Roy Orbison was a Sasquatch!

5/13/2002: By the Secretary General

Roy Orbison was the greatest singer and composer to ever walk the earth, as we all are very well aware. A man with a great voice, who was lethal on guitar and bass, and one of the biggest pimps to ever visit Houston Texas, he was an enigma. Great men like Orbison don't come around often and we need to take a critical look at just what Roy Orbison was: A Sasquatch or Human?

According to the Sasquatch Militia Historical Society, Orbison Departement(SMHSOD), Orbison was born into a family of Yeti in Tibet circa 1930 A.D. He was a quick and agile stomptrooper in the local Sasquatch Militia regiment, and quickly ascended to the rank of second Lieutenant. He also had an unusually human sounding voice, which was enhanced by his already symphonic Sasquatch voice. This made Roy a rarity, his great Sasquatch voice coupled with human squekyness and weakness, made Roy an almost irresistable musical threat. Roy achieved cult status among his fellow soldiers and was touring local Tibetan towns by 1946.

Roy was unleashing hit after hit to receptive audencies, both Sasquatch and Humans. Hominoids from all walks of life enjoyed Roy's showmanship and musical talent. Roy was beggining to bridge the gap between Yeti and Humans in Tibet, but powerful forces wouldn't allow that.

The communist Chinese, seeing Sasquatch-human unity in Tibet, and viewing it as a threat, quickly invaded this peaceful mountain paradise, and Roy was forced to flee the Country! The Dalai Lama and Roy Orbison sought asylum in India.

But Roy quickly realized that India was no place for a Sasquatch to luanch musical career, and moved to the United States in 1960. There he began to record his songs and releasing them. Such classics as: Dead humans, I'm a Sasquatch, Pretty Women, and Running Scared were then released to the general public and were consumed rapidly, even by the non-sasquatch Majority, who were convinced Roy was human.

But on his deathbed in 1988 Roy revealed his true identity - A sasquatch of Yeti stock, from Tibet. He admitted the truth about being a Sasquatch and proudly recanted all loyalty to humans, and instead put his full loyalty in the Sasquatch Militia.

Roy's body mysteriously disappeared from his casket shortly after he was pronounced dead. It is rumored that he faked his death, and rejoined the Sasquatch Militia using the incognito name of "Chett Lovejoy" though this may be purely speculation, Chett does have an incredible singing voice, and is a leader in uniting Sasquatch and Humans in common goals. But the 10th Grade Regional Commander is adament that he isn't Roy Orbison, and says "You guys are silly, If I was Roy Orbison wouldn't I be a little taller and have more hair".

But Chett continues to perform concerts every Sunday in Tibet, and pledges to "kill the scumbag communists". We doubt this is mere coincidence, and we believe that Chett is indeed Roy Orbison.

Today we know that Roy Orbison is a Sasquatch and that he continues to live among us, using the clever name of "Chett Lovejoy". We honor Roy Orbison today, as all members of the Sasquatch Militia are proud of his accomplishments in getting Sasquatch and Humans to bond and work together to solve the problem of poor music in today's pop culture.