"Closure"

By: Trisha

Comments are always welcome. [email protected]

Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Donald Bellasario, Paramount Studios,

and CBS. No copyright infringement is intended. This is a recreational

endeavor, and no profit is being made. Please do not distribute without the

consent of the author.

Spoilers: "The Stalker", "To Russia With Love", "Gypsy Eyes"

Summary: Harm and Mac return from Russia.

***************

Closure

***************

0750 Hours

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

Mac came out of the coffee room talking quietly with Bud and Harriet. They

had hundreds of questions about her and Harm's trip to Russia. Thankfully the

Admiral had given them the news by phone about Harm's father, and she didn't

have to tell them. Like her and the Admiral, their concern was for Harm.

She was about to suggest maybe they could get together after work so she could

give them the whole story, when she glanced over and saw Harm in his office.

Mac stopped speaking in mid-sentence, and immediately Bud and Harriet followed

her eyes.

"What's the Commander doing here, Major? I thought you said he wouldn't be in

the rest of the week?"

"... I didn't think he would be, Bud..."

Leaving her coffee mug on Roberts' desk, Mac went to her partner's office. She

walked in without knocking, and closed the door behind her.

Harmon Rabb looked up in surprise as his door opened and Sarah MacKenzie

walked in. Her expression held the same worry and concern that he had seen

for the last several days. He wanted it all to stop. He just wanted to get

back to work.

Before he could speak, Mac said, "Harm, what are you doing here?"

"I work here, Mac." He tried to lighten her mood with something of a forced

smile, but it didn't work.

For MacKenzie, Harm's attempt at humor fell flat. He looked terrible, and it

was clear he still wasn't sleeping. Mac knew she would have to be careful and

not push too hard. Harm was trying to go back to his normal routine without

considering the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion he was suffering.

She had given him space, not wanting to intrude. Looking at him now, Mac knew

she should have done more. She didn't want to make him angry, but she wanted

him to know she was concerned and cared and would be there if he needed

someone to hold on to.

"I thought you were going to take a few days..." Mac said hesitantly.

"For what, Mac?" He hadn't meant to snap at her, but that's how it came out.

‘Why does she have to use that tone with me? She sounds like someone

addressing a jumper on the ledge of a twenty-story building. I'm fine. I

went searching for the truth about my father. I know it now. I'm fine...'

Surprised at his reaction, and his dismissing attitude after everything they

had been through, Mac just stood there in silence. Harm quickly got up from

his desk and began searching in the file drawers behind his desk.

Harm took a deep breath, yanked open the file drawer, and started pulling out

forms. He thought Mac would leave, but instead she remained standing behind

him in silence. ‘Please Mac, just leave me alone. I know we've been through

a lot together. I appreciate everything you've risked to help me find out

about my dad. I know he's gone now. I have to get on with my life.' he told

himself.

Sarah MacKenzie had come to know her partner very well. Harm had accepted

what they had found, but he still hadn't allowed himself to deal with it.

After twenty-eight years of wondering, searching and fighting for the truth,

he finally knew his father was gone. Long held hopes and dreams had ended

abruptly. In all those years, believing his father may still be alive, Mac

didn't think Harm had ever prepared himself to grieve for his father. He

needed to give himself time to come to terms with his loss.

Mac walked over to him and put her hand on his arm. Quietly she said, "Harm,

you finally know your father is dead. You need to give yourself time to

grieve."

Harm Rabb stopped searching the files and lifted his eyes to the wall directly

in front of him. His chest ached as he fought the tide of emotions rising up

in him. He didn't need time to grieve. It should have been over long ago.

He wanted it all to stop, so he could just concentrate on his job. More than

anything, he didn't need Mac there treating him like a child, as she was now.

There was anger in Harm's tone as she said, "It's a little late for that now,

Mac. My obsession, as you so often put it.... I've had twenty-eight years to

grieve." his voice lost its strength and some of the underlying anger as he

added, "I think that's enough time, don't you?"

MacKenzie heard what he said, but she could also feel the tremor in him as he

spoke. The wall he had built to keep his emotions dammed up, was beginning to

crumble. Even if she had to incur his anger, Mac wasn't going to let Harm

push her away.

Summoning the strength that came from their friendship, Mac put her hand over

his and quietly said, "No, Harm. It's not enough time. Come on. I'm going

to take you home."

Rabb remained unmoving and silent for another long moment. In his heart Harm

knew Sarah MacKenzie wasn't going to leave his office and just let him do his

work. Part of him wanted to tell her to leave him alone, while the other part

prayed she would stay close because he needed her. Even if Mac did leave him

alone, there would be others and he didn't want to talk to anyone right now.

MacKenzie knew what was going on inside Harm. Another moment passed before

she saw him close his eyes briefly, take a deep breath and nod in resignation.

-----

Bud and Harriet Roberts had watched Rabb and MacKenzie from their desks.

Seeing how worried Bud was, Harriet squeezed his hand and quietly said, "The

Commander will be okay, Bud. The Major will take care of him."

Bud nodded, but what his wife said didn't lessen his concern for his friend

and mentor.

While Harm cleared his desk, MacKenzie stepped quickly into her office, to

pick up her keys and cover. Bud Roberts was waiting for her.

"Bud, I'm taking the Commander home. When the Admiral gets in, let him know

where I am, and tell him I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Yes, Ma'am." Handing her an envelope Roberts quietly asked, "Major, would you

give this to the Commander later, please?"

Thinking it was a wedding thank-you, like the one she received from Harriet,

Mac was going to suggest Bud give it to Harm himself in a day or so. But

something in Bud's expression made Mac take the envelope, and slide it into

her jacket pocket.

**********

They rode in silence as Mac made her way through the early morning rush hour

into D.C.

Sarah MacKenzie remembered making this drive with Harm the morning after

Dalton had been murdered. Harm had insisted on taking her home. She was

angry and hurt and didn't want to deal with the pain. She had gone to the

office thinking it would all disappear if she just went back to her work. Mac

remembered being as silent as Harm was now. He had cared enough to see her

through the whole, ugly experience, and for that, she would always be grateful

to him. He deserved no less than that caring now.

**********

Mac followed Harm into his apartment. When he paused inside the door, she

took his cover from him, saying "Why don't you go sit down and relax. It's

my turn to make the tea."

Harm nodded and walked toward the livingroom. He took off his suit jacket,

laid it over the desk chair, pulled his tie loose, and opened his collar

before slumping down on the couch.

Mac's remark about her turn to make the tea hadn't been lost on him. That's

what he had intended to do for her when he had taken her home from the office

the morning after Dalton's death.

His animosity toward his partner faded as he sat there. Mac was just being a

good friend. She didn't deserve his anger.

When she brought him a steaming mug of tea several minutes later, he thanked

her, then quietly said, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, Mac."

Sarah MacKenzie smiled slightly as she sat in the chair next to the couch with

her own cup of tea. "It's okay. I've been there, so I knew you didn't mean

it."

They sat together talking quietly for almost an hour. Mac hoped that

eventually Harm would say something about his father. The search for answers

about what had happened to his father had meant everything to Harm, but now he

wouldn't talk about him, and it bothered her.

Mac knew they were both guilty of holding their feelings inside, but Harm

always had a way of getting her to talk to him. He would joke with her, or

make her angry until she lashed out at him. But either way, he always got her

to open up and talk. He could always make her feel better. Mac wanted Harm

to be able to talk to her, so she could help him the way he always seemed to

help her.

As if he had been reading her mind and anticipated her next question, Harm sat

forward and picked up his mug from the coffee table saying, "I should get this

place cleaned up. It's a mess..."

Seeing through his evasive maneuver, Mac shook her head slightly and took the

mug from Harm as she stood. "No, I think you should go up and lay down for a

while, Harm, before the jet lag catches up with you and knocks you flat."

Harm looked at his partner and knew Mac wasn't going to give up and she wasn't

going to allow him to shut her out. He just didn't know how to tell her he

hadn't resolved his feelings in his own heart yet. There was no way he could

talk to her about them right now.

When Harm didn't completely reject the idea of him getting some rest, Mac took

consolation in the fact that he was at least willing to listen to her advice.

She turned to take their mugs to the kitchen, then remembered the envelope Bud

had given her. Taking it out of her pocket, she gave it to Harm.

"Bud asked me to give you this. It may be their wedding thank-you. Harriet

mailed mine to my house, but you know Bud..." The thought of their newly

married legal aide made them both smile a little as Harm took the envelope

from her.

In the kitchen, Mac rinsed out their cups. She was satisfied Harm seemed to

be unwinding, and she was going to see if she could coax him into laying down

before she left to return to the office.

Finishing in the kitchen, Mac started back to the livingroom but stopped as

she saw Harm sitting with Bud's note in his hands, tears streaming silently

down his face.

Sarah approached Harm slowly, telling herself, ‘Finally. He needs this. He

needs to be able to let go and let his pain out before he can go on with his

life.'

Mac sat down next to him and put her arm around his shoulders. Harm tried to

pull himself together enough to explain the note. When his words wouldn't

come he simply handed it to her.

Mac read aloud the note from Bud, their funny, and superstitious and eager and

today,... very eloquent friend. Tears filled her eyes as she read Bud's

expression of sorrow for Harm's loss. Then in the last paragraph he wrote,

"Harm, I always expected to meet your father someday. The way you never gave

up hope, gave me that hope. I always wanted to tell your father that the two

of you shared more than just physical resemblance. I wanted to be able to

tell him that the two of you have always shared the same courage, loyalty,

bravery and caring. I know this, because I know you. And I'm sure, somehow,

he's always known this too."

Wiping away her own tears, Mac gently pulled Harm into her arms and held him

tightly while he shook with sobs.

Now he could let go.

The end, and the beginning...