October 1, 2002
The Effects Of Medicine

I guess I never mentioned this. But I am, finally, on a medicine to control my neurotic suicidal urges. It's called Zoloft, and it sucked. I would always be trembling, I would get dizzy, I couldn't focus my vision, and everyday I felt like I needed to puke.

But my God. The emotional changes. At first, I was very skeptical. I was the one who wanted to take it, but I wasn't sure how it was going to work or make me feel. The doctors explained what would be going on with my serotonin and nerve endings and such, but I still didn't believe it. I told everyone I was getting help. But somehow, in the corner of my mind, I was thinking that I could beat it... control it. Like I could make myself depressed on cue.

That didn't happen. After the first week of distress and sickness, I suddenly felt... good. I didn't wake up in a bad mood. It was incredible. You just simply don't feel mad anymore. I would normally be mad without any real reason, and now I don't have those episodes much. I haven't cut in nearly 2 weeks. Though, when I am mad, my old symptoms come back, and I kind of go nuts. In fact, I had to leave my English class one time because I was getting so angry with everyone. But since then, I've been fine.

It's making me realize more, too.

I pictured all of you as having these really good lives, as everyone does. You know, that person has the ideal lifestyle, they're so perfect. And I felt like I got the short end of the stick, ending up with some mental disorder. But ever since I've been able to focus on something other than how much everything just sucked, I can listen to people. I could listen to them anyway, but I never really took it all into perspective.

First, I'd like to make the point that I never really had many friends. More than some people, sure, but I really consider most of you aquaintances. There were only 3 people I could talk to. But since the end of this summer, things are just so much better. I'm meeting new people, I'm befriending new people, and it's so rewarding and comforting. I love these new friends. I want to hug them all and say, "Thank you for taking the time to listen to me cry."

I'm not a very compassionate person, but I love you all.

...No I'm not drunk, or high, or whatever. Seriously. I love you.

- Molly{9:24 pm}

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