Captain Sinthow: Are you trying to bribe me with your waterskin to work here?
Max: No, I'm showing you my work permit.
Asking for information from local guardsmen...
Jim: Thank you kind sirs.
Justin: And here's a copper piece. BLEARRCH! Tomba punches himself in the stomach and hurls a gooey coin from his maw at the men.
On the porch of Lord Mortius's manor, the group observes the expensive scale mail and swords the guards are equipped with.
Max: Man we're gonna need a wagon for all this loot, I think to myself.
Justin: Man I can't run very fast, I think to myself.
Max tries to lay down some elaborate story about Lord Mortius's plots to my character. Kevin, the GM, rolls some dice...
Jim: Do I believe the golden thumbtack story?
Kevin: Not in the least.
Justin: Finally, a worker is being slain by mysterious animals. At last, the Adventure.
Kevin: The chairs and table start coming at you.
Max: It's a trap, set it on fire.
Max: What's the CR on a kobold?
Kevin: 1/6th.
Max: 1/6th!
Justin: How many calories in a kobold?
Entering the scene of my new character's introduction, Tomba sees a dwarf engaged in combat with a tentacled monstrosity in the tunnels. Justin's first action? Trying to knock my dwarf in the back. And also pointing out that he's flanking me thanks to the creature. A couple rounds later...
Justin: Alright. I'm taking a swing at the carrion crawler.
Kevin: You attacked the dwarf last time.
Justin: But the carrion crawler's trying to steal my kill.
After having just thrown one dead stirge at the store keeper.
Jim: I pull another stirge corpse out of my pack and toss it on his head.
Owner: Ugh!
Jim: "Oh no! There's a stirge attacking you!" I punch him in the face.
Max: What's your class?
Lord Mortius: Lord of the manor.
Max: I'm gonna have to multiclass.
Lord Mortius teleports Justin and Max to an unknown town. They appear in the center of activity.
Max: Gawk away plebians!
Justin's kuo toa...
Justin: I'm disappointed no one has commented on my character's bright pink hair.
Jim: Those orcs were packing some heavy machinery, Mayor. Some double swords and I think I saw a triple bayonet. You'd be wise to hire our protection services. I know orcs, and these orcs meant business. Bad things could happen mayor.
Back in town after after the orc attack has left several buildings on fire and a few citizens wounded.
Max: Well, have I got my spells back?
Kevin: No.
Max: That sucks. He pauses for a second. Waddya think of that mayor?!
Mayor Yoka: Yes, that is unfortunate that you haven't gotten your spells back but it's rather insignificant compared to all this.
Max: What kinda mayor are you?
Mayor Yoka: The most personable person in town.
Max: Is that because you use orcs to set buildings on fire?
Mayor Yoka: No, that would be you sir.
A little "confrontation" occurs between Max and a store owner. He grows frustrated with the guy's backwoods attitude, lack of selection in the store, and cheap offers he's getting for the armor he's wanting to sell.
Max: What kinda store is this?
Owner: It's a general store selling mostly farming equipment.
Max: Farming equipment? You live inside a wall! What else do you have for sale? A rake?
Owner: Yeah.
Max: Are there even any trees in town? Are you inbred? No wonder you don't want any strangers in town.
Owner: I don't like your attitude.
Max: I don't like your town.
Max: I friggin hate this town!
Kevin: Heh. You've hated every town I've created.
Max: That's cause you fill them with all these evil personalities that hate me.
Max is elated after his character has dealt with the store owner and his friends' attempt to beat him with farming instruments.
Max: I start singing, "I am strong. I am invincible. I am eeeeeevil!"
The following quotes are excerpts taken from a campaign set in Kevin's "Lost Continent" world. Kevin flaunts his "killer GM status" in the face of his players, much to their appreciation. They like the change of pace from a GM that IS a killer GM, but refuses to admit it *cough*Jim*cough*.
Justin: Tomba, the druid Kou Toa. Previous character-Some halfling druid insane forest boy.
Jim: Arnold Ziff, Human Ranger. Previous character-Some dwarven fighter guy that lived all of 10 minutes.
Erik: Previous character-some orc aristocrat (whose uncle was a duke), killed by ingroup fighting.
Justin is trying to find a place to hide after sneaking into the village at night and hearing shouts of alarm.
Max: Justin, you should jump in the well.
Justin: Oh. Good idea! I jump in the well.
Kevin: Ok. Make a fortitude save.
Justin: I passed.
Some time passes as the townsfolk continue their search
Kevin: Ok Justin, make another fortitude save.
Max: That'd be funny if the well was poisoned.
Kevin: It suuuuure would.
Max: Not that that would matter.
Kevin: What?! Why not?
Justin: I'm a Kuo Toa, remember? Immune to poison.
Kevin: DAMN IT!
The villagers return to their homes after finding nothing, and Max's character gets down to get Justin out of the well. After being helped out, Tomba, in a wave of relief, hugs Max's character.
Max: ...I hope that isn't contact poison.
Justin: Uh oh...I prolly shouldn't have done that.
Much to Kevin's joy, the players start up a third and entirely separate group of characters to run around on the Lost Continent. This is due, in no small part, to me accidentally forgetting my character sheet for the zillionth time. Thus are the Masters of the Universe born out of the swirling fires of Creation. They are:
Swimguy - The samurai trainee played by Max. He wears a shirt that bears his bushido code on the back.
America's Favorite Cookie - A rolling, tumbling bundle of energy and laughter. Erik's responsible for this guy with a name inspired by a package of Oreos on the table.
Strongbad - The wrestling mask wearing misanthrope. Performed with great zeal by Justin.
Orsen - The learned arcanist and official spell slinger. Prone to long bouts of intense meditation. He's played by Andy.
Zilly Bane - An ostrich rider from the outer prairies. His people worship Rodan, a lesser known god to the majority of the populace. Played by yours truly.
Upon removal of the magic sword Glimdring from the rocky ground of a dark cavern, Swimguy is shocked to see legions of undead zombies erupt from the ground all around him. Things begin to look even worse after he accidentally sends the sword flying from his grip. Now surrounded by bloodthirsty, decaying humans, Swimguy contemplates his existence and grips the handle of his bastard sword...
Max: Like a cherry blossom, a samurai is at his most beautiful before losing his petals.
The group has recently found Mayor Mind, the only townsperson not currently afflicted by some strange mind altering malady. He looks to be quite frightened after surviving alone in the wilderness for several days. The player characters assail him with questions and comments - one of the more outlandish being Swimguy's prodding about what the Mayor thinks about his current fashion statement.
Max: My *hat* mayor! Quit avoiding the question.
We continue to interact with Mayor Mind after he mentions that a cave two days away might factor into this mystery...
Max: Where'd you get these wounds from?
Mayor: What wounds?
Jim: These wounds! I make a swift stabbing motion in the air. Heh. You're done. We got the next location on the map.
Barbarian Zilly Bane continues to astound with his mad Wilderness Lore skill. He tries to make dinners around the campfire extra special as a result.
Jim: Who likes oregano? BAM!
All the zombies in this abandoned town have exactly five silver pieces on them.
Justin: Welcome to communist necromancy.
At a later session, the Masters of the Universe reminisce about their fallen comrade (Erik's previous character fell in combat and swiftly fallen upon by ravenous, flesh eating undead). For some reason, we're having a tough time remembering much about the guy.
Max: Oh wait, I remember his name now. It was Cookie.
Justin: How fitting.
After searching the remains of a barren cabin, there's a sudden lightshow at the only entrance.
Jim: "We've fallen into his trap," I say.
Justin: "Not me." I run.
Strongbad demonstrates the controlling powers of the black coin while his compatriots slice down zombies in front of him.
Justin: Get hit by that! And fall down dead! Obey me.
Kevin: He dies in a burst of gore.
Justin: I say, "I invented the internet," over and over until it dies.
Kevin examines the initiative chart trying to figure out who's next to attack. Somebody announces that the zombies are up.
Justin: Zombies are up. Who had the zombies?
Swimguy the samurai slices down yet another abnormal flesh-eater. This one utters something before falling to the earth.
Ghoul: Cold...
Max: No. Bushido.
I protest to a zombie after it fails to die in the gloriously over-the-top fashion that I was aiming for.
Jim: That would have been so awesome. Why can't you work with me?!
Speaking to Lord Pacman, who questions Erik's character's appearance at his meeting with Swimguy.
Erik: I am just here to observe.
Max: He's my golf caddy.
Justin: I took my watch before Zilly.
Max: Take that Zombie Steve.
Kevin: Zombie Steve?
Max: Kevin, I name all my foes so I can write about them in my journal.
Jim: You have a Mallet of Light Wounds?
Erik: Yes. It's also called a warhammer.
We've just fought statues that resemble Strawberry Shortcake and Sugarwoofer. For an added twist, their hollow insides contain something special.
Erik: They have coins inside.
Justin: They're pi�atas.
Max: What a fun dungeon.
Justin: I hope the next one has candy.
Strongbad gives the inexperienced Orsen lessons. The sorceror has never been "on watch" before.
Justin: Whenever you're ready just wake up...uhm... Val. But not me, that's the key.
Erik's not entirely satisfied with the food my barbarian has scrounged up for dinner.
Erik: What-no salad?
Jim: I throw Erik a pinecone.
Strongbad continues to experiment with the mysterious black coin. He holds it before him clutched in his fist and addresses various undead throughout the ruins.
Justin: Obey me you stupid piece of crap and I've got this crappy coin. Obey me. O-bey.
Jim: After all, we're do-gooders right?
Justin: Yes, I do good...things.
Max is irate about the blacksmith's unjustly priced weaponry.
Max: Where's a poor man to buy a masterwork katana?
Strongbad describes Clarence, the three foot tall skeleton we've been clashing with.
Justin: I don't think he was much of a lich to be honest. He was an ich.
Zilly the barbarian tries to pump up the understated sorceror.
Jim: So are you ready?
Andy: Oh, ah...why...yes.
Jim: That's the attitude I like!
Andy's sorceror is asked to dispel the ever-present fog in the forests near the abandoned town.
Andy: Go away fog. Hmmm...it didn't work.
At the entrance to a darkened tunnel, Erik's cleric laments...
Erik: Argh. If only I had a skeleton. I could send it down with the lamp.
Jim: I would lend you mine but I'm kind of attatched to it.
The group ruminates on the benefits of getting a branding iron with a 'Masters of the Universe' tagline.
Max: Oh how's it going Luka? *PSSSSS* Let's see you get that off.
Meeting one of Biddlepest's blacksmiths for the first time.
Luka: Luka's my name.
Jim: Do you live on the second floor?
The PC's start to leave the lord's manor. It should be noted that this NPC is Lord Pacman and has been described as an incredibly overweight man with pure yellow skin, no neck, and entirely black eyes.
Erik: Do we see him eating a bowl of cherries and strawberries as we're leaving?
Kevin: Ahhh no.
Erik: Is his house designed like a maze?
Kevin: Shut up.
Erik: What?!
Erik: I can't wait until I can kill Lord Pacman with ghosts.
In the end, the reaper using cleric died from a freakish infection, Strongbad ran for the hills, Swimguy was last seen firing arrows at the drow, and Orsen was off meditating...somewhere. Luckily for me, Zilly Bane was wandering about Biddlepest at the time and managed to avoid this whole debacle. The ostrich riding barbarian lived to fight again. He met up with Strongbad shortly before meteors began to rain down upon the army town. Strongbad and Zilly were then sucked in the sky by a dark, swirling vortex and were seemingly teleported miles away to the nearby country of Post. They awoke at an army base and were once again thrust into yet another series of madcap encounters and off-kilter characters:
Jim: Is he slipping in my blood? That axe handle could be hard to hold with all the spewage coming from my direction.
Justin: Are any of you evil?
Max: I'm neutral on the subject.
Justin: Could you shut up a little quiter, please?
Max: I wonder where this encounter could be heading? (After a guy's been decapitated.)
Justin: You stole my kill you camper.
Jim: Buy yourself a clue, Zilly.
NPC: You are Zilly.
Jim: Shutup.
Jim: Don't you think our plan had merit?
Max: Yeah but I forgot who was GMing. It would have worked in your campaign. Kevin just skips all the nonsense and cheats us directly. You like to draw things out until the end and screw us over.
Jim: Yeah! Take that Kevin. A non-violent resolution in your gory game!
Erik: It's only two rounds.
Max: Yeah...'cause once you guys get inside this combat is OVER!
One of the NPC's has just had a stone slung into his face by the party's half-elf.
Nameless Raider: Ahh my cheek!
Elaine: Pussy.
You never know who you'll meet in the forests of the lost continent while camping...
Hare: I'm Smoky the Hare, only you can prevent forest fires.
NPC: I don't know anything. I'm just the leader.
Jim: Is that true female elf? Do you eat your young?
Justin: Elves don't shed their skins. They just get -40% to their experience and only start with 4 potions.
The group is planning to sneak their way into the raiders' base by using an elaborate ruse. This requires the party to divide up into two groups: prisoners and captors. We ponder ways to truly sell this cover story...
Jim: I could punch any of you if you want it to look like we've been pounding on you.
Erik: I could give you an indian burn.
Justin: I could give you a rash.
Max: I don't wanna know how.
Kevin makes Erik's night.
Kevin: Okay, let's get a diagram going here.
Erik: Yes, Kevin! Awesome!