Sasquatch Press Reports @ 2004
The Sasquatch Militia Press is now officially confirming earlier rumors regarding an alleged anti-militia assassination attempt against a high-ranking militia member.
Earlier in the day, panic erupted and chaos reigned throughout Cascadia as various news organizations began reporting that a high ranking member of the Sasquatch Militia hierarchy had been targeted for assassination by elements within the NWO. It was later discovered that the attempt had failed and that all members of the Militia hierarchy had been accounted for.
Apparently, a bomb had been placed in the cell phone of none other then the Emperor himself! Around 1:45 P.M the emperor noted his cell phone had a suspicious humanoid smell to it. After handing the phone over to his aides to verify the pungent humanoid threat, it was confirmed that a humanoid had indeed tampered with the Emperor’s cell phone. However, despite the advice and wishes of his staff, the Emperor continued to use his phone throughout the day. Whether it was placing calls to world leaders like Kofi Annan or Jacques Chirac, calling the families of Cascadians serving overseas, or discussing trade policy with Alan Greenspan, the day went on as normal.
Then, at around 8:00 P.M Cascadian standard time, as the Emperor was preparing to retire to his private quarters for the remainder of the night, the cell phone began vibrating rapidly. Dismissing the vibrating as merely another phone call, the emperor continued on with his pre-sleep yoga and deep relaxation routine. But the vibrations continued, for 3 hours, before the phone simply broke into 3 distinct pieces: LCD screen, keypad, and battery. Soon the Emperor General was surrounded by Yeti security agents and rushed to an underground bunker for security purposes.
Soon it became apparent what had happened. A trained NWO operative had stolen the Emperor’s phone and laced it with a high powered vibrator that was supposed to explode at a designated time. However due to the sheer incompetence of the NWO operative and lack of Militia-like training, the plot failed. The phone didn’t explode as expected and nearly broke apart.
Now the Sasquatch Militia Bureau of Investigation - Emperor’s Royal Guard (SMBIERG) has taken over the investigation of the case. Earlier indications point to the recently founded NWO cult based out of Hamline University in St. Paul, MN. The Secretary of Doom has recently been dispatched to this lethal killing field in order to investigate the attempted assassination and quell the anti-tolerance insurgency that has broken out there. It appears that radical pro-intolerance hate groups such as the Humans for a Human Controlled Planet (HHCP), an vitriolic group affiliated with the NWO is to blame for the assassination attempt.
Sasquatch Press is also reporting that other members of the Militia have been targeted for Assassination by this group. Knowing this, the Militia intends to water bomb the campus of Hamline University in order to flush and drown out the assassins who have taken refuge there. The remains of the campus will be turned into an underwater aquatic restoration area complete with all the pre-Columbian wildlife that roamed the luscious hills of the region until it’s destruction by human conquerors. The wildlife park is expected to open by the year 2010.