November 24, 2002
Cozy Haven

Ah. I've transformed my room into the cozy haven I've needed for a long time. While I don't have a picture of it just yet, I'm sure I will soon. Once I get the energy to take this floppy disk upstairs, save the picture to it, bring it back down, and upload it. In the meantime, I suppose I'll sleep.

I used to have a rather plain room. Twin sized bed/futon (alright, i really don't know if it's a futon, but i dont know how to describe it) with green blankets, a computer, and that's pretty much it. Today, I bought Christmas lights, which I wound about my bed and windows. Then I put curtains up. And it's so pretty and comforting.

Everyone should have a room like this. While some may not see it as their ideal refuge, everyone needs one. It's very consoling lying there beneath the electric blanket, with all the lights off except the Christmas lights. Because who doesn't love Christmas lights? Not the bothersome multicolored ones, just the white ones. (I got the idea from sweetfracture.net. I also have a giant tiger on my bed, who is my protection from the things in my closet. Don't even act like you don't get scared when you realize you left your closet half open and all the lights are off. It's at those times that I grab his paw and hide my face under my blanket.

I used to listen to music when I went to sleep because it would sort of lull me into slumber. I don't anymore, because it distracts me. My mind is too alert when I'm going to sleep. It takes complete stillness and silence for me to sleep, usually.

My heart grows fonder with the holidays approaching. Though I'll probably be disappointed on Thanksgiving, when my family decides they don't want to do Secret Santa this Christmas. But I can't wait to get the Christmas tree... even though I'll be disappointed when I am the only one decorating it. And I'll be disappointed when once again, the thought of no Santa settles in. And I'll be disappointed when I don't receive much. Because I'm greedy and I want material possessions and I'm admitting it. But I like the stereotyped Christmas. And I like pretending that maybe I'll experience one someday.

I guess I'll just pretend I'm happy. Even though I haven't been taking my medicine, but instead pocketing it, because I know my mom checks it every morning. I know she does, because she was asking if I'd been forgetting to take it. Saying "There were 3 last Friday... there's still 3 there..." So I stash it. I want my old life back. What am I doing? Christmas lights in my room? Curtains? This is bullshit, this isn't me. I want my life back.

- Molly{7:11 pm}

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