The adventure begins...
Jim: Alright you're in a bar surprisingly enough...
Erik: I thought we were doing a dungeon adventure.
Jim: You start in a bar like every adventure Erik!
Erik: Okay I go to the shady character.
Justin: I look for some other adventurers because I'd like to go into a dungeon.
Jim: You're already sitting at the same table as the three adventurers around you.
Aaron: So we already know each other?
Jim: No you all happened to sit at the same table because it's very busy.
Max: Justin read me the menu!
Erik: I'm wearing all my armor at this point...face covered...gloves on...can't tell I'm a metal man at this point.
Justin: I say, "I can't read."
Max: Erik? Read me the menu. Read the menu to us.
Erik (Guessing at the menu's content): I'd like a hamburger...and some ale?
Max: You're not literate are you?
The group laughs at the general trend to never buy the Literacy advantage for their GURPS characters.
Max: Excellent. No wanted posters for us.
Erik: Well I think I'll be able to tell which ones look like me.
Justin: Say...none of you can read! You must be adventurers!
A man with a bushy beard walks over.
Potential Employer: (Speaking in important, loud, annoying NPC voice) HO THERE! ADVENTURERS YOU SAY!!! I AM LOOKING TO HIRE SOME ADVENTURERS!!!
Justin: Can you read?
Erik: "YOU'RE IN LUCK!!! BECAUSE WE'RE ADVENTURERS!!! THAT YOU WOULD WISH TO HIRE!!!"
Umm...I try not to speak too much because of my disturbing voice.
Aaron: You have a disturbing voice too?
Erik: Yes we already went over this. Our characters are identical.
Potential Employer: YES! LOOKING FOR ADVENTURERS I AM!
Aaron: (In ominous ninja tone) Give us the mission.
Potential Employer: THE MISSION YOU SAY? THE MISSION?
Max: I'll pay you one thousand for it!!! He then holds up the brown bag with the money symbol that he stole off the bushy bearded man moments earlier.
Erik: Excellent. I'm in need of a thousand...uh....gold.
The man thinks for a moment and scratches his beard...
Max: No need to think! Take it. No need to count it either. I don't know how much money's in it. This is...This I found on the ground right at your feet...
Erik: I'll take it.
Max: ...And I figured it could be used to pay for an adventure.
After finishing the process of scaring away the first potential employer, another stranger walks over to their table and says...
Man: Yes, I'm in need of adventurers who are untrustworthy and willing to steal.
A short discussion occurs, afterwhich the man convinces them to meet him outside in order to discuss the details in private. After they proceed outside, not a second passes before this is uttered...
Erik: (Whispering poorly) Let's mug him. Oh wait! He's innocent.
Man: Haha, the mission hasn't started yet my good man.
The man identifies himself as a Wizard and advisor to the King of a nearby country. He's looking to hire a group to infiltrate one of the land's military bases because of a rash of mysterious
disappearances.
After being asked how to avoid suspicion...
Wizard: Just pledge allegiance to the Great Northern Army of Redness...or the Great Red Army of the North? Yeah that's it. The Great Red Army of the North.
Random Quote...
Max: What's the mission? I wasn't listening.
A series of verbal attacks and thinly veiled threats soon follows as the result of the party's Kender, who is pickpocketing with abandon. The tension peaks when he reveals stealing one of the Wizard's magical scrolls in a grandiose display...
Wizard: Just what the hell kinda scam are you adventurers trying to pull here?
The colossal armored giant in the group pulls a two-handed sword from his backpack.
Wizard: Whoa! Okay...you can have the scroll!!!
Erik: Give him the scroll.
Max: What? I'm innocent!
Erik: (Trying to supress laughter) I don't think you are...
Shortly after...
Wizard: Excuse me I would like my scroll back. And frankly I feel a little untrustworthy of people who...
Max: That was the whole point of you hiring us wasn't it?
Aaron: Cause we're thieves and untrustworthy.
Wizard: But not to steal from me! To steal from them!
Erik: Why didn't you say so?
Max: And you didn't tell us to steal from them.
Wizard: Well you steal information.
Max: And information is power.
Wizard: You steal evidence.
Max: And *power*...
Erik: Is money!
Justin: A load of balderdash.
Erik: No! Power is time. No, power is...
Justin: What?
Wizard: I need evidence and information of wrongdoing.
Max: Oh okay! Here. (He gives the Wizard the scroll back.)
Wizard: Thank you! (Surprised.)
Aaron: Let's go.
Erik: Joules per second?
Aaron: I start walking north.
Max: *I* want to lead the way! Which way are we going?
Erik: *I* will ....sheath my sword.
With that situation settled, the group receives their final piece of instruction from the Wizard.
Wizard: And please report back to this tavern when you have completed your task in five days time!
Max starts drawing his kender map as the group prepares to head off into the wilderness and away from civilization.
Erik: I'll be getting on my horse and riding away. Where are we riding?
Justin and Aaron: North
Aaron: Is there a horse that can carry you?
Erik: I ride that way using my absolute...no hair....
Max: Absolutely no hair!
Erik: I'm practically a magnet. I am a magnet! So I can tell the direction pretty well.
Max: So Erik are you saying you always face north?
Erik: No no no I just know what direction north is.
Max: Because that would be funny if you were always facing north.
Aaron: So if he gets on a block of ice he starts sliding north. (Laughter)
Jusin: I'd like to see that.
Max: Jim is that guy cursing us as he turns to leave?
Jim: No.
Erik: Because then he wouldn't be innocent.
Max: Not even silently?
Jim: No. He's walking back to the tavern.
Max: Cause I have lip reading. Keep that in mind.
Soon afterward arises one of the most strategically important issues for any group of experienced adventurers.
Erik: I'll stay in the lead of the party but within range.
Jim: And...ERIK'S FIRST IN THE PARRRRRTY!!!
Max: I'm first in the party.
Erik: No I don't think you are.
Max: I claimed it And I'm gonna be really angry if I'm not first in the party.
Justin: I think I'm last in the party.
Aaron: And he's a kender so you better...
Erik: I'm a knight!
Justin: Do you have combat reflexes?
Max: Kender's aren't all about combat.
Justin: But we get a bonus if the person leading has combat reflexes!
Aaron: Don't forget Jim I kill the grass we walk on. I have Lifebane.
The kender leaps onto the front of Erik's horse in order to maintain his first-in-the-party claim.
Erik sighs.
Erik: You weren't on a horse?
Jim: No. No one is except you.
Erik: Well I guess you're first in the party.
Max: You're right. And then I get off the horse. Unless he tries to get in front of me again.
Erik: I'll continue to ride.
Justin: I'll folllow Erik.
Erik: Wait. Does anyone have a horse?
Everybody else: No!
Aaron: You. That's it.
Erik: You fools!
Max: We're not the stupid ones who bought a horse.
Erik: Well it's the only way I can move.
Justin: We can move without a horse.
Max: Erik, you still have a move of 4.
Erik: Okay I'll move it a little faster than them.
Max: Erik...I'm gonna be first in the party if I have to harm...
Erik: Yourself?
Max: Yes! Actually.
Erik: Oh....I'm not stubborn I'll let you be first.
Max: Good. Because I am!
Erik: By a little bit. I'm right beside you.
Many hours of travel through the forest occurs before the GM announces...
Jim: After a day of travel night falls. It's now night. And some people are tired.
Justin: I help knight to his feet.
Erik: Who ?
Max: You.
Erik: Me?
Aaron: The knight's fallen. You're the knight.
Jim the GM rolls some dice multiple times and then utters the statment that will cause one of the most insanely pointless debates he's ever seen in an RPG...
Erik you're tired. No wait! You're on a horse. Your horse is tired.
Erik: I was like walking the horse.(As in riding it but at a slow pace.)
Jim: Yeah your horse is tired you've been walking all day.
Erik: If the horse is tired....
Aaron: He's leading the horse?
Erik: No the horse is walking with me on it.
Aaron: Oh I see.
Erik: If I was leading the horse...
Max: Yes he said you're not tired Erik but your horse is.
Erik: But like...they must be *really* tired then.
Aaron: No we just have better health and endurance.
Erik: Than my horse?!
Max: Erik you just failed your roll.
Aaron: Yes! Your horse sucks erik.
Erik: It should be able to walk quite easily.
Aaron:It's carrying you. How much do you weigh?
Erik: Like 200 some pounds.
Aaron: That's it?
Erik: With my gear probably about...
Max: A lot more?
Erik: ...320.
Max: You don't think a steel breastplate weighs more than....
Erik: Than me? No.
Jim: Erik your horse is starting to lag. You're now third in the party. Now you're fourth. As everyone else walks by you.
Aaron: I'm walking more to the side of the party.
Justin: I don't walk by him.
Erik: How many days have we been walking again?
Aaron & Jim: A day.
Erik: And my horse is already tired from...walking.
Max: Erik It's just a stupid pack mule horse.
Erik: No it's a good decent horse.
Max: Okay Erik well it's...
Aaron: It got posioned while we were in the inn okay?
Erik: Where are you pulling this horse shit out of? (Much laughter)
Max: He's the freaking GM erik!
Erik: (Flipping out) Wonder why...This always happens to me!! Something that makes *no* sense and shouldn't be happening!!!!
Max: He rolled it and it would have been your health roll but since you were on the horse...
Erik: (Continuing) Hmm...the person that should be going fastest in the party is lagging. Hmm....
Jim: (Exasperated) The horse is just tired...okay?!
Erik: From WHAT?!
Max: Maybe you haven't stopped for a drink all day, for the horse. And since I was pushing us at a pretty heavy pace...
Erik: I break off the path. Enough of this.
Aaron: I'm walking to the side of the path.
Justin: Who are we following?
Max: Me!
Justin: Just because you know where the ba- you don't know where the base is.
Max: No because I want to be in front. And I'm going to be in front.
Aaron: Nobody knows where the base is.
Justin: Or is it just because he said it was to the north. Go north and you'll find a base.
Erik: I'm going off to find a puddle or something.
Aaron: Well we're hoping to sign up and they'll take us in.
Jim: You find a puddle.
Erik: I have my horse drink out of it.
Jim: It drinks.
Aaron: It's poisonous water Erik!
Jim: It drinks
Max: It's *refreshed*.
Jim: It drinks.
Erik: That's some puddle.
Jim: It drinks. The puddle's drained. There's a skull at the bottom.
Max: Is it horse skull?
Jim: No. It's a human skull...
Erik: Anything else?
Jim: No.
Max: Dig it up Erik!
Erik: Well this isn't very interesting.
The scene continues...
Jim: Your horse licks it.
Erik: Just like it ought to.
Max: That's just like Jim's mule.
(Editor's note: In Deadlands, Jim's gravedigger character Switchback owned a creepy mule that was revealed to be undead when it was found feasting on Erik's horse.)
Erik: (Bitterly) It ate my horse. Ya know what? I'm gonna kill the first NPC I see. Just for your stupid horse.
Max: Erik's he's innocent. Until-
Erik: Proven dead?
Max: Proven guilty.
Erik: Ehh...
Max: I didn't harm him. I killed him mercilessly. Err mercifully.
Erik: So it's all rested now?
Jim: It seems a little more lively.
Erik: Why the hell would my horse be...
Aaron: Allright, I say we break for the night.
Max: Jim I talk to myself as we go.
Jim: About?
Max: Just nothing in general.
Erik looks disgruntled and is about to say something when he's interrupted by...
Aaron: What are you so confused about Erik?!
Erik: My horse could ride fifty miles and then it would be tired.
Aaron: Erik, I'm tired of your whining.
Erik: You guys can't walk fifty miles.
Aaron: I'm almost convinced that Erik's a threat to the universe because of his whining.
Max: That's pretty evil. You're hurting my eardrums!
Erik: Well I do have a -5 reputation just for killing a lot of people.
Aaron: (In dreaded ninja voice) Stop whining...
The GM then asks...
Jim: So are you guys gonna keep walking through the night?
Erik: I'm the Black Knight.
Jim: Or WILL YOU CAMP?
Aaron: We'll camp.
Jim; Alright.
Max: I camp.
Justin: Camp!
The group stops in a small clearing and starts setting up camp.
Aaron: You can keep walking Erik. We don't care. (Laughter)
Erik: Well, this horse is no good to me. (Makes a sword swinging motion.)
Shocked laughter ensues.
Justin: I parry.
Erik: I can't. What? I wasn't going to *kill* the horse.
Jim: Anyone going to set a fire or anything?
Max: Yes.
Erik: Well I was until I remembered that he wouldn't let me do a "Just Kidding."
Aaron: Fine, go at it Max.
Jim: A small fire is now going.
Aaron: Then a large fire because a kender made it.
Max: It probably leads up to somebody's sleeping area.
Justin: I look for Max.
Jim: You see him making a fire.
Erik: Drop lots of tinder leading to bonfire surrounding someone. That's the kender way.
Justin: Is he in the fire?
Jim: No.
Justin: Oh, good.
Max: I examine Justin's sword.
Jim: You examine his sword?
Justin: It's in the sheath.
Aaron: Not anymore. He's a kender.
Max: I try and take it out.
Jim: Are you being obvious about it or not?
Max: I'm not being particularly stealthy about it.
Justin: I say, "Oh. Okay. This sword was made by my father."
Max: Do you have two swords?
Justin: Yes I do.
Erik: His other sword was made by someone else's father.
Aaron: His mother.
(Aaron and Erik laugh.)
Erik: Yeah his mother.
Justin: It was commissioned for a great man who worked for Prince Humperdink. But he turned out to not to be so great. When he returned for the sword, he demanded the sword, but at one tenth its-
Aaron: That wasn't Prince Humperdink.
Justin: Well he worked for him.
A long silence then occurs. Followed by a humorous debate over Justin's character's background.
Erik: Get your story straight!
Aaron: He-you didn't know that!
Justin: I do too!
Erik: We know your background better than you!!!
Max: What's wrong with a little ad-libbing?
Justin: And uh...So he killed my father.
Erik: Understudy!
Max: That's a sad story.
Justin: And so now I've pledged to kill him.
Max: Why didn't he take the sword?
Justin: Uh I challenged him to a duel.
Max: And he ran away?
Justin: No he cut up my face.
Max: No wonder you're so hideous. Or are you just ugly?
Justin: No I'm attractive.
Max: No wonder you're so attractive. He must have taken a little fat off your cheeks and-
Erik: How come he didn't just take the sword when he cut up your face?
Justin: (Thinking quickly) I hid it behind my back.
We all laugh.
Erik: Not a smart man this is.
Justin: He had six fingers on his right hand.
Max: On his right hand? Cause I was gonna say that guy we just passed had six fingers on his left hand and so I thought this story was irrelevant.
Justin: That's not him.
Max: Are you sure?
Justin: Yeah. Unless he was standing backwards.
Max: There was a mirror somewhere around there.
Erik: And some smoke. And let's go to sleep.
Camping hijinks!
Max: I'm taking first watch.
Aaron: Allright
Erik: And second.
Jim: Suddenly from the sky above you all hear a "Scrreeeeeeeech!"
Erik: That was hideous.
Jim: And something large falls out of the sky and lands in the fire. It's a huge moth. (Laughter)
Max: Does someone have Weirdness Magnet?
Erik: I hack at it. Get out my sword. (Makes cutting noise) In half.
Max: Hey that's an innocent moth!
Jim: Erik you're splattered with goo.
Aaron: I go to sleep.
Erik: (Shrugs) It's on my armor.
Jim: And the fire's out.
Max: You ruined my fire!
Erik: What do you think the moth did?
Justin: What did you do? That was the rare giant moth...
Max: Mothus gigantatis.
Justin: There's only thirteen left of them in the world!
Aaron: It was already on fire.
Max: Jim I keep hitting Erik with my staff.
Jim: He does so.
Erik: You're gonna break that stick.
Max: Yeah, I know. But one of these times I hit him with it and then try and like scoop something off his belt.
Erik: Uhh...
Max: Without him noticing of course. I do have the Filching skill Jim. Specifically for this type of thing. And then I throw it off to the side...
Jim begins rolling some dice and looking at character sheets.
Erik: I can't imagine what would be on my belt at all. (Points) Backpack.
Max: Erik you can't just decide that now that I'm filching from you.
Erik: Everything's in my backpack. Except for *water*.
Jim: You knock off a flask of water.
Max: But then I catch it on my stick and then heave it off into the woods...
Jim: Yeah.
Max: Where I know where it is. Okay.
Erik: I'll go get it.
Max: Erik, you didn't see any of this!
Erik: What?
Max: That's the sneakiness of it.
Aaron: It's a skill Erik.
Erik: Okay, I guess I was just like, "Oh, you're hitting me with a stick."
Jim: Yep.
Erik: Okay.
Aaron: I go to sleep. But I'm still intangible.
Erik: I'll sheath my sword.
Suddenly! Out of nowhere...
Jim: The moth wing bats again and then lands on the ground.
Erik: That's it?
Aaron: It's an innocent moth Erik!
Max: I restart the fire.
Erik: Excellent, I'll tie up my horse and go to sleep.
Some notes are exchanged. And not for the first time this adventure. Then
Jim rolls some dice several times.
Erik: I think I succeed.
Jim continues rolling dice.
Aaron: So how many times has Max tried to pickpocket me?
Max: Oh yeah, once we stop I'm gonna try and pickpocket Aaron too.
Aaron: Good luck.
Jim: What's your pickpocket skill 16?
Max: 19.
Aaron: Jim, how's he gonna do that?
Max: Insubstantial?
Aaron: Insubstantial.
(The GM asks for a quick clarification on Aaron's power. He finds out it's not on all the time and that the ninja has the ability to turn it on and off.
Aaron: By the way, my invisibility includes all my stuff unless I'm carrying like 100 lbs or something.
Max: Anyway I do it before he goes to sleep. Just cause it's not as much fun otherwise.
Erik: Uhh...I hope you paid to be able to carry objects? (Aaron nods)
Good I don't want a naked ninja walking around.
Max: So anyway I just find out that he's insubstantial Jim?
Jim: Yeah.
Max: I'm shocked. And I keep trying to grab stuff off Aaron's belt. Hey guys check this out! And I like punch Aaron in the stomach.
Jim: His hand goes into your stomach.
Aaron: Am I asleep?
Jim & Max: No.
Erik: Huh?
Max: My hand went right through Aaron.
Erik: I'm asleep.
Max: No this is before you went asleep.
Erik: I laid down right after you-
Max: Okay fine Erik you heard me yell this.
Aaron: So what happens if I turn substantial when his hand's in my stomach?
Jim: Uh...something bad I suspect.
Aaron: Allright, as soon as he does that I turn invisible.
Jim: (To Erik and Justin) I guess you look up to see Max doing this. (Starts punching in the air at nothing.)
Justin: Are we awake?
Max: You are now.
Jim: You didn't have time to fall asleep.
Justin: I say, "Are you working out before we go to sleep?"
Max: I turn to back to look at the ninja. I say, "The *ninja* was *just* here. And I was shadowboxing through his STOMACH!"
Justin: Uh huh. Sure. Sure he was. Right-O.
Aaron: I walk over behind a tree. Turn visible and intangible and then walk out from behind the tree.
Jim: The ninja appears from another tree.
Max: That's mystical!
Erik: (In a sing song voice) Mystic ninja...
Max: Almost like a legend!
Aaron: What?
Max: Legend of the Mystical Ninja.
Erik: (Wistfully) I should get a magnetic sense.
The "peaceful" moment is broken, when out of the blue...
Jim: You hear another, "Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeccch!!!" (Makes a Crashing sound.)
(Laughs a plenty.)
Aaron: Take cover!
Erik: Who's doing that?!
Max: Someone has Lifebane or something. Wonder who that could be?
Justin: Is it a moth?
Jim: Yes.
Justin: I say, "Who keeps doing this? What kind of monster could do this?"
Jim: It's on fire and it's crawling around the campsite beating its wings. And it's on fire.
Aaron: I walk over next to it.
Justin: I help it up. I put it out.
Erik: One pound limit on Lifebane.
Max: I go examine it.
Jim: It's...on fire.
Max: I run over to get that canteen.
Jim: Justin puts it out.
Aaron: I'm willing to guess it's not just- It's the fact that we have a fire burning and they're being attracted to it.
Erik: And a weirdness... Who's the Weirdness Magnet? Someone's gotta be it.
Max: I thought all your characters had Weirdness Magnet Erik.
Erik: No. Not this guy. He's the one who doesn't.
Justin: How much does Weirdness Magnet cost?
Erik: 15. It's a bargain.
Max: It's a disadvantage too.
Justin: Is it?
Max: Yeah.
Aaron: Oh my gosh.
Erik: I know. That's why it's a bargain. It's like Unliving. DANG!
Max: Actually Erik you automatically go unconscious if you have Unliving and you drop below 0. So you can't have like -85 health and still be fighting.
Erik: Well yeah but I mean you also pick up a ton of advantages like...
Max and Erik briefly start a debate over the advantages and disadvantages of being Unliving. Meanwhile...
Jim: The moth doesn't look like it has much longer to live.
Aaron: I walk by it. Does it weigh more than a pound?
Jim: It weighs five pounds.
Aaron: Damn. I won't kill it.
Max: Jim I go get my canteen out of the woods.
Aaron: I put out the fire.
Jim: Allright.
With that problem solved, the group's focus shifts towards itself.
Max: Have I noticed that Erik's completely metal man?
Erik: Since he's in full armor and has no skin showing.
Max: Erik, how can you have no skin showing? Can I see your *glowing red eyes*?
Erik: Oh yeah!
Max: And that's the only part I can see?
Erik: Great helm.
Max: Erik I will more closely examine you when you fall asleep.
Erik: Very well then.
Max: Your armor may be missing when you wake up.
Erik: Uh...Not very likely.
Max: Why not?
Erik: I don't think you could take it off me.
Max: I'm a kender!
&Aaron: Erik, he's a Kender.
Max: Erik, I have Starglazing even!
Erik: Heh. Okay, that's what you'll need to take it off me probably. I don't think you'll lift me up.
Max: I dunno Erik, strength of 7.
Erik: I *know* you won't lift me up.
The adventure then reaches another critical juncture...
Aaron: I go to sleep.
Jim: WHO ELSE GOES TO SLEEP IN THE PARRRRRTY?!
Justin: I go to sleep.
Erik: I already went to sleep.
Aaron: First I turn insubstantial though.
Erik: Man, I should have gotten increased density but...
A short time after everyone goes to sleep...
Jim: Max, you're on watch. And everyone is asleep in the party. *Everyone* is asleep in the party. And you're on watch.
Max: Okay Jim, just so you know I have insomniac and...
Erik:(Already guessing at Max's plan) *This* is why you need Absolute Timing.
Max: ...reduced sleep.
Jim: Alright.
Erik: When someone wakes you up, "Okay your turn for watch." What? No it's not.
Max: So when I'm starting to feel tired. I go and open up Erik's canteen and dump it out on his head, and say, "Time for watch."
Erik: Well I won't be smelling it or tasting it...cause it's water. And I have that disadvantage. Double doozy!
Jim: He doesn't appear to wake up.
Erik: I *didn't* get Deep Sleeper though.
Max: I throw the canteen at his head.
Erik: Great helm you mean.
Max: Yeah...
Jim: Erik, you feel something hit you in the face.
Erik: Great helm.
Jim: Yes, you feel the vibrations as it hits your great helm!!!
People make cartoon clanging noises.
Erik: I open my eyes.
Erik: You see Max standing over you.
Max: Infravision Jim, don't forget.
Erik: Well you can see my red eyes.
Max: So if there's any, like, skulkers. At night.
Jim; Alright.
Erik: You rang?
Max: I say, "It's time for your watch. Hey 'rang' that's a pretty funny joke!" And I wake everybody up and tell em Erik's joke.
Aaron: You can't wake me up!
Max: Yeah, I kick sand on Aaron.
Erik: Oh Aaron, you're gonna have trouble when you wake up. There's sand where you are.
Jim: You don't see Aaron.
Max: Oh....
Max: I make sure to wake Justin up and fill him in on the funniness of it.
Justin: (Waking up) What?
Max: How I hit Erik's head, and his helmet , ya know, jarring woke him up, and he said, "You rang?" And then I start laughing.
Justin: (After a significant pause) I go back to sleep.
Max: Then I go to sleep too.
Erik: I think of cruel things to do to the kender when he goes to sleep.
Jim: There's a long list.
Erik: I'll be counting my equipment. And money. This will probably just be my, while I'm up, let's count my money. Keep the fire going.
Aaron: No! We put the fire out you idiot!!
Erik: Oh, you already put it out?
Jim: (Taking advantage of Lars' low IQ) Erik, *somebody* let the fire go out...
Erik: WHOOOOO LET THE FIRE GO OUT?
Justin: Well that takes care of about half of them.
Erik: I'll be making a big bonfire.
Aaron: Erik, you idiot.
Things seem quiet until nature graphically rears its ugly head once again...
Jim: Alright, Erik after about 15 minutes you hear a lot of, "Screeeeee!" "Screeeeeeee!" "Screeeeeeee!" Ten to fifteen flying moths start flying into the fire.
Erik: I'm going to try and kill them before go into the fire though.
Jim: Erik, you become a whirlwind of destruction as you knock moth parts to and fro over the fire.
Erik: 4 attacks per melee.
Jim: Max and Justin are awoken by bug parts hitting them.
Max: I probably wasn't asleep though. I have Insomniac.
Aaron: Do I wake up to the screeching?
Jim: Yes. You see ground.
Aaron: I get up.
Jim: You see more ground. As in, open your eyes, Ahhh! Ground!
Aaron: You said they couldn't see me.
Jim: What?
Aaron: Wait, why do I see ground?
Max: Maybe you rolled over in your sleep.
Erik: And you accidently fell underground. Heh, you fell off the ground.
Aaron: I get up.
Jim: You see some roots, and ground and rock.
Aaron: I climb up to the top.
Jim: More ground.
Aaron: I keep going.
Jim: Okay, now you seem some grass. And the campsite.
Erik: Do you have to breathe when you're insubstantial? I think you do.
Aaron: Yes.
Aaron: That's why I can't just sink underground Jim. I can only go through something-
Erik: Well you better not sleep insubstantial then.
Max: Maybe this just happned real fast.
Erik: Yeah... It was the insubstantial winds made by my swinging. Or the moth.
Jim: Erik, one more moth flies down.
Erik: (Short and to the point) Kill it.
Moth: "Screeeeee-*shplork!*" It gets chopped in half.
Aaron: Fortunately moth parts are flammable and they hit the fire.
Erik: I know. Fuel the fire.
Jim: The fire's still going.
Max: I say, "Erik swings like a girl." (Pointing out skill usage) Taunting Jim.
Aaron: I become substantial and put out the fire.
Jim: Is that a skill roll?
Max: Yeah.
Dice are rolled for Max's Taunting skill and the result is...
Max: 12. I have a ninteen. And he has to oppose it with willpower, I would assume. I don't know.
Jim: Erik, the kender just said you swung like a girl.
Erik: I think this deserves a good killing.
Erik's Will is rolled and the GM responds...
Jim: You do!
Erik: "WHAT?!" I'll lumber over to him. "What did you say?!"
Max: I walk backwards at the same pace staying out of sword range. I say, "You *wish* you could swing like a girl, but you swing like a *little* girl!" (Merry jesting always elicits guffaws.)
The GM thinks for a moment and examines Erik's poor will roll again.
Jim: It's true. You're beginning to doubt yourself Erik...and you *don't* like it.
Erik: I'll be running at him. Humbly. Attentively. Oh! I get a +1 because I'm attentive to this.
Jim: Alright he's charging you.
Max: I'm trying to maintain a safe distance.
Erik: By walking backwards?
Max: No Erik.
Erik: What?
Jim: Are you running?
Max: If need be.
Erik: YOU RUN LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!!!
Jim: (Perhaps speaking with a touch of pity for Lars' ability) He's outpacing you while running backwards.
Erik: All out. This is costing Fatigue.
Aaron: I chase after him.
Justin: I go back to sleep.
Max: Erik I have more fatigue to spend than-oh wait. No I don't. I was thinking it was based on Health.
Erik: Hahaha! It's based on *what*?
Max: Umm...I think it's IQ.
Erik: Noooo. Strength? Ohhhh.
Max: Yeah I know Erik.
Erik: Too bad I burned most of my fatigue to get extra points.
Aaron: Stop. Whining.
Erik: I really can't.
Aaron: Oh yeah, I forgot. You're enraged. Does it shake off when he gets hurt?
Max: Ummm no.
Erik: And if it does that's just as well as if it doesn't cause you can't hurt me.
Aaron: I can't?
Erik: Not likely. I'm wearing armor. I am armor.
Aaron: I could snap your neck.
Jim: Erik you chase the kender around the camp four or five times and he's ever elusive.
Erik: (Caught up in his conversation w/ Aaron) Uhhh...I'm stronger than you and it'd be very tough cause I have a helmet on.
Aaron: I could go up behind you and (He does a neck snap pantomime)
Max: He's not even paying attention, so we'll say I kill him.
Erik: Uhh yeah, I kill him.
Jim: And it's proving difficult to catch him.
Aaron: Alright, I go to sleep.
Max: And it will eventually wear off. And you'll calm down Erik.
Erik: How long?
Max: I dunno. Whatever Jim wants to decide.
Jim: And after a couple more times around the camp.
Lars growls with rage as he continues chasing after the irritating kender.
Jim: You suddenly lose the urge to kill.
Erik:(Grumbles) I just hack down a tree.
Max: Blade snaps! Blade snaps!
3d6 are rolled. The outcome?
Erik: I succeed!
Max: When he does that I go over to investigate.
A couple of players start chuckling as they watch the GM silently mouthing numbers as he points to each one before letting the dice fly.
Max: Notice that I'm awake and able to dodge falling objects.
Erik: And he's insubstantial.
Max: And Justin's drunk.
Jim: Justin...uhhh...let's see...
Erik: Jim, don't do this. It's death. I didn't fail unless the tree dodged or something.
Max: No the tree would fall down onto somebody Erik because you cleaved it.
Erik: Not a huge tree. My sword...I couldn't chop down a huge tree.
Max: If that's about to fall on Justin, Erik you'll have to try to push it out of the way. Onto somebody else.
Jim: It's moving towards Justin.
Erik: Oh, I'll...I'll...
Jim: Okay it falls.
Erik: I'll bodyslam it!
The tree crashes onto the sleeping Ennuigo, leaving only his legs and arms visible.
Jim: Justin, you feel something hit you. (Thinks) You take three damage. And there's a large tree over you.
Justin: I'll wake up and grab the swords and look around.
Jim: You can't really move your face. But you do grab your swords.
Erik: I sheathe my sword and lift the tree off Justin.
Max: I say, "Wait! I've got a better idea!" And I start to set fire to the tree.
Erik: I lift the tree faster.
Max: Erik I dunno, trees are pretty darn heavy.
Erik: I'll use fatigue.
Jim: That's when you see Erik lift the tree up off you and Max is on it trying to set fire to it.
Justin: Where did they come from?! Where did they go?! Where are they?! I'll kill em all!!
Erik: I'll look to Max.
Max: I'm up on the tree Erik.
Jim: Yeah.
Max: You don't look to nothing! I'm trying to set fire to it with my flint.
Erik: How big a tree is this anyway?
Jim: (Pointing to objects in the room) From that doorway to the couch.
Aaron: That's pretty big.
Max: Oh...tall. I was thinking wide! I was like, Jesus Christ!
Erik: (Weakening voice) I think I run out of fatigue.
Lars now holds the large tree over his head with the kender sitting amongst its branches fueling a small fire.
Erik: I'll just throw it off somewhere. (GM's eyes light up) And *not* on anyone! (GM's face loses its enthusiasm)
Aaron: How many hours have I slept Jim?
Jim: (Rolls a d6)...One.
Justin: Hey, wait a minute. I'm wearing armor.
Max: That's probably why you aren't dead.
Erik: Well no. He didn't even take that into account. This isn't a huge tree.
Jim: If you take into account armor then, ya know, take three away from (mumbling) So you have damage resistance...(mumbling continues)
Justin: Well where does it hit me?
Jim: Chest.
Justin: Well I have five point of damage resistance.
Erik: Well, no pain no gain. So no game for you.
Jim: But a tree did fall on you and it would probably wake you up. And it wouldn't be pleasant.
Max: So after Erik throws away the tree...
Erik: You've gotta jump off it!
Max: (Continuing)... I go hide...
Erik: Max, I've thrown it at least...I believe three yards high. This is your doom!
Max: Erik you can't throw that tree three yards high!
Erik: I'm already two yards high and then some...I'm *holding* it three yards high!
Jim: Max, you jump onto a nearby branch as it goes flying by.
Max: Okay.
Jim: The tree smashes into the forest.
Max: Ventriloquism, Jim. Ventriloquism!!! "Help! I'm trapped under the tree!"
Erik: Jim, did you do the falling damage?
Jim: Yep!
Erik: Liar.
Jim: What's your Ventriloquism?
Max: Uhh...18. (He then makes his skill roll)
Jim: Okay, you hear a voice say, "Help me! I'm trapped in the forest! Help me!!!"
Max: Under the tree, Jim!
Jim: "*Under* the tree!!!" They sound innocent!
Erik: Is it the kender's voice?
Jim: No!
Erik: Oy...
"SCREEEEEEEEECH!" announces the arrival of yet another giant moth, who promptly suffers a fiery death from crashing into the tree which the kender had previously set ablaze. Insect innards splash out around the campsite...again.
Max: Is the tree on fire, Jim?
Jim: No. But the moth explodes into a pile of goo.
Erik: (Using a bored voice as he heads over to where the voice was coming from) I walk over to the tree, look down, anyone under the tree?
Jim: You see a hole.
Erik: A hole?
Jim: Yeah.
Erik: A hole under the tree?
Jim: Yeah.
Erik: (Boredom still in voice) I move the tree over. "Anybody down there?"
Jim: You see a badger.
Erik: I turn [the tree] around...
Lars lifts the tree up and slams it down onto the badger.
Once again, shocked laughter emerges from the rest of the players upon viewing Lars' wanton brutality.
Max: This is so not 'Can't Harm Innocents!'
Erik: It doesn't apply to animals! Especially not in the medievil times!
Jim: The badger dies. Quickly.
Erik: Do you want a badger near where you're sleeping at camp?
Max: Yes Erik! I enjoy danger, I'm a kender!
Erik: Good for you.
Max: I would run into a room full of dragons, evil dragons, knowingly...just to say, "Hi!"
Jim: I will point out that the campsite is now very thick and gooey.
Justin: I'm putting out the fire!
Max: I'm going to climb into the tree I left Jim and use Camaflouge. So I'm hidden.
Erik: I'll roast the badger over the fire.
Jim: There's no more fire. Someone put it out.
Erik: ARRRRRRRRGHHH!!!
Aaron: Why do you want a fire?
Erik: To roast the badger and so I can see. I'm no good guarding if I can't see.
Aaron: Every time we light the fire the moths come!
Max: Erik, don't your red glowing eyes help?
Erik: They mostly just say, "Oooo! Here's someone!" It helps everyone else. It doesn't help or hinder me.
Aaron: I sleep till morning.
Max: Me too.
Justin: Me three.
The rest of the night passes quickly for the quartet...
Jim: And you all wake up the next morning!
Justin: Excellent.
Erik: Except for Aaron. You don't wake up. No reason.
Aaron: To goo.
Jim: A fine filmy paste.
Max: Thank goodness I'm not covered in goo.
Erik: Uh.
Max: I didn't sleep in it!
Erik: (Shrugs) Nyehhh...
Max: Erik, your armor rusts!
Aaron: I start walking north.
Justin: I follow him.
Erik: I follow on my hearty horse.
Max: I lead!
Jim: The kender runs by you three and comes to the lead.
Justin: I stop.
Max: And I walk backwards as I go too.
Aaron: I keep walking.
Max: And I make conversation with whoever's directly behind me.
Aaron: That'd be me?
Erik: I'll behind the person directly behind Max.
Justin: I'll be last.
Casual dialogue while on the road.
Max: So what's it like being a mystical ninja?
Aaron: Great.
Max: You're legendary you know!
Erik: I'm hungry.
Max: Oh look at the big man, "I'm hungry! Feed me! Feed me!"
Erik: For kender.
Aaron: (Laughing) Was that a roll? (GM Note: Taunting roll that is.)
Max: No that wasn't a roll, I'm just insulting him.
Erik: I just eat while I ride.
Jim: Eat what?
Erik: Rations.
Jim: You have rations?
Erik: Yeah.
Jim: I'm impressed.
Erik: I decided not to starve with this character.
A question arises.
Max: Hey Jim, do I have the special ability, like real Kender, where I can just reach into my pockets and pull out things like I never even knew were there?
Jim: Uhh...
Aaron: Yes! That's the best skill to have.
Max: It's kinda like Snatcher, actually. Except I don't go for a specific item, I just get one at random. Like a ball of string or a +5 ring of protection.
Aaron: But there's a 1% chance that he pulls out a magical item.
Jim: Is this stuff you stole in the past and forgot about or what?
Max: It's like anytime a kender encounters somebody else their pockets become intermixed. And if you live in a community of kender anybody the kender's every come in contact with you could end up with. So bastically-
Erik: Uhhh...you mean their stuff you end up with. Not the other person.
Max: So basically all the possessions in the world are intermixed through kender.
Jim: Sure!
Max: Okay. I'll try not to do it too often though.
Jim: Do you choose to do it or does it happen-
Aaron: You just choose to do it.
Max: Anytime I like wanna take something out of my pocket. It's also hard to try and find a specific item.
Jim: Ahhh.
Aaron: You're like, "I reach into my pocket." And you have this-
Jim: Cool.
Max: Their clothes have *tons* of pockets in them.
Erik: I hate kenders.
Max: That's the best part about playing a kender Erik.
Erik: That everyone hates them?
Max: I was like, "I need a magic genie to raise my strength."
And I pulled out a bottle and I opened it. And a genie came out! And I was like, "Yesss!!!" And I was like, "I wanna be stronger."
And he was like, "I don't grant wishes to kender." And he left!
I was like, "You bastard!"
The group laughs.
Max: "Come back here and I'll kick your ass!"
Erik: (Chuckles) Ahh...you deserved it.
Justin: Do kender have a high friendly fire/death rate?
BEGIN UPDATED SECTION!
Max: Ummm...well fortunately after you spend a lot of time with a kender you build up an immunity to their taunting.
Justin: But what about their stealing?
Max: Oh? Their stealing? Well, pretty much the kender just makes it so, like, if some guy's off five miles away you could still have his stuff if you needed, say, a potion of healing. So it's kind of advantageous. And you can always ask the kender to get your stuff back.
Aaron: Allright, I keep walking.
Max: If I run into the villains I could end up with all their good stuff.
Jim the GM rolls some dice.
Jim: Uhh...Max, Erik.
Erik: Where's my water?
Jim: You two notice some men in uniform...
Max: *Erik* noticed something? Don't forget I'm Clueless, Jim. But I have Alertness.
Erik: Uhhh...that shouldn't be allowed.
Aaron: I'm the one who has 360 degree vision!
Jim: But you have an IQ of 9.
Aaron: Yeah, so?
Jim: So you haven't noticed it. So you might be able to notice something directly behind you whereas they might be...yeah so you didn't notice it.
Max: Erik, I'm clueless for a kender who are naturally alert.
Erik gives Max a disbelieving stare.
Max: Erik! I took the kender package and then got the disadvantage Clueless. It's a racial advantage. Not like something I took to be offsetting.
Erik: Whatever. (Turns to the GM) What?
Jim: You notice some men in uniform in some trees up ahead over the path carrying crossbows.
Erik: "Uhh...men in the tree, carrying crossbows, path up ahead."
Max: Infravision Jim!
Justin: Oh they must be the guys we join.
Aaron: I turn invisible!
Jim: Good job. Aaron disappears.
Erik: Well let's impress them by having you sneak up on them in the trees.
Max: I say, "You pansies! You have to hide in the TREE because you can't handle a little three and half foot tall kender!" Taunt, Jim.
Erik: I'll reign the horse into a stop.
Aaron: I run towards the men in the trees.
Max rolls up his Taunting skill up.
Max: Oooh...I...is that a failure? Cause I have the skill at 19. I just don't know if it's a failure.
Jim: Ahhh...
Justin: 16 is not a failure.
Erik: Uhhh when there's a group of them.
Justin: Oh.
Max: Fine, I fail. Good. These guys probably aren't enemies.
Erik: It's like -1 for each one.
Aaron: Alright.
Jim: The guy calls out, "Identify yourselves, man."
Max: I charge them and I say, "I'M A KENNNNNNNDEEER!!!"
Jim: The guy goes, "Ahhhhhh!" And arrows shoot out and he falls out of the tree.
Justin: I say, "Wait! No! We've come to join you. Are you the army?"
Jim: The other guy jumps out of the tree and says, "Yeah man. We're the Army...Red...of the North?"
Max: I mean I'm not a kender! I'm aaaauhhhhhh...dwarf!
Erik: "Army of King Vizier?" I salute. Raise my...well I can't raise my face plate, it's a Great Helm.
END UPDATED SECTION!
Much, much later in the adventure...after being recruited by the Red Army.
Justin: (Whispering) I think part of the program is that this food does something to you.
Erik: Makes you bigger.
Justin: (continuing) So you eat some of it and I'll watch what happens and we can report back.
Erik: I sniff it.
Jim, the GM: You what?
Erik: I sniff it.
Jim: Smells good.
Erik: (Smugly) No it doesn't I have no sense of smell.
Jim: Oh Erik! You got me there!
Max: (Offscreen) You got the character point!
Jim: (Sarcastic confirmation) Whenever you pull one over on the GM!
Erik: (No doubt smiling) I gave you the sheet Jim.
Jim: Ahh Erik, you and your crazy ideas.
The scene continues...
Erik: I spoon to helmet. Uh oh. *tink* *tink*
Jim: You can't swallow it?
Erik: No my helmet's on!
Jim: Uh...so you're getting food on your helmet?
Erik No! Uhmm... (to Justin) Can't eat.
Justin: I try the brandy.
Jim: It's good.
Justin: Oh. I drink some more.
Jim: It's *very* good.
Table Occupants: Glad you joined the army? Hey, what's with your pal? (refrencing Erik)
Justin: Just met him.
Erik: I prefer to keep my helmet on.
Occupant1: But...you're eating.
Erik: No I'm not, my helmet's on.
Occupant2: But you've got two trays of food in front of you.
Erik: I'll be right back. Is there a changing room?
Occupant2: Bathroom I guess. The outhouse.
Erik: To the bathroom! (He runs.)
A side commentary ensues...
Jim: You see the outhouse Erik. And I don't want any Deadlands style shenanigans here! (Laughter from other players.)
Erik: Wait, what's this?
Max: Well there was the part where Erik jumped into the-
Erik: Nooo!
Max: -jumped down into the outhouse because he was convinced all their weapons were down in there for some reason.
(Laughter again.)
Erik: Because there was that guy seen going out there with our weapons.
Max: He was seen outside with the weapons, Erik!
Erik: Exactly, that was the only place outside that I knew about.
Max: And then, let's see, there were these multiple parts where Erik decided to get naked and run around the house!
(Laughter w/ looks of disgust.)
Erik: I don't remember that.
Aaron: Allright, okay...
Justin: Nevermind. Nevermind.
Erik: It was a "Just-Kidding" that I wasn't allowed to take back!
Max: *Not* the first one.
Erik: The first one was, the *second* one wasn't.
Jim: (Hurriedly) Erik, you find the outhouse.
Max: The *second* one was the one where you ran into the dining room-
Justin: (Shouting) NEVERMIND! NEVERMIND!
Aaron begins speaking his move to drown out the debate.
Jim, the GM, finally moves on and the topic is (thankfully) left behind.