Tom Ridge says Calm down!
February 16th 2002!

The Secretary of Homeland Security for the United States of America is known as a blunt, to the point, and politically incorrect person. But his latest diatribe against people duct taping their houses to protect against biological and chemical attacks has left the nation wondering if he is insane or simply angry and constantly belligerent.

After he issued an alert to American citizens warning them that a chem/bio attack was imminent, he then advised them to take necessary precautions to safeguard their homes against a possible attack. Soon he was critized on television and in the media as being overly protective and not giving enough evidence to support his claim that a chemical attack was imminent.

"I'm sick of you media panzy's and paranoid radicals"Ridge derided the press and the American people "Who constantly take everything too seriously, I was just joking around, there is no attack imminent, so calm down you rejects."

Ridge was instantly criticized again by the media for lieing to the American people and then calling them "Rejects".

Well last night, the Sasquatch Militia sat down with Secretary Ridge and asked him who his beef was with and how to best prepare against terrorist attacks.

Sasquatch Militia - Why did you call the American people rejects?

Secretary Tom Ridge - Because they are! (SHOUTING) They're so frickin stupid. I mean how dumb do you have to be to duct tape your house because of a chemical attack. Do you really think it's going to happen in the middle of flippin Missouri? And why would they chemically attack your house? I mean come on!

Sasquatch Militia - Why are you sweating?

Tom Ridge - Why don't you shut the hell up! Who are you anyway? You little twirps!

Sasquatch Militia - You sound kinda mad?

Tom Ridge - You sound kinda retarded.

Sasquatch Militia - Let's not call names.

Tom Ridge - That's not what your mom said last night!

Sasquatch Militia - Why don't you go take a walk or something?

Tom Ridge - Screw this, I'm bouncim'.

Sasquatch Militia - (Coughing under the throat) Fairy, fairy. Loser.

As you can see, Tom Ridge simply tried to calm down the American People and ended up screwing the Sasquatch Militia over. He will have hell to pay. No one comes on our turf and disrespect's us. This will not be the last time you hear the Sasquatch Militia.