March 10, 2004
A Modest List of Insecurities

I belong behind the scenes, behind a veil, but what right do I have to say where I belong? It is not my place to say anything. How dare I look in a mirror. How dare I have the nerve to try to improve my appearance when everyone knows it will be fruitless. How dare I have the nerve to buy underwear. Who said I have the right to put up this stupid website. Who said I deserve gifts. Who gives a fuck about a birthday anyway. How dare I tell everyone that I think gifts are pointless and make it quite clear I don't want any. How dare I hate you all for not getting me anything. How dare I start CRYING now. Who told me I could cry. I do not deserve dinner. I do not deserve a sticker on my tests. How dare I embrace Molly Awesome. Who said I was funny. How dare I think that I am funny. What right do I have to blow my nose. How dare I talk about my period with someone. What right do I have to be a girl. Who said I could reveal my crushes if it will never ever ever be reciprocated and it would make the recipient's life uncomfortable. How dare I make someone's life uncomfortable with such a burden. How dare I have the nerve to make plans for the summer, to spend my parents' money on acedemic and non-acedemic activities. How dare I think that these problems are important. Who said my problems were important enough to be treated by professionals. Who said my parents should have to pay for such petty concerns as those listed above. I have no reason to cry. I am not human. I am not anything. It's all been done and said before. How dare I think that in some way I am significant.

"Every teenager goes through this."

"You'll grow out of it."

"Take this pill and everything will be better; your problems are that simple to fix."

"Oh don't even talk, I have it so much worse."

If ever these were thought to be reassuring, you are horribly mistaken. Convincing, yes; after years of hearing these phrases, I can do nothing but believe them. So now I believe that everything I think and feel is insignificant. I AM UNHAPPY. I AM ALWAYS UNHAPPY OKAY. IS THAT OKAY. ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THAT I'M NOT ALONE NOW? THAT'S COOL. TELL ME THAT THERE ARE PLENTY WHO FEEL LIKE I DO. TELL ME I'M NOT ALONE. BECAUSE THAT STUFF TOTALLY MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.

I'm tired of this and I'm closing this down for however long because I hate. When I know what exactly it is that I hate, maybe I'll let you know. I'm not letting you in anymore.

- Molly{9:17 pm}