malheureux

As you can see, I have been dragged away from any worthwhile time spent working on my latest projects to give you impertinent sots a bit of education. I was also informed that some of you have had the audacity to display pleasant, cheery behavior. Well, I'll tell you here and now, I'm going to tolerate absolutely none of that! It's disgusting to watch you putrid organisms carrying on the way you do in these selfish delusions of a contentment. Thus, I've constructed this lesson to be a good, healthy dose of practical knowledge for your state of being.
Now pay close attention or I'll be forced to nominate you as my latest lab rat for this firing mechanism.

1. The worst can, and will, always happen. No matter what the odds are. Trust me.

2. If you find things to be brightening, it's probably just the light of a raging inferno barreling towards you.

3. On a similar note, the silver lining of every cloud is more likely to be lightnening brightening the edges than anything.

4. Lightening can strike you from a storm fifty miles away.

5. Scientists are discovering new things every day, many of which are new potential causes of your impending death.

6. A good deal of the people we consider geniuses in art and science today never knew fame and recognition in their lifetimes. In fact, many died in poverty. Alone. So keep up the good work.

7. True love will always end in either death or alimony. Sometimes a pleasant mix of both.

8. Just remember on those bad days, sometime in the future, you will have a day at least ten times worse than this one.

9. You may be trendy and/or content with your image now, but it's a guarantee that this will all be ridiculed by the next generation. And heaven forbid the next generation should come from your own loins, because:

10. Homocide, especially cases within a family, is generally outlawed.

11. As for those cases of giddiness when your heart races, the heart of most animals, including humans, only lasts for one billion beats, so I would suggest conserving them.

12. Just who the bloody hell do you think you are?

13. Yes, they really are out to get you.

14. No, no one really cares at all.

15. Every second of every day, something hideously tragic and terrible is happening somewhere in the world. So what are you being so damned cheery about, you heartless, insensitive bastard?

16. Don't smile. It's sure to irritate someone.

17. Everyone must die someday.

18. Paranoia is a perfectly healthy hobby. Also refer to rule #13.

19. Broken bones always mend. Though usually only with the aid of painful pins, surgery, costly medical bills, medication, and cumbersome casts that draw attention to your pathetic wound.

20. The sun will cease to exist someday.

21. But in the meantime, you can develop skin cancer by being outside on cloudy days without sunblock. And sunblock is expensive.

22. If you aren't disgusted by your filth-encrusted world enough yet, then consider this. They started exploiting natural resources with water, now there are bars in other countries that sell shots of oxygen.

23. Health experts are discovering ways to prolong your life every day. Your sad, pathetic, meaningless life.

24. Being active in your community may boost your sense of contributing to the well-being of the people, but that doesn't change the fact that a small group of men in business suits are controlling your life.

25. Your opinion doesn't truly matter, we just like for you to think so because then we can ridicule it.

26. No, death doesn't solve everything. You usually end up back on this accursed planet, anyway.

27. Time is money, money is your life, and your life is taken up by the time spent to make money.

28. The worst has yet to come.