Sasquatch Militia Releases Travel Alert!
July 9th 2002
The Sasquatch Militia would like to warn its faithful constituency and also those unfaithful eurocrats who bombard us with intolerance on a daily basis, as well as those intolerant sasophobes who occupy all 100 seats of the US senate, of the following travel warning -
DON'T FLY OSAMA AIR LINES!
They may have exceptional bargains for large families and you may qualify for the infidel discount, but we must warn you, don't fly OSAMA AIR LINES! This is a ploy by the anti-tolerance wing of al-qaeda to scam you into funding their intolerant escapade. Not to mention the pilots only know how to take off and navigate the airplane, but they lack the important ability to land the plane! Therefore we must warn you not to fly this airline, even though they offer great bargains like "Free trip to Judgement" and "CRASH course to meeting your Maker".
The Sasquatch Militia always provides a better alternative, and this case is no exception! We would like to invite you to fly the safest way possible, and that is why for a limited time only we have decided to commercialize our Air Force! For a limited time only, be one of the few, the proud, and the economical, to fly on one of our delux hot air ballons or supersonic kites! That's right, all you have to do is meet the following easy requirments!
Must be under 63 grams of weight and be motionless the entire trip, usually around 7 years for a trans-oceanic flight or only 4 months for a state to state trip!
Must bring own food. 3 gram maximum please.
Must sign insurance waiver, so if (when) you crash, we are not held responsible. But you may still have to pay for us to by a new ballon or kite usually this is several million dollars.
Cannot bring any luggage, over 14 grams. Or else you'll have a hard time getting airbourne.
Cannot bring any sharp objects that might pop our delicate, yet dependable, ballons.
If flying on one of our supersonic kites - You must provide String, and it must be long enough to reach your destination.
If you meet these simple requirements, then e-mail us at [email protected] and receive a free travel guide with great destinations like Saint Pascals, Harding, and Conway Park!