October 13, 2002
Missing

I want off this medicine.

I remember the doctor once asking me what made me happy, and I sat there for about 20 seconds, until I muttered, "I dunno." Such an empty life. I had nothing to live for that I felt passionate about. No one should have a life where every second is a dreaded one.

Well no one should live without anger once in a while, either. Certainly, it was great at first, because I could finally think clearly and smile and have real conversations. But now I feel like something has been taken away from me. And it has. The past few days have been filled with situations in which I should be ripping my hair out with anger. I know I should be mad, I really should. But I'm not. So I try to be. But I can't. The only connection I can make to this is those dreams where you want to run away, and you try, but some force is stopping you.

How horribly frusterating it is to know that you can't be mad anymore. That you can't react appropriately, even if my reactions weren't always appropriate. And I can't get mad at this either. I'm wondering if I should just throw away two pills every night, so I can be my old self again. But I don't know if that might make me sick. I need this prescription to be over with. It just sucks.

Who would have thought that I would be relieved to cut my wrists again. Why would I take it as a good sign when I'm carving words of hatred into my skin. And all the while, an oblivious friend asks if I'm sad. I said no, because I wasn't sad. I can't feel sad anymore. Even as I type, I'm not sad. I'm just frusterated. Overly frusterated, but not to the point where I'm mad. I can't be sad, I can't be mad, I can't feel anymore.

I need the balance of happy and mad. Instead, one has just been replaced by the other. As goes the rest of my life. Old bonds seem like their replacing me. New bonds I have made just don't seem worth it anymore, because I know eventually, I'll just be replaced by them too. It's just unfortunate I have to assume these things. I wish I wasn't missing out on life.

- Molly{10:39 pm}

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