"You know Jack, this was actually your fault." Daniel pointed out, having listened to the older man grumble for the last three miles. "You were the one complaining about being bored, otherwise SG-8 would be out here. I didn't hear Sam complaining about experimenting with that power source, SG-5 brought back from-" he hesitated catching his breath and concentrating on keeping his footing as they worked their way across the rock slide that seemed to block the trail for miles.

"Well the UAV also said the temperature on this planet was about seventy degrees, not a hundred and two." Jack sniped at the archaeologist. "And it sure as hell didn't show any mountain climbing!"

"It's not a hundred and two, sir." Carter corrected. "Maybe...ninety two."

"And we aren't mountain climbing, Jack! You know I have this thing about heights."

"Well we may not be on a mountain, but in case you haven't noticed, one wrong step and that's a hellava slide over those hard rocks."

"And thank you, Colonel Sunshine for pointing that out." Gripping a nearby boulder tightly, Daniel inhaled deeply to settle his suddenly queasy stomach, realizing how high they were, having automatically followed Jack's line of sight.

"Sorry." O'Neill was instantly contrite, seeing the color leach from the linguist's complexion.

"Do not worry, Daniel Jackson, I will not permit you to fall." Directly behind him the Jaffa gave the smaller man's shoulder a light reassuring pat, much as he'd seen O'Neill do on other occasions. "It is not much further."

Daniel just nodded suddenly to scared to speak and swallowing the lump in his throat, continued to follow Jack and Sam.

*****

Jack shook his head vigorously, sending drops of cold water in all directions before laying back on the grass next to the small pool of water.

"Okay kids, if the UAV data was right...and at this point I'm not betting on it, the town is still a half day's walk from here. Let's make camp. If we head out at 0400, we should make it before this heat gets too unbearable."

*****

"Hey Danny...."

Without looking up from his notebook, Daniel held out his cup as Jack lifted the coffee pot. With a slight shake of his head, the colonel refilled the cup, patiently waiting for the archaeologist to finish scribbling whatever thought was speeding through his brain at the moment.

"Daniel?"

"Oh...hey, Jack." Distractedly, Daniel glanced at the man as if only just now realizing he was there. "What's up?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Huh?"

"You pissed at me about something?" Jack blurted out bluntly, always one to get straight to the point.

Daniel looked around as if wondering if Jack was really talking to him. "Ummm....not that I'm aware of....Why?"

"Just wondering," Jack shrugged, "I haven't seen much of you in the past few-."

"Oh...It's that damn bottle SG-5 brought back from PJX4246." Daniel interrupted, his voice suddenly filling with frustration. "I haven't been able to make heads or tales of the inscription. The language seems to be rooted in Arabic but it's so-"

"Okay, okay," Jack waved a hand in the air, always amazed Daniel remembered the planet designation of every artifact or translation brought back through the gate. The archaeologist not only knew the planet designations, he also knew more addresses then anyone at the SGC. "I get the picture." The colonel grinned, knowing how Daniel was when it came to solving a puzzle. That explanation was fine for the past few days but the soldier had actually been asking about the past few weeks.

"We need to talk, Daniel." The grin faded as Jack settled himself next to the linguist. Normally Jack faced a problem head on, believing it was better to deal with it and get it out of the way, but for weeks now he'd been putting off the talk with Daniel. A talk he knew was more than past due.

"Uh oh...That sounds serious..." Daniel made a poor attempt at levity. "What did I do this time?"

"What I asked you to do." The colonel saw Daniel duck his head, a clear indication he knew what this was about and didn't want to discuss it. Unfortunately, for either of them, it wasn't a subject that could be delayed any longer. Jack had wanted to give his young friend time to deal with the problem in his own way, but the dark smudges under the crystalline blue eyes, the fact on the rare occasions when the archaeologist was seen in the mess hall, he was distractedly picking at the food before tossing most of the meal into the trash untouched. Each of them had noticed, Daniel seemed to go out of his way to avoid his teammates, proving his solution to the problem wasn't working.

"It's my night to cook and if we're heading out early I guess I should-"

"I guess you should keep your ass right where it is and listen to me!" The firm but demanding hand on Daniel's shoulder, said Jack wasn't going to be pushed away or put off any longer. "Daniel, you may not realize it but I do know how hard it was-"

"No you don't Jack!" Realizing he voice was strident, Daniel took several deep breaths and looked away chewing on his bottom lip. "You don't know....but it's over. I don't want to talk about it!"

"Tough shit Dannyboy...This has got to be dealt with and dealt with now."

Daniel averted his gaze, not looking Jack as he softly mumbled, "I am dealing with it."

"No you're not!" Jack pointed out. "Look at yourself! You haven't been sleeping, you've barely been eating....I know-"

The red rimmed blue eyes came up to stare at O'Neill and Daniel's tone was biting. "What the hell do you know?! I may not cope with things as well as the great Jack O'Neill but I do cope, in my own way. I gave the fuckin order and I've dealt with it." He jumped to his feet, no longer caring he'd drawn the attention of the others. "The fact you don't trust me after all this time is a little tougher to accept but I'm handling that too so just drop it!" Turning on his heel, he stalked off into the woods, leaving a stunned colonel staring at his retreating back.

"Sir?" Carter's concerned voice sounded at his shoulder and Jack turned white faced to look at the young woman.

"I-I don't know," Answering Carter's unasked question, O'Neill looked at Sam and Teal'c, shock and anger evident in his brown eyes, "but I'm sure as hell gonna find out!"

"Sir-" Ignoring Sam's call, Jack tossed his cup aside and headed after his youngest teammate.

*****

The colonel's search ended fifteen minutes later when he discovered Daniel sitting at the edge of an almost dry creekbed, his feet dangling inches above the small tickle of water, which wound its way along the rocks. Jack stood for several minutes staring at the slumped shoulders and bowed head of the archaeologist, who was intent on scratching a design in the dirt.

"Go away Jack," Daniel muttered, acknowledging the soldier's presence without bothering to turn around. "You don't need to worry about my getting lost. I haven't touched anything, or fallen over anything or been attacked by so much as a pissed off mosquito. I know where camp is and I'll be back in a little while. You won't even have to wait for dinner."

"You think that's why I came looking for you?" Jack didn't know what surprised him more, the words or the bitterness in Daniel's voice. "You're my friend Daniel...I'm worried about you." He automatically raised a finger before Daniel, taking lessons from the master, could make a sarcastic comeback, a waste of time since the young man had yet to look at him. "And I don't mean about you getting lost or being late making dinner for crying out loud!....That was quite a speech you made back there. Wanna explain it?"

"No."

"Well that was simple enough but I'm afraid that answer just won't do. I'm tired of watching you do damn near everything except crawl into a sewer to avoid us when we aren't on a mission." Daniel continued to concentrate on the dirt design as Jack lowered himself to the ground beside him, where he sat silent for several long moments but still gained no response from the younger man. "It doesn't get any easier Danny, whether it's the first time or the hundred and first, it will probably always be the hardest thing you ever have to do. If it isn't something is wrong."

Daniel finally turned to look at him, his expression puzzled. "What?"

"Giving an order you know will result in people's death. It's hard when it's soldiers, strangers....but it's hell when it involves friends...." Jack's voice trailed off the inherent sadness proof, he himself had had to perform that very duty.

Blinking rapidly, Daniel still wasn't able to stop the single tear that escaped, trailing down his cheek. Jack didn't need to tell him about making difficult decisions. Every time he closed his eyes, he heard himself telling Davis to fire, he saw the replicators swarm over Jack and Teal'c as they lost their footing when the torpedoes impacted with the sub. Every time he let his guard down for even a few moments, like a constantly looping video tape, the entire scene replayed over and over in his mind. He kept hearing Jack order him to tell them to fire the torpedoes. And too vividly heard the acceptance of death in his friend's voice as Jack beg him not to let the alien bugs eat him alive.

Daniel had hesitated as long as he dared, his mind frantically searching for a way to save his friends...his adopted family. In the end he had failed to find the elusive answer.

The anthropologist hadn't lied when he told the colonel he was dealing with it. Daniel had come to accept the fact he'd followed the only course available, just as Jack had done what was necessary when he acceded to Daniel's wishes and left him to die in the corridor of Klorel's ship. It had given the scholar an unwanted insight into Jack's world. As bad as the nightmares were, as horrible as the recollections of saying the word that without Thor's timely intervention would have condemned his friends to a watery grave, worse still was the memory of Jack telling Davis to give the order. That memory not only caused pain but anger as well.

"You think I don't know that, Jack? You think I'm some naive child who lives in a fantasy world? I got news for you, Colonel O'Neill, I'm not!! I've seen my fair share of death....and God forgive me....I've been the cause of more deaths than I want to think about but....I deal with it. In my own way and in my own time. I know what giving those orders do to you. I've seen it." He was unaware of the tears flowing freely down his face. "I see the change in you each time someone at the SGC doesn't come back from a mission. I see the hurt and grief, sometimes for people you don't even know. Like me, you deal with it....in your own way!"

Jack watched as Daniel pushed violently to his feet and began pacing the creek bank, searching for the words to express the emotions whirling like a dust devil inside him.

"I'm a member of SG-1, Colonel O'Neill, yet you, Sam and Teal'c were long gone, trapped on Thor's ship before anyone thought to tell me! My team was gone, in danger and no one, NO ONE bothered to let me know." Angry bitterness flooded his voice.

"For God sake's Daniel you'd just had major surgery!" Jack pointed out.

"Whoopy shit!....You keep saying you know but you don't!......You have no idea what it was like....sitting at the SGC knowing you'd gone and left me behind, like so much extra baggage! I'd been left behind!" Daniel didn't have to add the word 'again', Jack heard it loud and clear. "I had to sit there, knowing my friends were fighting for their lives and there was nothing I could do to help! Feeling like I was just in the way." Before he realized it or could stop it, the real reason behind his outrage was bursting from his lips. "I'm a member of this team Jack...I may only be along to translate and make nice with the natives. I know I get in the way alot and I'm sorry, I'm not much help in a battle but I'm a valid member of this team. I'll never be the good little soldier who jumps to follow orders without thinking or asking questions...but, then again neither are you. I think, however, in past missions, I've proved I can be trusted. I deserve to be trusted!"

"Of course you do! Daniel I trust you with my life!"

"You may think so but the truth is, if you did, you wouldn't have told Davis to give the order to blow the sub." When it came to the most important task he would ever ask of anyone, Daniel's best friend had turned away from the archaeologist. "Deep down you didn't trust me to...to do what had to be done...After everything we've been through I still wasn't good enough!" He turned away, his voice low as he added softly, "I guess I never will be!"

'Oh God!!!,' Jack groaned inwardly. Everything suddenly became crystal clear. The colonel often wished he could kick the collective asses of the people who had stomped this intelligent, gentle young man's self esteem into ashes. Now in a misguided attempt to protect his friend, he had become one of those cruel, heartless people.

He knew all too well Daniel was no longer the geeky scientist, tripping over his own feet, who had joined Jack's team on that long ago first mission to Abydos. The scholar had always been confident of his academic skills but in the years spent with SG-1, Jack had watched with pride as his friend's confidence in himself, his instincts and his value not only as a team member, but as a person had risen. Now it seemed O'Neill, himself may have cracked, if not destroyed, that fragile confidence the young man had finally found.

Well, Jack realized abstractedly, this explained so much. How could two people both be so wrong? O'Neill had assumed Daniel was responding to the stress of everything that had happened in that lousy two week period. The surgery, the replicators attack on Thor's ship, not knowing if his friends had survived then climaxing with the passive young man having to make the decision that would mean the loss of two more people he cared about. The colonel had never suspected the underlying problem. Somehow Daniel had come to the conclusion Jack didn't trust him and knowing how the young man's brain worked, he probably reasoned if their team leader didn't trust him, it wouldn't be possible for Sam or Teal'c to fully place their trust in him either.

How was it, their relationship had gotten so far off track? Daniel had always come to Jack with his problems, his good news, his sadness, his happiness. In the young scholar, the soldier had found a friend who accepted and trusted him unconditionally. Someone who didn't ask him to be anyone other than who he was. The archaeologist had seen the human side of the soldier when Jack was no longer sure there was a human side to himself. He had literally and figuratively saved Jack's life.

Now as his friend and teammate, it was Daniel who kept the colonel grounded. Helped him see things from other than a military standpoint, making him look at not only the immediate but long range consequences of his actions.

Why was it Daniel could see the goodness in others. He seemed to always make others see the value of their life, their importance to others yet was never able to believe his own worth. His own importance. Jack didn't think Daniel ever doubted his importance in starting the Stargate program. That was a given. After all, without the him, it may have taken years before they were able to translate the symbols, if they could at all. However, the man couldn't seem to comprehend his importance to his friends, not because of his vast knowledge but simply because of who he was....a gentle, kind, loving, accepting friend. It was as if he couldn't let himself fully believe anyone would or could want him around just for himself. Maybe, whether Daniel himself realized it or not, that was the reason he'd so quickly decided to remain on Abydos. The people didn't see him as a geek, or a God but simply as a person. They saw and openly accepted the Daniel Jackson, everyone else was to discover later.

Jack brought his thoughts back to the present and focused on the young man. "Is it my turn now?"

"Look Jack....I'm sorry....I-I know I sound like a spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum. Forget what I said...it doesn't matter...It's alright...I'm okay...I just....nevermind...." Shaking his head in confusion and frustration, the scientist back pedaled and turning started once again to walk away from his friend, unwilling to burden him further.

"Oh no you don't!" Rolling to his feet, Jack quickly crossed the space between them.

Daniel cringed as gripping the archaeologist's arms a little harder than he intended, Jack forced the younger man to face him, almost averting his own gaze when he saw the shame, the hurt and anger burning in the blue eyes. He realized Daniel had kept this buried inside, letting it eat away at him, probably not even understanding it was tearing him apart, slowly eroding the foundation of their working relationship and much more importantly their friendship.

"No more running Daniel. No more hiding. It stops here and now! It's time to get a few....a lot of things straight!" Leading the linguist to a nearby log he forced him to sit. "Danny, have I ever lied to you about anything important?.....Well, except for that crap with the Tollen?"

Embarrassed by his outburst, Daniel scrubbed at his tears, shaking his head slightly, refusing to meet Jack's gaze.

"Then listen up buddy because you're about to hear a whole lotta truth." Assuming the posture of a drill sergeant, Jack paced before the anthropologist, his hands locked behind his back. "First and formost, you are most definitely a member of this team! A very valued member I might add and you're sadly mistaken if you think it's only as a translator and peacemaker. You are so much more and we all know it! Damnit Daniel, we're not even a team without you!" The colonel wasn't sure how to explain to the scientist just how important he truly was so he wasn't even going to try. Maybe later. "I don't know where the hell you got the idea you're no good in a battle because you have pulled our asses out of the fire more times than I can count. Hell on Klorel's ship you took out three Jaffa on your own! Not to mention getting yourself home, no thanks to me!" He paused for a moment in his pacing. "Would you like for me to recount a few more times which rapidly come to mind?"

Again Daniel shook his head, his eyes still on the ground. He knew Jack felt as guilty about leaving him behind as he, himself felt having to give the order to fire the torpedoes. He hoped somehow, over time, Jack would let go of that haunting memory.

"Secondly, if I wanted a good little soldier who followed orders without questioning anything, I could just go to the files and pick somebody. I need you. I want you. Someone who looks at things differently than everyone else. Someone who argues and lets me know when I'm wrong....let me rephrase that because we both know I'm rarely wrong..." Jack was pleased to see the flash of dimple, indicating he'd at least gotten a small smile. "I need someone who will tell me when they think I'm wrong. Someone who will continue to argue until I have to say plain and clear shut up and then will accept my apology. I promise you, as long as you're healthy and it's not an absolute necessity, you will never be left behind on a mission. As for sitting around in the way. From what Hammond says, it was you who figured out why the gate disappeared. According to him and if you tell him I repeated this, I will have to kill you, they were all too stunned and frazzled to understand the implications. Without you there, we might never have gotten home or at least been stuck alot longer than we were. Also in case you've forgotten, it was you who figured out the difference in the replicators. It was you who pointed out no matter what, unless we destroyed the mother we'd never get rid of all those nasty critters."

His curiousity momentarily outweighing his embarrassment, Daniel glanced up as the pacing stopped, surprised to see the soldier stooped directly in front of him.

"Daniel....I didn't tell Davis to give the order because I didn't trust you to do it....I told him to give the order because I knew what it would do to you! Davis is military Daniel...That was his duty not yours." He met Daniel's liquid blue gaze steadily, through a watery haze of his own. "I've always been prepared to die in defense of my country...or Earth....but unlike a few years ago, thanks to a certain long haired archaeologist...I no longer want to die.....You are the most compassionate person I have ever had the honor to know. I-I knew how giving an order like would affect you.....and I couldn't stand the thought of you feeling guilty for the rest of your life because of me. Because you'd done what I'd asked. That would be a hellava legacy to leave your best friend don't ya think? Maybe it selfish but that isn't the last thing I wanted you to remember about me."

Jack remembered that moment just before he'd told Davis to give the order. The camera attached to his helmet hadn't been two way but in his mind he could see Daniel's face as clearly as if he were standing in front of the Eygptologist. He could vividly picture the fear, the pain and the confusion in the expressive blue eyes. He could see Daniel's thoughts racing faster than the Indy 500 pole sitter searching for a way to safe his friends and he could clearly see the utter self disgust when the scientist failed. With everything, his friend had suffered in his young life, the mulitple Phd had somehow managed to hold onto the luminous wonder and joy he found in life. Jack didn't want to be responsible for extinguishing the last flame of innocence burning brightly in that beautiful soul.

"Fat lotta good it did huh?" The colonel snickered bitterly for Davis had still pushed the decision to fire off on Daniel. "I should have court martialed that Pentagon pansy!"

"Jaaack!"

"Just kidding Daniel," O'Neill grinned. "You know I guess Davis is alright for a...a good little soldier." Cupping Daniel's quivering chin in his hand, the colonel gently forced the younger man to look at him. His action brought back a momentary memory of doing the same thing with Charlie when his son was upset. "Danny, if you never believe another thing I tell you, believe this.....I trust you with every fiber of my being. So does Carter and Teal'c! You may not be military my friend but there is no one I would rather have watch my back than my favorite civilian."

They sat in silence for several moments each lost in their own thoughts, each getting their emotions under control.

Very softly, Daniel's voice brooked the silence between them. "I'm sorry Jack."

"For what?"

The scientist shrugged slender shoulders. "For doubting you. For thinking..."

"Damnit Daniel, how can someone so smart be so stupid!!!" Grinning, the colonel ruffled the scientist's short hair, rushing on before the smaller man took offense at the remark. "When are you going to get it through that hard head of yours...you don't have to apologize for being human. Human beings have doubts...about situations, about other people...about themselves....that's what makes them human! You ever seen a self effacing Goa'uld?" He let that sink in. "Now I don't know about you, but this human being is getting hungry."

The scholar hesitated a moment, then accepted the firm grip and let Jack pull him to his feet. "And it's this human being's turn to cook." Daniel returned the grin.

Together, a new contentment settling over them both they headed back to the camp. "You thought about letting your hair grow out again?" Jack remarked offhandly.

*****

They sat around the campfire, Daniel, a grin on his handsome face, flushing several shades of red, Sam laughing hysterically and even Teal'c seemed amused as they listened to Jack's hilarious account of Daniel being dragged across the Abydonian sand dunes by the native version of a lovesick camel. It was relaxed and comfortable, just the way it had always been between the four friends.

*****