October 8, 2003
If You Could Hold Your Tongue Long Enough, You'd See That All I Am Is Love

Sometimes it seems there is no redeeming myself, because everyday I just sink further into what is an abyss of disappointment that ultimately controls my life. Today I was asked by the school psychologist how I was fairing.

"Alright," I said.

He smiled because he saw right through me. "Just alright?"

Normally this upsets me because yes, just alright. I'm not wonderful and I'm not terrible. But because he's a therapist I decided to hear him out.

"Do you feel like you've got life under control?" He paused and waited for me to shrug, as he knew I would. "Or is life controlling you, so to speak?"

At the time I said no, I think I've got it all under control. I realized tonight though that I don't have the reins. Perhaps I've just accepted that life and routine control me, so I don't have much inner conflict anymore.

It would be a lot easier to take control again were it not for this reputation I have for being a jerk. Okay, yeah. I used to hit people a lot. I don't think I've been doing it recently. (Though of course, if attacked, I'll bend your wrist awkwardly.) I'd like to convince you that I'm not mean but I know it will be in vain.

You wouldn't believe me anyway, would you? You don't believe me when I say I've never been a very mean or self-centered person. But really. I could be friendly if you allowed me to be without question. Don't raise your eyebrows at me when I tell you did a good job on something. Don't do that, it makes me cry. I'm not as greedy and selfish as you seem to think I am. And I know people think that. Today I was talking to my mom about CDs I want but can't get because I have no money. I was not implying that she should go get them for me. If anything, I was saying that I am willing to finally accept responsibility and get a job.

"What's the name of the CD?" she asked.

"Why?"

"Well I'm going that way anyway, I'll pick it up."

"No, I don't want you to buy it."

"Why not, it'll just be my money that buys it anyway. I'll just get it now."

"But I don't want you to pay for it. I'm just saying I've got to find a way to make money."

"Since when do you care about taking my money."

"I never like taking your money."

She laughed. "When did you decide that, this week?"

I wanted to tell her that around August I realized how much money I took from her and decided to stop borrowing. But she'd bring up some occurance from this past month in which I used her money--buying a school agenda, perhaps. But I knew she wouldn't believe me. No one does. I never have good intentions, do I? I'm self-centered, aren't I? Hey, for those of you who like to use to "molly awesome" thing against me--fuck you, it's called insecurity.

What the fuck, I wish I had a better attention span. I don't remember anything I've written, or what my original intention was. Everything makes more sense in my real diary.

I think I'll stop because no doubt this is very pathetic. Forget everything I said. I'll give in to being a jerk because there is no escaping my reputation.

- Molly{9:07 pm}

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