Excerpts from Rhaznor's Stronghold, a converted Palladium Fantasy adventure.

We begin at the beginning...

Jim: Uh...yeah so we're starting. And uh...

Erik: Where are we? What are we doing?

Jim: That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Max: That's not important.

Jim: Yes. It is important.

Erik:We're in a bar. We're in a bar by a shady character.

Jim: Are you?

Erik: And he's gonna give us a job. In a city.

Jim: What?

Erik: A city.

Jim: What?

Erik: A city.

Jim: A city?

Erik: Yes.

Justin: Wait, does *anybody* have Weirdness magnet?

Max: (Guessing at the location) Gypte?

Jim: No, it's not Gypte.

Fast forward to next gaming session where the group has just managed to drive away a small dragon whose cave they explored while on their woodland trek south to Rhaznor's Stronghold.

(Tape recorder is turned on)

Max: You should really invest in some rapid healing.

Aaron: How many points is it?

Max: Five.

Jim: Let the tape note, Aaron sucks!

Erik: Oh, it is noted.

Jim: No GM bias.

Aaron: Have I like lost your favoritism or something?

Jim: For the record, yes.

Getting back to the game...

Aaron: So the dragon flew off?

Jim: Yes.

Aaron: I continue heading southeast.

Jim: You see Kevin (Cravis) and Kaffe leaving. And they say good-bye. Except one of them doesn't because he can't talk. But he waves knowingly and you think...

Erik: What does he know?

Jim: ..."What is life?"

Aaron: (Half-singing) What's this life for...

Jim: And then arriving on the scene, coincidentally just as the first two are leaving...

Max: Soon to be followed by Mark when he gets here.

Jim: Potentially.

Aaron: (Rationalizing) There's some guy who got held up two miles back.

Max: You have Mark's necromancer right?

Jim: Maybe. I believe so. Just introduce your character. You walk into the middle of the clearing in the woods.

Max: (Examining his character sheets trying to decide who'll replace Kaffe) So these are my two identities.

Aaron: Which one are you gonna go by?

Max: Dew.

Justin: The other one "Mountain" or "Die"?

Max: Mountain. What's "Die dew"? Huh?

Justin: Well you're either Dew or Die.

Erik groans.

Max: Oh ho ho...yeah. No my first one is Scooby Doo and the other one is Mountain Dew.

Justin: Oh.

Jim: Yadda yadda yadda.

The GM gets around to introducing Erik's character

Jim: Falling him closely is the person who is played by Erik.

Max: (Reading off Erik's character sheets) Sir Edward the Illegally Unfair?

Aaron: Which character are you?

Erik: No. No. No. It's the same name.

Jim: Erik enough with your foolish games and choose your character.

Erik: Ferrero Rocher!

Jim: You say.

Max: Your name is Ferrero Rocher?

Erik: It's the name on the sticker of the candy.

Justin: Isn't it Ferro Roche?

Erik: No. It's Rocher. Damn Apanjaners.

Justin: I'm an elf.

Erik: Apanjaner elves.

Aaron: I'm the Apanjaner.

Max: I'm an Apanjaner too.

Erik: I'm from here. I wander around in the forest. Eating.

Jim: (Laughing) What...

Erik: (Starting to laugh at the stupidity of his story) This is my Unusual Background.

Introductions continue... Jim: And your character says what?

Erik: Moooooooo!

Max: I am Dew. Mountain Dew.

Justin: I say, "I'm Thomas."

Jim: And the GM realizes it might have been a good idea to put an NPC in the group to give background and feedback. But he realizes it's too late for that and thus the group is left to talk amongst themselves.

Erik: Well let us talk amongst ourselves. So...who are you?

Aaron: I'm already walking.

Later, Erik answers a question about his ability to pick locks...

Erik: Yeah there's a lot of locks to pick out here in the forest. Ooooo! There's one now! I trot over to the lock.

The group begins to shuffle off and Aaron states his character's current physical status.

Aaron: Right now I'm intangible but visible.

Jim: Okay.

Erik: And I'm tangible *and* visible.

Max: How many points did that cost Erik?

Erik: It's a pretty hefy disadvantage.

Inevitablly the GM asks...

Jim: Who's first in the party?

Continuing...

Max: We're gonna have a lot of trouble in a dungeon adventure if we don't have a single guy who can pick locks.

Erik: I have an antler. Uhh... The person without antlers says. (Chuckles)

Justin: Dungeon adventure? Well that's a different character.

Aaron: Do we even have anybody with a high strength?

Max: Oh yeah! Erik's huge.

Aaron: We have our lockpick. Well actually, you can break down doors. I can see what's through the doors.

Erik: My guy isn't just boasting even though he looks to have completely average strength.

Justin: I could probably eat the door too.

Aaron: That might take awhile.

The epic journey continues!

Jim: You walk and you walk. And you leave the hills behind and the forests. And now you're in the fields. And far off to your left you can see a large shining lake.

Max: I find it hard to believe..

Aaron: That's bad

Jim: You say.

Max: That's Acid Llake!

Justin: We should at least go check it out. We can bathe ourselves and replinish our water skins.

Erik: So we're like stopping at this pond or something?

Aaron: No. It's a lake.

Later...

Justin: You're the GM. You're always right!

Erik: Hahahahaha.... I think you're wrong there.

Jim: Justin gets extra experience.

Later still...

Jim: So... it's night.

Aaron: We're camping out.

Jim: You hear owls and various nightland creatures.

Erik: I did eat. I changed to werestag form and grazed for awhile.

Aaron: Do we see this?

Erik: This is why I don't need rations.

Aaron: You can't eat grass just cause you're in were-form can you?

Erik: Why not?

Max: Because humans can not survive on grass Erik.

While the PC's stop and begin thinking about setting up camp, a conversation ensues...

Erik: Did you know that Kaffe was wearing a diaper in tiger form the whole time?

Justin: (Snickering) Yes, I did.

Max: What's wrong with that Erk?

Erik: I just took offense to that.

Jim: The ground shakes.

Erik: In my fury.

Jim: And you all go up into the air about a foot. Except for the person who's potentilally insubstantial at the time.

Aaron: Yes I am insubstantial.

Justin: I look around.

Max: I look around. Without looking around.

Aaron: 360 degree vision.

Jim: You see back to the northwest from the trees and the forest (Which you had previously emerged from)...several are falling down from something large moving through the brush.

Aaron: I say we head...

Justin: I say we hide.

Jim: And it's night...dusk. Now it's night!

A giant turns out to be the source of all the racket and he's egged on into a confrontation with the adventurers. He is soon knocked to the ground, thanks to Justin's quick thinking and swordsmanship.

Justin: I uh...stick my sword at the ogre's neck.

Max: Giant.

Justin: And say, "Hey! What are you doing?"

Ogre: "Hey! What are you pointing that thing at me for?"

Justin: " I'm trying to find out if you're dangerous or not."

Ogre: "I'd think you'd be more worried about the giant over there than me."

Justin: Where's the giant?

Jim: Lying on the ground dead.

Justin: That's why I'm pointing my...

Max: It's dead?

Justin & Aaron: It's dead?!

Justin: That's what I'm pointing my sword at.

Ogre: "No. You're pointing it at *me* the ogre."

Justin: There's an ogre?!

Jim: I guess.

Aaron & Erik: That's what *you* said. / Thanks to you.

Erik: Good job Justin...

Outside the enemy stronghold, much, much later... Erik and Max sit almost a mile down the road from the barbican entrance to Rhaznor's lair. Justin lies closer, in the mountain's foothills to the north. They all wait while their invisible ninja cohort *slowly* but surely explores the interior of the fortress. The monotony is broken when...

Jim: A swamp lizard walks up to you.

Max: A swamp Wizard?

Jim: Lizard!

Erik: I continue doing what I'm doing now. (Which is holding his head wearily in his hands. Apparently sitting for hours on end in the middle of a road surrounded by dank swamp isn't exciting enough for our hero.)

Aaron: Bemoaning your loss...

Jim: It shakes its head, sorrowfully, and walks by. Meanwhile... ('Whip-Pan', looks in Justin's direction)

Justin: (Pauses) Do *I* see a swamp lizard?

Jim shakes his head.

Justin: No?

Jim: No.

Justin: Then I do nothing.

Jim: You see a rock! It's a geosphere.

Justin: It's a geosphere? Shoot! I got rid of Jewler.

A short time after that...

Jim: The corpse is starting to stink.

Max: The ogre? It's only been dead like a minute!

Erik: Maybe it already stank.

Later...

Discrepancies abound in this encounter with THE OGRE'S TAPE RECORDER.

Max: I take it.

Jim: It says, 'Play Me.'

Max: I play it.

Ogre's Tape Recorder: If you are hearing this...I am dead. (Everybody starts laughing.)

Aaron: He's undead!

Ogre's Tape Recorder: I did not have the chance to lead you into battle like I hoped. But you are all great students. And each of you is special in his or her or animal's own way. When I left the orc stronghold because I disagreed with their philosophical views...

Max: I turn up the volume. (More laughter)

Ogre's Tape Recorder: (Much MUCH Louder than before) I knew that I could never return, except perhaps...to rob them. Thus I assembled you...my team. The best of the best of the best...

Erik: Of the worst.

Justin: But didn't he accidentally meet up with us because I pointed at the ogre that wasn't there?

Max: That's how NPC's work Justin...

Justin: That's how he assembled us. His genius from beyond...

Aaron: Daring cunning.

Erik: Enough of your lip!

Ogre's Tape Recorder: But if you are listening to this as I feared, then I have died unexpectedly and can leave you with only this knowledge...

Erik: Didn't he expect it if he left a tape?

(Jim looks stupefied.)

Erik. The tape continues.

Aaron: After a long pause.

Ogre's Tape Recorder: I'm sorry, I must gather my thoughts. Vent my emotions.

Erik: You're not dead when you made the tape. I'm speaking to the tape cause I don't know better.

Justin: (To Erik) Can you hear the tape?

Jim: Yes.

Erik: I thought he said Max was by me.

Jim: (To Justin) It's very loud. You can hear it in the mountains.

Erik: I didn't know Max was by me until he said so.

Ogre's Tape Recorder: I can now reveal to you the major secret of Rhaznor's Stronghold... (Yet more laughter)

Max: Is it at maximum volume?

Erik: Turn it down! Does Max look like he's about to turn it down?

Ogre's Tape Recorder: The one thing that can lead you to success in raiding it...indeed, it's Achilles' Heel *is*... (The tape abruptly stops.)

Max: I flip it over.

Ogre's Tape Recorder: *is*.... that there is a secret entrance FROM THE LAKE.

Aaron: That will take another two days to get to.

Ogre's Tape Recorder: You must find the Merrow. She knows the way.

Justin: Bone?
& Erik: Marrow? Like bone?

Jim: NO! Like the mystical water creature that is similar to a dryad except it's aquatic. (GM Note: According to the GM's interpretation at least. Recently I've discovered they're supposed to be aquatic ogres, at least according to the D&D Player's Handbook. Ahh well.)

Erik: Is it actually saying this?

Aaron: So it's like a faerie.

Erik: That tape can't talk to us and you're...

Max: "Yeah! Like a faerie", the tape says.

Ogre's Tape Recorder: The way is dangerous because she will often ask requests of the visitors to the area.

Erik: That sucks.

Ogre's Tape Recorder: They often involve dangerous ordeals. Possibly involving a dragon.

Erik: Didn't we kill that?

Max: But not the slaying of.

Erik: Often the befriending of.

Aaron: You must make sure it lives at all costs!

Justin: Wait the ogre was there when we killed the dragon!

Aaron: Yes.

Max: It sure was.

Ogre's Tape Recorder: Good day!

Erik: Only cause he's dead.

Max: (To recorder) Thanks!

Aaron: So the ogre was there the entire time we were at the lake.

Jim: You don't know how old this tape is.

Max: I press stop. And rewind. And put it in my pouch.

Erik: It's a good thing we all know how to use this. Or it's a good thing Max does at least.

Max: That's right, Erik. That's why I have Badass.

Erik: You didn't get the one that machines like you.

Max: So that doesn't have anything to do with this. I'm just a badass, Erik.

Jim: It's DUSK! (Said ala the Nickelodeon show's announcement for GUTS!)

Justin: DUSK!!!

Aaron: DUSK!!

Later...random quote.
Ogre guard: Sacrea bleau! He is invisible!