This is just one of those silly conversations I hear going through my mind at three in the morning
"No, no, no, no, no, no, God, NO!"
"What's wrong Daniel?"
"Don't you HEAR it, Sam?"
"What?"
"That sound?"
"What sound?"
"Like....squealing! Oh no, they're at it again!"
"What are you talking about?"
"I forgot. You wouldn't know about it. They don't particularly write you since that Tok'ra incident."
"Right?"
"No, w-r-i-t-e."
"Who...writes what?"
"THEY write...those...people..."
"There, there, Daniel. They're fiends, female archfiends."
"Jack! Thank God! You heard them too?"
"Oh yeah!"
"C'mon, tell me more, Colonel. What is Daniel talking about?"
"There's......women out there who write stories with us in them."
"Stories? Like bedtime stories?"
"Funny, Carter. No they call it hurt-comfort."
"Sounds like a drink to me, sir."
"That's Southern Comfort, Major. Stick to the topic at hand."
"That's why they don't include her very often."
"I resent that, Daniel!...Now, what's this comfort story stuff?"
"Well, one of us gets hurt and the other comforts him."
"Yeah, usually you, you accident prone geek."
"Well, you're just jealous because I've got more writers than you do."
"Are not."
"Are too."
"Are not."
"Are too."
"Guys! Cut it out! So, these females...they write...like what?"
"Oh, anything their sick, perverted imaginations can come up with."
"Sounds kinda flattering to me."
"Oh no! I don't think so, Sam."
"Why not? I'd love to have someone write something about me."
"Trust me, no you wouldn't Major."
"Why not?"
"Well, for example, how about the one where I got stranded in the other reality and you were a drunk Jack?"
"Hey, I was drowning in my sorrow."
"That's what they all say!...And how about the one with those shadow suckers who drained our spirits. Hey Sam, you were in that one!"
"Yeah, she was one of the suckers....OOPS!"
"Or the one where you got batted around like a human catnip toy? Lord I loved, that line!"
"Only cause you weren't the toy!"
"So, they sound like really creative people."
"Oh yeah, real ingenious on how to hurt. Wanna see the scars?"
"So you're saying these writers put you in danger....okay, DANGER. Why?"
"For the....squealing."
"The what?"
"Squealing."
"As in ROTFS."
"Don't forget the drooling and the lusting part of it too, Jack."
"They're libidinous fiends, I tell ya. Fiends!"
"So let me get this straight, sir. There's women....and they write stories...about you guys?"
"That's the gist of it, Major."
"Well, I think you should be flattered, sir. You too, Daniel. I mean I've never heard of stories being written about the local newcasters."
"Can it Major! You don't know anything about this!"
"Yeah, Jack, tell her about the GBP."
"The what?"
"Gratuitous Button Popping. They got Daniel with a real bad case of it."
"You're just jealous, Jack. You know it's just because the military buttons are so difficult to pop off and besides all those medal you wear weighs down your shirts."
"Smart ass! Besides, I've a washboard belly and you don't."
"Noooo, I've just got a nicely sculpted chest I believe was the way she worded it."
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Did not."
"Did too, to infinity and beyond!"
"I'm still not getting this, sir. Women write stories and put you in danger."
"For cryin' out loud, D-A-N-G-E-R, Major, D-A-N-G-E-R!!!"
"Okay, okay, whatever. D-A-N-G-E-R and they do it just so they can squeal....sir?"
"You got it!"
"Do these women have a name?"
"Yeah, they're called fanfic writers."
"That's just the general term, Sam. They just write any kind of stories but we're concerned about a particular subspecies of the group."
"Who are....?"
"The hurt-comfort junkies."
"There, there, Daniel. Stop shuddering. It'll be okay. We've survived everything they've thrown at us....so far."
"But they're expanding!.....They're doing vids and artwork now too!"
"Lids?"
"Vids, Carter, videos!"
"They're gonna abuse us in those too. I don't wanna dance!"
"We'll survive, Daniel."
"And artwork. Oh no!...I'll end up striped nude and tied to a bed in some bawdy drawing!...I just know it!"
"Calm down Danny."
"Do they ever include me in any of this stuff?'
"Nope, Major. They erase you right outta the picture."
"Well, that's not fair!"
"Hey, go find your own sick fans! These are ours."
"Did you hear the latest, Jack?"
"What?"
"They're going to migrate north...someplace up in Michigan."
"To nest?"
"No...to lust! We're not going to survive it Jack. I just know when they get together, those atrocious minds are going to plan new ways to torture us!"
"Awww Danny, you gotta love em."
"Why?"
"Hey, as long as they have keyboards, we're never gonna be bored!"
"Jack, there are times I'd rather be bored!"
"Aw, c'mon Dannyboy! Where's your sense of adventure?"
"I don't have one anymore since....Jack?....Do you hear that???"
"Ahhhh, yeah....."
"We're in serious trouble now!"
"Why?"
"They're laughing!....Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, God noooooo!"
