Fans of Absolutely mob local store!

July 28th 2002!

The newest craze to engulf the youth of the nation is not the new Austin Powers movie, nor is it a desire to persecute and malign Sasquatches, it is Absolutely! Absolutely, which sold out at many locations throughout North America, South America, and Western Civilization, has created a sub-culture of fans and drinkers. Evidence of this can be seen throughout the world and many analysts are beginning to denote Absolutely as a vile drug and worthy of illegalization. Consdider the following:

Daytona Florida - 7 bottles of Absolutely stolen from local store after the same man spent 70$ on Absolutely earlier in the day. "I didn't have any money left, and I needed my Absolutely, So I jacked his $%^&" said the man, who is being held in a maximum security prison near Halifax Nova Scotia. Why he is in Nova Scotia and not in Daytona Florida, remains a mystery of Sherlock Holms proportions.

Halifax Nova Scotia - Deranged psychopath escapes from Maximum security prison and begins robbing convenient stores along the eastern sea board. He has managed to hijack at least 27 tons of liquid Absolutely.

Saint Paul Minnesota - Local members of a cult known as the "Worshippers of the Absolute(ly)" mob Jimmy's Food Market, and steal an undetermined amount of Absolutely. Jimmy was unavailable for comment, because he needed to order more Absolutely for the store.

Concerned Parents throughout America are beginning to call Absolutely a drug and demanding that the government take proper preventitive measures to ensure children are not adversly affected by Absolutely. The beverage's creator, a group known as the Sasquatch Militia, has called the drink "Nothing more than a harmless concoction created to appeal to the desires of the Tolerant people of the World."

President (de facto) George Bush of the occupying federalist forces of the American Empire, has ordered the Army and other occupying forces on High Alert, because of a perceived threat of mass histeria, should Absolutely become unavailable to the consumers of the occupying federalist forces of the United States of America.