As if you haven't heard enough already...more poetry by me
Finally
Hand me the gun, and I'll be the one to pull the trigger,
I can't get it ready myself, to much time to figure,
ways things could be different, how could I change?
But there's so little of me left to rearrange,
my temple longs to feel the metal, cold and smooth,
but, God, I can't do it, that's the truth,
the extra seconds to prepare the bullets, gun, and all,
would give me too much time, I'm so very scared to fall,
I could take the pills...the ones the doctor gave me,
the ones I take at night, because I cannot sleep,
they taste okay with a glass of juice, I could manage the bottle,
but the time for the medicines to work, and to swallow would be trouble,
and oh, the sweetness of a sharp metal blade crossy my flesh,
kissing just the top of the skin, bringing forth the pain from within, still just a test,
Still somehow I can't make it deeper,
I'm too scared and my fear climbs steeper,
scared to live and scared of dying,
I've tried to find strength, still I am trying,
yet I am dying, but much too slowly,
till then I'll beat myself up, feel more and more lonely,
recall how I'll never be good enough,
how it hurts to be battered, I'm just not tough,
hit me again honey, this time I will try not to cry,
tell me how worthless I am, let me wonder why,
yell at me again mommy and daddy, yell and make me see,
how I'll never be what you wanted for me,
and I'll keep in those relationships, the ones which hurt so good,
I'll be getting what I deserve, just like I should,
someone though, have mercy please, help me find the way out,
don't worry or feel guilty, this is what I want without a doubt,
clean the gun well, make the cold metal gleam and shine,
only to be splattered with this worthless bloode of mine,
load it with a bullet, for one is all I'll need,
with preparations already done, I can do the deed,
leave it now, where I can find it, without much work,
help me at last end this world of so much hurt,
but please don't try to offer me your help, now,
talking just doesn't work, and I don't want to burden you anyhow,
keep your medicines, your booze, your drugs, your excuses, your jokes,
don't tell me things will get better, keep for yourself your hope,
you can't say a single thing, someone hasn't already said,
I've searched so long and I've come to find, I'd be better off dead,
just pass me the gun, I'll rest it against my temple,
close my eyes, smile, take a deep breath...all so simple.
Then I can finally pull the trigger....