I feel you inside of me and it is a sensation I cannot explain. With each little kick I feel, I dream of the child you will be, and fear of the mommy I will become. I am torn when I think of you. On one hand I can't wait for you to be born to shower you with my love and affection. On the other hand I fear for your birth, I want to keep you inside of me where no one can hurt you and I will always be able to protect you. I know that is not right, I know that you will be a strong human being and turn out better than I could have ever expected. I know that as you grow, you will fall and I will pick you up until you can get back up on your own. I will always be on your side throughout my life and I will never turn my back on you. I know that the day will come when you will take your turn at hating me, and i will try to be patient as your life changes, for mine will as well.
I can only hope and wish with everything inside of me that I am a mother you can be proud of, and that we can share the closeness that i have with my mom. I have learned some things from her that will help me and i will do my best, I Promise you that. I wish you came with a book of instructions to help me out, but they say day by day, being a mother comes naturally. I know that everyday you are here with me, I will be learning along side with you. I ask you to be patient with me as I learn to be the best mommy I can be.
You need to know its alright to cry. Crying is something that everyone once in a while just needs to do. It cleanses you and sometimes it eases some of the pain. It is also alright to fail, as long as you learned a lesson and you pick yourself up and try again you will never ever be a failure.
I want you to know that as a mother, I have great expectations for you. I think of the great things that you will be able to do because I am going to work SO hard to give you the oppprtunities to do so. I will let you follow your own heart and I will stand behind your decisions. I will never push you to do things that you dont want to do. I promise to be honest. Life out here is hard. there are good days and there are bad days and as you get older you see that the world is full of the same good and bad in people. I wish that I could protect you from any pain or fear that you may feel, but that is yet another learning process. No one ever said it would be easy, but it will be worth it. You just be the person you were raised to be and the person you feel in your heart you should be and that is all you can do.
Remember that when you have a heart with hatred, it takes up room you could be filling with love. I know that it is hard, not to hate, but let me tell you, it isnt for us. There are lots of lessons you will learn that will back this up, so I hope you can believe it. Even though sometimes it may be hard to do, you need to forgive. A person that cannot forgive is worse than a person needing forgivness. No one says you have to forgive and forget all in one, because that can be very difficult, but you do have to forgive.
Also, know that this world is a huge place and there are many opportunities out there for you. Don't let anything or anyone hold you back from going out there and spreading your wings. You also have to know that you can love and protect others as much as you can, but should always look out for number one and thats YOU.
I want you to be young and try not to grow up to fast. There is plenty of time in life for you to work and find a partner, and you will know when that time is. But take each day slowly. Enjoy life and have fun doing it. Each year, each day that passes you by, you wont be able to get that back....
Lastly, though there is so much more to say, I want you to know that there will never be a day when I will not be here for you. I want you to know that you can always come to me for anything, big or small. I will do my absolute best for you and try to never fail you. Even someday when I am no longer on this earth, I will always be there for you, If you keep me in your heart. I love you baby, and I always will. Nothing and I mean nothing, will ever change that. You are my angel baby. I love you Alista.
Love Always,
Mommy (Nov, 23rd 2002 )