April 30, 2002
Flip Out

Around 9:00, I had one of my rage outbursts. I threw my bag a few times, cursed at Katy to shut her fuckin' mouth, as she was on the phone singing, and punching my desk.

After I had hung up with her, it was over. My mom came home, and downstairs I told her how I had to hurry to get off the phone, because 'Heaven forbid Dad find me awake past 9.'

As I made myself a nighttime chocolate milk, I explained to her how my psychologist thought a more reasonable bedtime was 10 o'clock. Nine was ridiculous.

'I mean, I don't need 9 1/2 hours of sleep.'

'I need at least 8...' she said. 'Or else I'm grumpy.'

'I could have 2 hours, and I'll still be the same.'

'Yeah, well you don't live with yourself.'

I looked up at her. 'I function exactly the same on 2 hours or 10 hours,' I said defensively.

'To you it may seem you're fine, but maybe not to the rest of us. I've seen you after sleepovers.'

'Oh, well that's because I never like the people.' Which is true.

'Mmm, well, you're always tired and grumpy and you may not notice it..'

At this point, I had started to choke. My chocolate milk had gone down the wrong tube and I was choking and gagging and trying to breathe, and all the wh ile my mom continued about my lack of sleep. When I was well again, I immediately threw the cup in the sink and stared at her in disbelief. She was still rambling.

'What? Should I have stopped for you? Well, I've stopped. Please tell me when I can continue.'

I pushed past her and went upstairs, while she called up.

'I'm sorry, I didn't know I was supposed to stop.'

'I was choking,' I said.

'But you were still breathing, I didn't know I had to stop.'

'It would be the polite thing to do.'

'Well I'm very sorry if I offended you.'

'I can sense the sincerity in your voice,' I said, just as sarcastically as she did.

'I am sincere!'

'Agggh just shut up! I already flipped out like, 5 minutes ago, and I don't want to again -' My voice dropped to a mumble she couldn't hear '- because you're driving me to the edge where something bad will happen...'

I locked myself in the bathroom to brush my teeth, and the last thing I heard from her was, '10 o'clock is a good time.'

Why can't I handle situations like these? Why do I always end up going nuts over the most stupid things?

- Molly{9:12 pm}

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