Half way there, then too bored to continue.
A Mushroom's Tale
By BillyBoBobSueEdBubbaGump III

   First, a bit about the Cambucha. We are small, averaging about 3.8 inches in height. Dispite our striking similarities to a certain fungus, we are, in fact, mammals. We nurse from our mothers until the age of about 9. This may seem like a bit of a long time to you however, we live to be quite old. Usually around 1473 years. Therefor, 9 years is barely even a timeframe worthy of mention. We are proud to say that of all the creatures of the earth, we have the most beautiful names. For example: Gomer, Cooter, Bubba, Charlene, Earl, Jeb, Bobbie Joe, Jim Bob, Buck and George Bush. We are very family-oriented. Our families are, however, not quite what you humans would think of at the mention of the phrase. We do not limit our family to parents and children. But rather we think of all Cambucha kind as our family. We all aid in caring for the young, as well as looking after our elders. Because of this, there is much less of a sense of loss when one of us dies. This fact is incredibly helpful considering that we are war-mongers and suffer tremendous amounts of fatalities. If not for war, our numbers would become so large that we would be unable to sustain all of our kind on the meager resources of this planet. it is unknown how long we live naturally. At the age 0f 1470, we are allowed to join in our beloved battles. From that point, we have never lived more than 4 years. Lord Cledus is not only our leader, but also our God. We do, however, serve the Great Sasausage. Neither of these has always been true. This is the story of the Battle for Oscar Mayer.

   One day, a young Cambucha, merely 130 years of age, named Jethro was on the surface world, gathering ingredients for our primary source of economic stability: LSD. Due to youthful carelessness, he was captured by a human known as Delgariath. Jethro was later released in for a promise to pursuade the Cambucha leader to have a meeting with Delgariath. When Jethro returned the next day with Jedus, the former Cambucha leader, Delgariath suggested that they join forces. He said that with help from the Cambucha, he would be able to overthrow the Great Oscar Mayer Empire. Then the factories could be used to produce enough acid to supply the entire world. After all, making hot dogs and making acid is practically the same thing, so the factories would be perfect. Being Obsessed with both acid and war, Jedus agreed to help Delgariath.

One by one, the Oscar Mayer facilities fell to the Cambucha army. The Oscar Mayer defensive strategy of pelting their enemies with balogna proved innefective. The Great Name was angered by the desecration of his empire. He then created a powerful warrior and military leader. And he was given the power to shoot rays from his eyes which would render his victims helpless in a state of delusional bliss, as well as making them extremely hungry. And his name was Cledus.

   Immediately, Cledus took control of the largest factory. He then went on e-bay and ordered the supplies to build a machine that would create an army that would lock on to the Cambucha's only weakness.

   Then, the day finally came. The Cambucha army drew in around the final landmark of their campaign. Little did they know what was in stor for them on this fateful day. Jedus was stood in front of his troops, giving them words of encouragement before they struck this final blow. Those words were, of course "the sooner this is over, the sooner we can all go home and have pop tarts and froot loops. Just as the Cambuchan troops were about to attack, a green beam shot Jedus. All the troops stopped in their tracks as they watched their leader fall to the ground. After a few moments, the silence was broken by Jedus saying "What the... Oh no! I heard about this. I thought it was just a myth... I... I'm.... sober! nooooooooo!!!" All the Cambucha watched in horror as he withered away into dust. In the distance, a little green man became visible. Then another beside him. soon there were thousands of Cambucha-sized men, weilding cheeze graters and plungers. And leading them was Cledus, armed with a sobriety-laser. No details of the actual battle are known, since the only survivors were those who fled and Cledus, who refuses to speak of the matter. All we really know is that in the process, the legendary Little Pink Fence was destroyed, causing the Little Pink Bunnies to become extinct. This enraged the Great Name. As punishment, he sent Delgariath to Nam, where he lost both his legs and his genitalia in a land mine explosion. After finding prosthetic legs and a 1/4 inch detatchable penis, Delgariath returned to America. He later changed his name to Desbaaz and devoted his life to teaching of the Great Name so that others would not be so foolish as to make the same mistakes as he did.

   Cledus was ordered by the Great Sasausage to lead the Cambucha people away from their ibthen ways and shine upon them the light of truth.

And ever since, we have Cledus, as well as the Great Name.