June 21, 2002
Haven't Done This For A While

It sucks to be afraid of the people you live with. It sucks when they make you cry because of the amount of power they have over you. It sucks that you can't do anything about it but run away.

So I ran away today. Or at least I took a very long walk. I considered running away, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew I would never last.

I put my Box Car Racer in my discman and walked down a few streets. I reached a bridge with this manmade waterfall type thing. It's a really pathetic thing, I don't know what it's for. I leaned against the edge of the rickety wooden, rotting railing, and wondered, 'What if this snapped?'

Elevator, a song about suicide, came on. As if the timing could have ever been worse. My mind was pulling back and forth. Should I jump, should I step back, should I see if the rail will break, should I go home, should I leave this song on because it's persuading me to jump, should I change it because I'm missing the real message.

I stepped back.

While I felt relieved that I didn't go through with it once again, I also felt ashamed. Ashamed that I thought of it, and ashamed that I was too afraid to take that deciding step.

It's been a while since I've ever tried to kill myself. It seemed pointless for a while, and suddenly all sorts of ideas are coming back. I overthink what my purpose is, whether I really have one - afterall, not everyone does. And when I realize that nothing fits together, that my life is a puzzle with a missing piece, I think of just throwing it all away again.

None of you read this anyway. And if you do, thanks for you know, supporting me with this. Because I love not hearing from people when I am on the edge. Figuratively and literally.

- Molly{9:46 pm}

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