August 6, 2002
Why Am I Back Here?

This shouldn't be happening. I can't sleep again. It's all just becoming too much to handle.

I tremble and shake constantly now. At any moment that I'm alone, I cry. I've given myself a scar down my right arm. I didn't mean to... but I was crying, I didn't know what I was doing. I have a little spot of blood at the top of my forehead from when I pulled out my hair Saturday. I could be mistaken for a fucked up drunk if this cup of water in my hand were a beer bottle.

I was just eating Cheerios. As soon as I put it in my mouth and it touched my back tooth, pain shot through my tooth, up to my jaw, and into my brain. And I crouched over, spilling the cereal all of myself, clutching my head. I dumped the rest of the cereal in the sink and searched the medicine cabinet for something to make it go away. I ran to the bathrooms hoping to find the tube of oral numbing gel. I could just put it on my tooth and gums and not be able to feel anything for 3 minutes. I figured I could keep reappling until the pain just went away. But it didn't work out. I never found it. I considered going into my parents' room and asking my mom where it was. I took one look at her door and crumbled. I slid down with my back against the wall and held my head, sobbing, gripping my jaw to somehow smother the shooting pain.

I felt it start to fade, and panicked. I ran downstairs and grabbed a cup of ice cold water, just holding it there in my mouth against the tooth, letting it hurt my brain. I'm like a masochist. I needed to hurt myself... with no real reason. I'm here now, tears once again pouring down my face, my shaking hands forcing a paper cup of cold Poland Spring water to my lips, my mouth barely being able to hold in any of the water. I want to rip the tooth out. I want to slip my disc back into place in my jaw. My cheek bones ache as they are now being affected by the incredible cold. My brain is splitting with an icy pain, which I suppose in all actuality is a primitive brain freeze. I guess you don't need to buy $4 slushies to experience one.

The half of my brain that is begging me to stop has won. After one ice cube, I'll stop it. I'll go to sleep. I'll get up for work at 9. It will be better tomorrow, though. They are now aware that I have a physical problem. They won't be so demanding. After all, they let me go home last time.

If anyone is willing to do some research, please look up some symptoms of insanity for me. I think I'm on the brink. That rhymed.

- Molly{1:23 am}

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