As I sit here typing, with my snapped headphones on, (snapped because I sat on them); my chocolate bunny, sporting teeth marks rather than ears; and Jimmy Eat World blasting in my ears (crimson, and clover, over and over...), I tell myself, as I do several times a week, "You rely on music to live, you pathetic person."

Which is quite true. I absolutely rely on music. It's rather interesting how it works. I can be in the most irritable mood, and suddenly I hear my favorite song - still undecided - and be fine. Unexplainably. I don't feel the transition between the two, I just snap back into reality, that nothing is really wrong.

Also true. Most of the time when I'm angry, I'm not really. It could be my mind begging for music, or my dysthymic depression is kicking in once again. Whatever the case may be, I find myself craving music at all times. I'm usually not mad, just deprived of the one thing that counts.

I'm not sure when this urge came about. I suppose over the summer, when I found that I needed to stop watching Playhouse Disney, and mature to MTV. I didn't like the songs at all. Too much Jay-Z for me.

I was determined to find the music that defined me. I recalled the Sum 41 song my brother had played for me months earlier, and bought the CD. And that's when my punk came out, I think. I spent days on end listening to the CD over and over again, hating myself for not mastering the lyrics fast enough. (I did, in time. I could sing the entire album, beginning to end for you.)

I thought I was real cool after a few weeks. Kinda like, "Yeah, Blink, Sum and NFG all the way." But I began to realize my lack in underground music. My brother was going to Warped Tour, and my mom demanded that I printed out a list of the bands playing. I told her smartly, "You won't know any of them."

As I looked it over, I realized I didn't know them either. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes? Who the hell is that? And Ataris? Back when I still pronounced it "att-uh-riss". Auto Pilot Off was there too, I think... and I felt pretty stupid.

I gradually became aware of the different bands, through my brother and Katie. I began to rebel more. And I think I can safely say that music is my cause and solution to all of life's problems. (That's a Simpson's line. Except 'music' instead of 'alcohol'.)

I took all of the lyrics I heard as anthems. My attitude towards my parents became more mutinous, because that's what the songs told me. Thus, I became pissed off when they would scold me. How could I fix that? Why, music of course.

Not only did I listen to music, but I proclaimed the messages in my AIM profile. Currently there is a song by Goldfinger and Mest and Good Charlotte which I am overly fond of. (We don't know why, dun nuh nuh!...) Previously, I have had humorous lyrics, rebellious lyrics, suicidal lyrics... And of course, I receive the typical 'R u gonna kill urself?'

Just because my lyrics are suicidal doesn't mean I'm going to go through with anything. In fact, for you oblivious people who never seem to be gloomy, 'suicidal' songs don't encourage me. They make me erase the idea completely. Which is always good, am I right? It's better to be discouraged from suicide than to support it. Which is why Adam's Song is one that I rely on so desperately. If I don't listen to that at least once a day, I'll go nuts. It may make me seem depressed to you, but on the inside I'm pretty happy. Yet you always ask if I'm gonna kill myself... curious how that works.

I have graduated from MTV, and moved onto MTV2 and Much Music. No longer do I need your little dating gameshows and teenybopper videos. MTV2 provides nonstop videos all day. They have about 4 hours straight dedicated to rock videos. Yay.

I'm still listening to Jimmy Eat World, still gnawing away at a bunny, and still wearing these crazy headphones of mine. And I want to change the lyrics in my profile. The Cautioners is going in.

- Molly the Musician{8:56 pm}

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