you might be harmed, it's best to
remove yourself until such time as you again feel safe)

Regardless of the super-model version of the saintly submissive, we're all
human.  We experience all human emotions - joy, fear, sadness, and yes -
anger.

So, what, as a submissive, do you do with that anger, when called upon to
serve?

I guess this is really in two parts - anger not involving your dominant, and
anger *with* your dominant.

Now, for me, the first one is pretty easy.  If I'm angry at someone at work,
or I'm angry with my car, or the parking situation or the bank, I'm going to
handle it the same in a D/s relationship as I do anywhere else.  I'm going to
feel it, and try to resolve it.  Sometimes, the best way for me to resolve or
get past anger is to work myself up to crying.

In a D/s relationship, you have someone you can go to, and ask "Please make
me cry" and who probably won't turn your down <grin>.

I realize that this is not possible for everyone, in all situations, but it
sounds good, eh?

Let's take an example: a submissive has had a horrible day at work.  Arrives
home, heads for the kitchen to prepare the evening meal.  Nothing is going
right for her that day.  Not only was work bad, but her car is acting funny
and she's out of garlic.  The dominant arrives home, sits down, starts
reading his paper, while the submissive is banging pots and pans around and
cussing quietly under her breath.  The dominant strolls out to the kitchen to
find out why the submissive hasn't brought him his nightly beverage yet.  The
submissive looks up, from the middle of the kitchen floor, surrounded by pots
and lids and saran wrap and a nasty looking knife.

Does the submissive:
a) jump up, apologize profusely and fetch the beverage, setting aside her
anger to serve?
b) growl quietly and go back to playing with the shiny saran wrap
c) look at the knife, look at the dominant and smile
d) start crying, throw her hands in the air and mumble unintelligibly

Now, my guess is, in most situations, its A or D.  If you chose B or C, then
maybe some anger management classes are in order? <grin>.  Let's just deal
with A and D for now.

A. Jump up, apologize and fetch.  This is a case of setting aside your anger
to serve.  It's admirable, and it's probably the solution that most of us
find acceptable in this situation.  But how healthy is it, to not deal with
it?  I would go along with A, providing that the submissive asked for some
quality talk time later to communicate with her dominant that she had an
awful day, and would appreciate some patience while she works through the
issues.

D.  Start crying and mumbling.  This is what I usually FEEL like doing, when
confronted with this situation.  Anger usually makes me feel very 'put upon'
and having one more person ask me for one more thing is more than likely
going to push me right over the edge.  I have only once, in seven years,
taken anger out on a Dominant, and it was at his behest that I did so.
Usually, if it's not the dominant causing the anger, I rarely feel the need
to explode all over him.

So, having said all that, what's truly healthy?

Talking.  Communicating.  If you do not feel up to communicating in the
manner in which your relationship demands, then ask for a time out until you
*do* feel ready.  If your relationship does not allow for that, then take a
few deep, cleansing breaths and try to explain yourself without hysterics.
Chances are, your dominant will understand the bad day at work.  Maybe his
boss was a real bastard that day, too <grin>

D/s relationships should be built on honest communication and trust.  If you
can't trust your dominant enough to be able to share your anger and
frustration with him, maybe you're in the wrong relationship.  Above all,
always, make sure that your needs are well fed in all areas - including this
one.

Now let's look at the other side of this - when you're angry, and it's your
dominant that you're angry with.

First of all, it's okay.  Dominants, contrary to popular net-history, are not
perfect creatures.  They err, just like the rest of us do.  While we, as
submissives, would like to believe that they always have our wants and needs
forefront in their minds, like any good relationship, we must realize that
they are humans first, dominants second.

Again, this situation calls for honesty.  I don't think there's a Dominant in
the world who wants his submissive to sit, smiling up at him and say "No,
there's nothing wrong, Master" when there is.  Conversely, anger does *not*
give you the right to take on the dominant role in the relationship and start
berating your dominant for coming home five minutes late from work.  There's
a middle ground there.  And what's it called?  Anyone?  Anyone?

Communication.  There.  You knew I was going to say it again, didn't you?

Mentally and emotionally, from a submissive standpoint, I know that it's
difficult for a submissive to even *be* angry with her dominant, unless what
is causing the anger borders on "harm".  We want them to be godlike
creatures, capable of making all of our dreams come true, but in most cases,
they're just like any other person on the planet.  They do screw up.

They forget to call.  They forget our birthday.  They over-estimate your
weight.  They tell you that you looked better as a blonde.  They take on
another submissive and forget to tell you about it...

Whoops.  That's another issue, huh.

The anger from the first part of that paragraph is silly old human error.
There's nothing that can be done to prevent it, and these things will always
happen, no matter whom you're with.

And then there's the last thing.  This is the kind of anger that I'm really
referring to here.

How does one express this kind of anger to their Dominant, without appearing
to be topping from the bottom or leaving their submissive role entirely?
It's not easy.  Trust me, I speak from experience.  It's very easy to want to
point your finger and start with the "You, you, you" thing, but it's not the
right approach (submissive or vanilla!) and it won't solve anything.

In my experience, it's best to handle this kind of anger the way you'd handle
it if you were a married vanilla couple.  Take some time to gather your
thoughts.  If you can't do this, then at least try to remember that you have
a relationship with this person and if you have any hope of continuing the
relationship, remember that you *are* the submissive in the relationship.

Some things that could happen would make it so that you didn't *want* to
continue the relationship.  You *could* feel free to speak your mind - yell,
scream, cry, berate - but I'd still caution against that.

You submitted to this person of your own volition and your own free will.
You did that, obviously, because you trust them, care for them and respect
them.  Always try to keep that in the forefront of your mind while dealing
with a heated issue such as infidelity, or non-monogamy.   You may well
decide to end the relationship, if the issue is strong enough to you.  That
decision lies in your hands.  But make sure that you've got the big picture
in mind before you run.  And be sure that you allow the dominant the
opportunity to communicate to *you* why whatever-has-happened, has happened.
You may not know the whole story, and you owe it to yourself to get it.

I've heard of folks in D/s situations giving each other an "anger" card.
They each get one, and when a situation arises that they are too upset to
discuss at the time, they hand the other the card, and the other agrees to
wait for the anger to subside so that the communication can begin.  I think
this is a good tool for folks who might have trouble communicating in other
ways - kind of like a safeword for anger.

You have to talk for the anger to go away.  Set aside the D/s if you have to,
but talk about it like two adult human beings.  If you fear physical
retribution, it's best to vacate the premises until such time as you feel
it's safe to return.  If you fear emotional retribution, it may be best to
leave as well.  Anger has a tendency to turn into guilt at the hand of a
skilled manipulator.  Be aware of it, rather it's possible in your
relationship or not.

You should never be afraid to share your innermost, deepest feelings with
your Dominant.  These feelings are not always going to be gushing with joy
and causing sexual stirrings with each other.  Sometimes, they're down in the
gutter of human emotions.  Those need to come out, too.  Having the freedom
to express yourself sexually means you also have to take responsibility for
the rest of your emotions as well.

Be well, be happy, be talking!
Screamer, December 3, 2000

________________________________________________________________________

Message: 2
   Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 10:20:24 EST
   From: [email protected]
Subject: Part Two - A submissive dealing with a Dominant's Anger.

    also happily stolen from Steele..))
 

Anger and BDSM
Part Two - A submissive dealing with a Dominant's Anger.
December 3, 2000
Copyright Screamer, All Rights Reserved

(Disclaimer: D/s is fluid, and different for everyone.  This essay may not
work in your personal relationship, and that's okay.  Parts of it may work,
some may not.  That's okay too.  I can only write from my own experience,
which is always what I do.  ALWAYS, if you are in a dangerous situation, one
in which you feel you might be harmed, it's best to remove yourself until
such time as you again feel safe)

A couple of email threads recently spurred this whole "Anger" theme on for
me.  While I've always dealt (or, at least tried to deal) with my anger in a
D/s relationship the way I described in part one of this series, anger can
and does do some fairly serious mind-melting on us sometimes, and it's not
always possible.

The part of this thread that caught my eye was how a submissive deals with a
Dominant's anger. And how many of the submissives said that they offered
themselves up to be a "whipping post" when their Dominant was angry.

This caused a lot of controversy, as you might well imagine.

So I asked myself.  Would I be willing to say to my Dominant - "If you've had
a bad day, you can beat on me for awhile, and work your frustrations out?"

The answer was yes.  If the anger is not directed at me - meaning, if I'm not
what he's angry with.

I'm not a masochist.  There are some mild forms of pain that bring on a
sexual reaction for me, but for the most part, I'm not anywhere near being a
pain slut.  When I submit to painful scenes, it's because I want to -
emotionally and mentally - not physically.  It brings on a catharsis for me
of sorts - it also makes me feel *very* submissive, and I get an emotional
high from that.  But not from the pain.  From the mental mindset.

In staying with that mental mindset, it's a very short jump for me to say
"Yes, I'd offer myself up to be a whipping post so that my Dominant could
work off some of his frustrations."

For me, taking immense pain, as the result of my dominant being angry about a
bad day - is being of service to him, while also being responsible for
myself.  I trust him not to *harm* me.  If I didn't, I wouldn't BE there.

And for me - there's the condition that it's not *me* he's mad at.

I believe in correction.  If I've done something in such a way that my
dominant has expressed that he didn't like it done, I, of course, expect to
be corrected.  However, when anger is at the core of this, I don't think that
it's a good idea.  If the dominant *is* angry with the submissive, I suggest
a time out, followed with communication, and then correction later, perhaps -
when emotions aren't running quite so high.

It's not a very popular stance, but then again, I've never been in this to
win any popularity contests.

Is this *always* a good idea?  No.  I would expect folks to manage this on a
case by case basis, as they should manage everything in this realm.

Will every dominant want to use his submissive to work out his frustrations?
No.  And submissives - don't take that personally.  You've made the offer -
that's all that you can do.

~~I don't suggest trying to "inspire his wrath" further when he's already
angry, even if you *think* it's for his own good.~~

For some folks, plain old time outs, the "anger" cards I discussed in Part
One and communication are the best ways to work through such strong emotions.

All you can do is all you can do.  Anger usually passes best, when vented and
then left to dissipate.  Offer comfort and warmth, and your hide, if it's
appropriate <g>.  The best service you can provide is being yourself, and
giving your best.  Giving your best may mean setting the D/s aside until the
anger has passed.

Always - always - always - be each other's best friends, and keep talking!
Screamer, December 3, 2000
 

________________________________________________________________________

Message: 3
   Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 10:36:14 EST
   From: [email protected]
Subject: Part Two - A submissive dealing with a Dominant's Anger.

Anger and BDSM
Part Two - A submissive dealing with a Dominant's Anger.
December 3, 2000
Copyright Screamer, All Rights Reserved

(Disclaimer: D/s is fluid, and different for everyone.  This essay may not
work in your personal relationship, and that's okay.  Parts of it may work,
some may not.  That's okay too.  I can only write from my own experience,
which is always what I do.  ALWAYS, if you are in a dangerous situation, one
in which you feel you might be harmed, it's best to remove yourself until
such time as you again feel safe)

A couple of email threads recently spurred this whole "Anger" theme on for
me.  While I've always dealt (or, at least tried to deal) with my anger in a
D/s relationship the way I described in part one of this series, anger can
and does do some fairly serious mind-melting on us sometimes, and it's not
always possible.

The part of this thread that caught my eye was how a submissive deals with a
Dominant's anger. And how many of the submissives said that they offered
themselves up to be a "whipping post" when their Dominant was angry.

This caused a lot of controversy, as you might well imagine.

So I asked myself.  Would I be willing to say to my Dominant - "If you've had
a bad day, you can beat on me for awhile, and work your frustrations out?"

The answer was yes.  If the anger is not directed at me - meaning, if I'm not
what he's angry with.

I'm not a masochist.  There are some mild forms of pain that bring on a
sexual reaction for me, but for the most part, I'm not anywhere near being a
pain slut.  When I submit to painful scenes, it's because I want to -
emotionally and mentally - not physically.  It brings on a catharsis for me
of sorts - it also makes me feel *very* submissive, and I get an emotional
high from that.  But not from the pain.  From the mental mindset.

In staying with that mental mindset, it's a very short jump for me to say
"Yes, I'd offer myself up to be a whipping post so that my Dominant could
work off some of his frustrations."

For me, taking immense pain, as the result of my dominant being angry about a
bad day - is being of service to him, while also being responsible for
myself.  I trust him not to *harm* me.  If I didn't, I wouldn't BE there.

And for me - there's the condition that it's not *me* he's mad at.

I believe in correction.  If I've done something in such a way that my
dominant has expressed that he didn't like it done, I, of course, expect to
be corrected.  However, when anger is at the core of this, I don't think that
it's a good idea.  If the dominant *is* angry with the submissive, I suggest
a time out, followed with communication, and then correction later, perhaps -
when emotions aren't running quite so high.

It's not a very popular stance, but then again, I've never been in this to
win any popularity contests.

Is this *always* a good idea?  No.  I would expect folks to manage this on a
case by case basis, as they should manage everything in this realm.

Will every dominant want to use his submissive to work out his frustrations?
No.  And submissives - don't take that personally.  You've made the offer -
that's all that you can do.

~~I don't suggest trying to "inspire his wrath" further when he's already
angry, even if you *think* it's for his own good.~~

For some folks, plain old time outs, the "anger" cards I discussed in Part
One and communication are the best ways to work through such strong emotions.

All you can do is all you can do.  Anger usually passes best, when vented and
then left to dissipate.  Offer comfort and warmth, and your hide, if it's
appropriate <g>.  The best service you can provide is being yourself, and
giving your best.  Giving your best may mean setting the D/s aside until the
anger has passed.

Always - always - always - be each other's best friends, and keep talking!
Screamer, December 3, 2000