| Time: 10:30 So today was alright I mean I got to work late and and then I fucked up. Everyone knows I've been having a tough time so it wasn't a big deal. I'm getting my permit this week just 14 hours of driving shit and I get my licence then a car and with that freedom. I hate being dependent its so annoying. So two nights ago I drank and since then I've been throwing up everything and I don't know why it blows I'm already weird like if I get really weirded out I want to or do because its like a reaction but thats not often but I did tonight and then the past few days what if I get all messed up like that and It happens all the time. Thats super scary. I talked to him and hes kinda seeing someone I feel rejected (and damnit now the tears.)like I'm not anything. what if no one wants me or I don't want anyone. I don't mean now but when I'm ready. I've been wondering if all this means that all the feelings I've felt about him are void or they never were even real but I know they were and thats why it hurts. I have so many mixed emotions its hard to sort them out I have do it as they come along or what not For the most part I'm happy but then when I saw him or when we talk it just leaves me all confused the fact hes seeing someone so soon bothers me like I meant so much that he can meet someone the same day its over and still is kinda seeing them. were going to a show on thursday and I don't know how I feel about it but part of me is okay and the rest of me is just like can I handle this but I wont ask and he wont tell I need a hot shower at least I don't have to get up early *Leah |