Supreme and Ultimate Commander Attacked!

November 25th 2004

Sasquatch Press is reporting that the Supreme and Ultimate Commander of All Forces, the venerable Kyle W. was visciously attack by a plague of delectable Ritz Crackers as he attended a Thanksgiving ceremony last night. The Night got off to a great start with the Supreme Commander giving his annual Thanksgiving day proclaimation at the Sasquatch Militia Thanksgiving day headquarters. Based in Langley Virginia, the Sasquatch Militia Thanksgiving day headquarters (SMTDH) was orginally founded in the year 2002 by a Sasquatch turkey farmer and avid Thanksgiving historian in order to promote the Cascadian holiday between human settlers and the native Sasquatch population.

The Festivities got off to a great start with the Holy Phajer giving his Thanksgiving day kickoff prayer (TDKP). Then the Holy Phajer began administering mass by using Ritz Crackers and Crisco oil, as is always the case. But it now appears that NWO operatives somehow poisoned the Crisco in order to incapacitate the Supreme Commander and render him defenseless against the surreptitious NWO assassins.

Fortunately, the plot was only half successful, as the Supreme Commander was incapacitated but he was able to fight off his attackers and regroup the forces of light to wage war against the peanut butter covered invaders.

The Supreme Commander however sustained heavy damage to his face and will no longer be able to lend his male modeling services to the world. However his highly priced financial advice column, Cascadian bartering Weekly, will still be available and his film career will continue.