The Book of Effarig ---]


Effarig are creatures of a time long-gone and past from the world today.

   They stand tall. Precisely how tall is a variable thing, and in no way really all that verifiable, seeing as they're all dead now. However, it is generally accepted that they are something like fifteen feet tall when they are on their hind legs--a total of thirty-five to forty feet in height when you factor in their colossal necks. Usually, they are inclined to a very frail build, yet they tend hold a frightfully strong rage.

   In many circles, the Effarig are considered to have been creatures under Earliscius' care, this attributed by the fact that they bear, like their necks, titanic genitalia. In times of crisis, the elder Effarig would surround those which were younger, utilizing their genitals to deadly accuracy, striking down any who would threaten the tribe.

   Long ago, the wild tribes of Effarig dominated the Scrotis Salt Flats, grazing for their main food--Salty Nuts, a plant now disappeared from the world. Also, they could be seen flocking from miles around to various food stands, purchasing much-reknowned Bearded Clam Chowder, Fur Burgers, Tuna Tacos, and Bush-Hair Pies.

However, when Blaise Nemath came forth, along with his cohort Renald Ragoon, setting up their accursed ibthen establishments of McDonalds and "Burger King", the downfall of the Effarig was evident. Many tribes died off when their hunting grounds disappeared, eventually leaving the Scrotis Flats barren and dry, cracked all over. A few left the desolation as their tribes died off, the only one of which currently known to be alive being named Yerffoeg, son of Ywinthrop. This Yerffoeg has managed to survive through great work and perserverance, establishing the much-reknowned "Toys'R'Us" to support a heavy supply of SoBe, a substance close in chemical composition to the Salty Nuts, and in liquid form to boot.

   The Effarig, aside from Yerffoeg, son of Ywinthrop, are believed to be extinct. Also, SoBe beverages kick ass. Go out and buy one. Right now. I mean it. Stop reading this, get in your car, drive out to the nearest convenience store, and buy some SoBe. Personally, I think Nirvana and Dragon to be kick ass right now--and that should be enough for you. Ah swar, you kids today don' know tha' meanin' of tha word reh-speckt! Back in my day we would listen when spoken to! We didn't talk back, or listen to this new-fangled flip-flop music! If we did that we'd get spanked with a switch! You know what I switch is, youngster? It's a HICKORY STICK THAT THEY'D BEAT OVER OUR ASS, THAT'S WHAT! NOW GET OFFA MAH LAWN, 'FORE I GOTTA BUST OPEN A CAN OF CLEDESSIAN-BRAND WHOOP-ASS-- now in two new flavors, Strawberry and Petroleum Rimjob.

Et en Sasausage
(Raises Fists in Praise)

Benus