February 17, 2002
Biblical Humor

If you recall from past entries, I kind of volenteered to read at Mass. Before you get on my back, look. I didn't think they'd see me raising my hand. I thought as long as it was up, I'd get God-credit. But they saw me. And today was my day.

There was some controversy about my shoes for a while, but that was done and over with quickly. On the ride to Church, Pat and dad were mocking me for a while, but I eventually got away from them when Father Bryan told me what I was doing.

In the order of two alter servers, me, then Father Bryan, we walked between the pews towards the alter. It all went downhill from there.

The space between the microphone and the edge on the little podium is very small. I stepped up after bowing to leave the book there, and found it difficult. Not anxious to stay up any longer than I already had, I tried to manuever the book into the spot without hitting the microphone. I failed. Boom.

I actually sat down when I wasn't supposed to. Everyone else was standing, so I pretended I was just fixing my shoe, and stood up.

As I got to my reading, it took me longer than necessary to open the book. I hit the microphone a few times, but my reading went all right. Or at least I thought so. It took me a while to close the book and make the paper stay on, and I felt everyone staring at me. I quickly returned to my seat.

There were many little kids up at the alter today. It was funny, because they were little brats. Father Bryan said, 'Choices are everywhere. You have to make choices for bagels. What kinds of bagels do you eat?'

'I eat raisin bagels!'

'I eat cinnamon-raisin!'

Raisin-boy sends Cinna-boy a look like, "Dude, I just said that."

Little girls keep talking out of turn, and boys look like they could die. They went away for a while, then came back. It was at the part where Father says, "Let us share the peace and Love that God has given us with your neighbors," or something like that. One little boy stopped in front of me. He was just staring at me, and I was staring back. He was one of the kids whose parents probably forced him to go up. It was obvious by his expression. He stuck his hand out and I shook it. Thank you little boy. Besides you and Father Bryan, no one else shook my hand. Thank you.

At the end, we were walking back towards the front doors. I was desperately trying not to smile. Pat and Dad were in the third to last row, and I knew it. I knew they were looking at me, I knew they were going to laugh, I knew I had to look up, but I couldn't! I'd be a dead man if I looked, I'd die --

I glanced. Pat was standing there, shaking with silent laughter. I burst out in laughter, and my dad turns away. He had bet Pat that I would look up laughing.

In the car, I share with them the behind the scenes on the alter. It's basically all the stories I just told you. When my dad comes back in from Dunkin' Donuts, Pat tells him this,

"If you die, and you get a choice between Heaven and Pie Heaven, choose Pie Heaven. It may be a trick; but if not, mmmm boy!"

So we're laughing because it's so random, and Dad says,

'Hey, I bet you can't remember the name of the bagel shop Father Bryan goes to.'

'Oh! Ahh... Wait, no I'll get it,' I say. 'It's uh...'

'Bagel Place.' Pat tries.

'Something A Bagel,' I say.

'Pfft, Something A Bagel, that's real specific,' Dad mocks.

'He only said Bagel Place! How is that closer than Something A Bagel?'

'So do you give up?'

'No Dad, we'd like it to remain a mystery,' I say sarcastically.

'Forever.'

Dad sighs. 'So I'm really the only person who remembers...'

'Well apparently that's the case. Why don't you share your wisdom, and tell us the name.'

'Life's A Bagel.'

I was so much closer than Bagel Boy in the back was. I knew the "something" began with an L. Should I have said "lomething" just to get a rise out of Dad?

So we're laughing because it's such a stupid name for a bagel, and I'm overreacting because I was closer to the name, when --

BOOM. Jesus Christ! I think to myself. That was a sneeze!

Dad sneezes again, AHHHHHHCHOOOO

'That was inCREDIBLE!' Pat says.

'Jese, what was that?'

'What? It was just a sneeze, calm down.'

'No no no, that was not just a sneeze,' Pat was saying, though we could hardly understand, he was laughing so hard.

'That was like, LOUD.'

We're laughing like, really hard, and just when I think my stomach can't take anymore --

'I sneezed like that on the golf course once, and Allen says, "Great, you can tell Warren he doesn't have to put the sprinklers on today."'

That's it. I'm dead. Allen insults my dad so much, and it's always hilarious. Pat is in the back laughing like we've never seen him laugh, Dad can hardly hold the wheel straight, and I'm banging my head against the window, as though it were a solution to insane laughter.

*sigh* That was a good car ride.

- Molly the Lector{5:28 pm}

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