Squirrel Attacks, Are you immune? A true story about squirrels!

August 13th 2002!

You may see them on walks through the woods, on a stroll down the block, or in a tree watching you. You see them, and they see you. You say "How cute, we should respect them and feed them. God their cute." But they look at you and think "What a tasty piece of meat, I could live the entire winter off of her." The Squirrel quickly devises a plan to capture and murder you, he needs you for food, his situation is precarious. You continue to stare, looking in awe, thinking the squirrel is a wonder of nature. You begin to walk home, your tired, barely awake, you've been walking pointlessly through the woods. Your not fat, but you think you are, so you walk like a madman, 7 miles a day, and your completely exhausted. You wouldn't have the strength to defend yourself against an animal attack, you say a bear, a wolf ,a Star Fish, 'theirs none of those around here.' But you overlook perhaps the biggest threat, Squirrels! The Squirrel knows you, inside and our, he's seen you walking these woods before, he's been lurking, stalking, awaiting the right moment for an Ambush. That moment is now!

He emerges out of the shadows, he quickly clasps your back and crawls upwards! He's headed for your neck. Your unprepared and too tired to fight this surreptitious attack, you never would have thought, a squirrel? He's now at your neck, a swip of his giant, vicious claws, and he's removed the outer layer of your epidermis. Your bleeding profusely from the neck, and in excruciating pain. Your down to your last couple quarts of blood, soon you will capitulate and collapse. The squirrel continues to delve into your neck, scratching your arteries and crawling down an opening he's carved delicately into your neck, displacing the skin which ones ruled that area of your body. He's now completely inside you, all you can see out of your one good eye (he's already gouged out the other and began eating it, until it fell from his voracious clutches and splattered all over the ground.) is his cute little tail. You once thought it was the cuttest part, but you could care less, the squirrel has been eating your heart out for the last 20 seconds. You are no longer feeling pain, but your still alive, you can see the squirrel tearing through your lower intestine, popping out once and awhile to catch fresh air, you now can feel the spirit of life leaving your body, and the squirrel has now completely tunneled through your abdomen, digging himself a petite little hole in the middle of your stomach, from which he makes those annoying little 'tweeting' sounds. You always thought they were cute too.

Now your dead. You are then pulled off to the side of the path, and deeper into the woods. The squirrel plans on taking you back to his underground layer. He has kids to feed to you know! He can't subsist on merely nuts and berries, ohh no, he's a carnivor, and he needs fresh meat. The only creature stupid enough to fall for his devious plot was you, homo sapien (smart ape supposedly). He brings you too his little underground layer, his little friends jump out of the bushes and help carry, drag, and push you along the way to the cave. Occasionally they'll stop to bite off some flesh, or drink some of your blood. Your body is completely decapitatated. They'll have to use dental records to indentify you this time. Your once beautiful face, looks like a pepperonic pizza, with anchovies mixed into it. A little tomato sauce pops out the edges. Your ears are completely devoured, Squirrels love ears.

It's around 12 now, your husband is beginning to wonder where the heck you are. Your usually home around 11, but now your an hour late. He knows something is wrong, and alerts the authorities. They inform him he must have evidence of a crime or wrong doing or they can't begin looking for her until 24 hours have passed. You plead with the authorities, but their insisting he waits until tommorow morning, and if she's not back, they can file a missing persons report.

Hubby's pissed. The police he funds with his hard earned money won't help him search for his missing wife. He goes out to search for you, and soon will walk right into the squirrels trap, and provide even more food, enough for all the squirrels in the forest, this will be the year's best slaughter, they smerk, laugh, and 'tweet' amongst themselves, much like humans after a good day hunting or fishing.

The squirrels continue to devour you, but your huge to them. You'll last them a long time, and their feasting on your fingers, epidermis, and lower intestines. Something about your intestines arouses them, its sensual and delicious, they must have more, but supplies are limitied, at least for awhile.

Meanwhile, your husband grabs a flashlight and drives down to the park. He's crying and talking to himself, God knows why, but he is. He begins walking down the same paths you did, footstep by footstep, searching hopelessly. He hasn't given up hope and wonders, "Who did this? A rapist, murderer, or someother demented SOB?" He's palpably exasperated and stops to catch his breath. As he looks down, much to his horror, he see's your blood and a squashed eyeball, that has spread out and is being devoured by flies and other insects of prey! He begins to breakdown and gets onto his knee's, "Why me, Why me!" he yells. He begins to cry and sob, reflecting on his life and vowing revenge.

The squirrels stop feasting on you, as they hear your husbands passionate plea's. They realize that they could have a feast of titanic proportions, and ensure the next generation survival. They quickly run down near the man, who is now sprawled out on the ground, face down, yelling obscenites at your splatterd eyeball.

The squirrels devise a devilish plan. One squirrel will have a one on one showdown with the man, and as he attacks the first squirrel, the other 27 will originate from all over and in every direction, and begin their merciless conquest of his body.

Your husband is now biting his watch and asking for a "cold brusky dear" as he imagines your still alive, on a sunday afternoon, during the football game. A squirrel originates out of nowhere, stands 20 feet in front of him, and begins that God-forsaken 'tweekin' sound! He immediately is startled and realizes what happened. He's angry and vows revenge. He stands erect and attempts to compose himself, he is no longer a man, but an animal, competing for survival, and hoping to extract revenge.

He faces his enemy. "You Bastard! You ate my wife, didn't you?" He begins to growl. Meanwhile the squirrel 'tweeks' again, and steps forward. Only 10 feet separates the two. Meanwhile a cavalcade of squirrels is mere feet behind the man, who is now making hissing sounds and walking toward the squirrel. He starts to yell again "I'm going ki--". He's interupted violently, as 17 squirrels latch onto various parts of his body, and two squirrels begin to attack the frontal orifices of the poor man. He is quickly taken down, not before he manages to grab a few squirrels and fling them several feet into the forest. But they return and call first dibs on his arms!

He senses defeat and capitualates. He's now back on the ground, being ripped apart limb by limb, his neck has been severed and his head dragged several feet await. Before his neurons stop working, he see's one thing. The squirrels ripping his heart out, and devouring it. Before he knew it, he too was dead, he couldn't see anything and soon was completely eviscerated and life suddenly stopped.

The Squirrels had won, and they would surely have a fine feast. This would be a delicious winter!