Message: 3
   Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2000 00:03:26 -0800 (PST)
   From: cecelia <[email protected]>
Subject: mira's essay
 

 Hello.

 I Got permission from the gentleman that posted this reply on another list, to
put this out for disscussion on other lists.  I asked Masters/owners to put an
essy of what they considered essential elements to consider before becoming an
owner, in response to mira's essay on being a slave.

Master Tank replied:
 

I will oblige your request, cecilia, by giving my outlook on an M/s relationship
from the Master perspective....

Let me begin by giving a little insight to a question that was posed to me once
by a dear friend who lives in a 24/7 D/s relationship, NOT M/s. she basically
asked if a Dominant is selfish, and is that the same as a selfish Dominant?  I
had to say yes to the former and no to the latter. In a D/s relationship I think
that there are less times that a Top will give in to "selfish" desires than an
M/s one, if for no other reason than the fact that, by classic definition, the
level of power is not as great, nor is the hiarchy as rigid as in M/s. I'll give
a simple example. Say in a D/s relationship, they negotiated that the subbie has
free reign to choose her own clothes, to include shopping and picking outfits for
outings. The same negotiation could take place in M/s as well. In D/s, however,
if the Top said, "no don't wear that" the subbie would probably be more prone to
disagree and perhaps, win that discussion, whereas in an M/s one, if the Master
has a whim to want her to wear a slutty outfit, even if she generally can choose her own
outfit, she will, quite simply, wear the slutty outfit. This shows that the Dom
is more selfish in the sense that his selfish request is more likely fulfilled in an M/s one than in a
D/s one.

Now, before I dig myself a hole here, let me say that that does NOT mean that a
Slave owner is selfish.  To the contrary, I believe that he (heretofore I will
use male gender for ease of typing) must be deeply in tune with the slave's needs
and wants, and must learn to read the slave simply because his level of control
is so much greater than in D/s.  But...he also knows that his requests are going to
be fulfilled, since his word is law. Why? Because she gave that control and they
both agreed to it.

Now...onto what I believe goes into being a Slave owner from my perspective.
When you are a Slave owner you must:

Know your own wants and needs, and define them explicitly to the slave

Define all protocols, rituals, and tasks that you wish to be fulfilled by the
slave

Define clearly what she is allowed to have, and how deep a level of power is
acceptable to both of you

Have a very thorough and elaborate negotiation process, and although some things
may be subject to renegotiation, it is clear that what is initially negotiated
should and must be followed, for as a Slave owner you are responsible for
enforcing the rules and ensuring that as a Master, the slave has no rights.
Being wishy washy in this regard (as in allowing constant renegotiations)
deludes the power hierarchy which is critical in establishing in an M/s role.

Be completely comfortable in your role as the Lord of the domain. Your
confidence in this role bleeds into the slave's role as slave, and puts her at
ease in knowing that you are capable of handling the entire relationship,
without fear of being vulnerable and left alone.

Know that communication is paramount to the foundation of the relationship. The
slave must be encouraged, and sometimes forced to convey her thoughts and fears
to you. You have to take charge and ensure that she grows comfortable in revealing
her thoughts, for you are now her rock, her touchstone, her world.

You must limit external dependencies on other relations the slave has, to what
is comfortable, for although friends and family are a great support group, she
must ALWAYS go to you first and foremost for EVERYTHING--positive and
negative--- since your life and livelihood is LITERALLY in your hands. Failing
to do this means she will lose some dependency towards you, and this will be
counterproductive in maintaining the heirarchy and power level required of an
M/s relationship. However, this does not mean to sever contacts of
friends/family. Isolation is never good, and doing so on the basis of flexing power
or worse, jealousy is not a good reason. Only limit contacts for the postive effect
of getting her comfortable in coming to you first and foremost with
problems/concerns/decisions. Cutting undesireable ties she is resistant to can
cause resentment, and underlying feelings that will eventually cause her to
undermine your authority.

Be just as open and honest in your own personal life, as well as family and
friends. Having a slave as your best friend, is, IMO, the most amazing best
friend in the world, for she will be more in tune with your feelings than most
other people, since the level of communication is deeper and flows more freely
than in other relationships.

You must be capable of molding your slave into what makes you happy, but in
that,  you must also be able to incorporate her wants and needs so that in
fulfilling your wants and needs she gets mutual pleasure. A slave lives to
serve, but also serves because it's pleasing to her. If she is only fulfilling
selfish requests, she will become resistant to rules/orders/wishes/desires and
the relationship will crumble.

You must always acknowledge good deeds as well as mishaps. Punish when the slave
has not met a goal or task, but also praise when she has gone "above and beyond"
as well. A slave revels in pleasing, and when she is told that she has pleased
you, she will continue to please with bells on.

Management and decision making is yours. Ensure that you only take on this role
if you can not only manage yourself, but others. If you have doubts on self
management, you will NEVER be able to manage a slave's life. Don't be something
you can't.

Total Power Exchange (TPE) is the most in depth M/s relationship, but it is not
the only one. If you feel comfortable giving the slave some levels of controls,
do so, for it will make you both happy. Just ensure that you properly manage
what you control, and always be willing to hear suggestions.

Never be afraid to take the "Master" hat off. There are times a Dom simply can't
be "on." When this happens, make the slave aware that you feel like being "off"
for a while. This will also allow her to have some "free" time. Free time is
great for both, and alleviates undue stress that can build up in a relationship.

Your wants and needs will mostly come first, but also pay attention to when the
slave simply cannot do something you ask. Be it health or mental status, if you
force the slave to do something simply for selfish gain, she will fail you, and
her guilt will punish her far more than a whip/cane/crop/switch will. If you
bring about scenarios that are doomed to failure, it hurts the relationship and
compromises your trust.

Always remember that although you have all the power, you only have it because
it was given to you. The relationship only exists because the slave wants it to.
Abuse the slave or the relationship, and you will find yourself master of an
empty home.
 

I could probably go on and on and on about this, but I don't want to start
rambling. I think I have put alot of things that have worked for me in my M/s
relationship with my wonderful slave. One thing I will say in closing, is that
she is my possession, I own her completely and totally. All that she is and all
that she has is mine to do with as I wish, but....in being my most precious gift
I have ever received I cherish it and her more than life itself. I make sure
that my "possession" is taken care of. A neglected possession soon becomes a
possession unused or ignored, and since this is actually a person, not a car, it
is a dangerous thing to do. So...unless you are willing and capable to accept
this amazing responsibility and gift, don't play around out of ignorance. It will get people
hurt....
 

Tank

**Note: These are the opinions of Master Tank, and in no way imply the views of
other Tops/Dom(me)s/Masters/Slave owners/Daddys, nor are they endorsed or
necessarily shared views of any SIG's.  These are My viewpoints on an M/s
relationship only.**  =o)